Potter Ping Pong
by PigeonChicks
Summary: An experimental writing game where two collaborating authors interfere with each other while writing what is sure to be a hilarious story. Harry and Ginny finally start going out, but Hedwig suddenly starts acting strangely. What's going on?
1. Intro

**Introduction**

Hello! Blond One and Tomato Face (aka Pigeon Chicks) here! We've decided to create an interesting game of written ping pong for your enjoyment. When we write our stories, we always collaborate and write them together.

So now we're going to try something completely different.

Welcome to our first installment of Potter Ping Pong! We will have a pre-determined general storyline that we have agreed upon and then we will draw cards. Why cards you ask? Let us explain.

Of the following fourteen cards: Death Card (x2), Amnesia, Change Bodies (x2), Random Rival Appears, Time Travel, Raise From the Dead (Cannot be used to revive someone killed by "Death Card"), Love Triangle (form a love triangle with the three most prominent characters from the last chapter), Long-lost close relative/lover discovered, Change Sexual Orientation, Incredibly Stupid Back-story (everyone believes it and it's true!), Addiction (character gets addicted to embarrassing past-time of your choice), Mustache (grows a healthy moustache of your choice), we will randomly select three each. The purpose of the game is to alternate writing chapters between ourselves while using our cards to interfere with whatever plot developments that the other has set up. There is no limit on the number of cards that we can use in a turn, but once all three cards are used up we are no longer allowed to interfere with the plot choices that the other is making. Should this be successful and enjoyable, we'll try it again in the future.

We will be updating the first chapter next week and Blond One will start the game. We hope you look forward to watching our ping pong match.

The winner?

There will be no winner.


	2. Round 1: The Confession

Round 1: The Confession

Morning light flitted gently through the tall windows of the great hall to illuminate the crowd of Hogwarts students who were slowly gathering for the first meal of the day. The young witches and wizards, most of whom were still yawning and rubbing the sleep from their eyes, shuffled into the vast chamber and seated themselves at their house tables as piping hot food began to materialize on silver platters. Life at Hogwarts really was quite convenient, and no one was appreciating the magic of it all at that particular moment more so than Harry.

Currently sitting at the Gryffindor table in the company of Ginny Weasley, Harry was finding himself in the mood to ruminate on the many blessings fate had chosen to bestow upon him. Here he was sitting with his lovely new girlfriend and there weren't any monsters attacking the castle, evil wizards trying to kill him, or any other random dangers darkening his doorstep. This was pretty much the best day of his life! As Harry gazed across the table at the red haired beauty quietly pecking away at her food he found himself nearly giddy with happiness, and he had to simply grin at the wonders of life.

"So Ginny I was thinking, now that we're officially going out we should go on our first date." Harry suggested and his grin widened when Ginny's eyes lit up in response.

"Oh Harry that sounds wonderful! I've never been on a date before!"

"Really? Dean never took you out on any dates while you were going out?" Harry asked quizzically. He knew Dean was a dick but he hadn't thought it was this bad. To Harry's dismay Ginny's face turned a deep crimson at his comment and she suddenly became intent on examining her plate.

"Um… well… no… not really…" Ginny stuttered out she while fidgeted uncomfortably with her utensils. Harry mentally cursed his own stupidity. He just had to go and make things awkward by bringing up her old boyfriend!

"Well anyway we should do something fun this weekend! Why don't we go into Hogsmeade?" Harry said enthusiastically, hoping to move past the strained moment he had just created and to get their conversation back on track. Ginny met his gaze again and smiled shyly.

"That would be lovely Harry. I-."

_SCREEEEEEE! _

An awful screech rang through the great hall and Harry looked up to behold the familiar snowy white form of his owl as she descended from the rafters towards them.

"Ah here comes Hedwig with my morning pos-" Harry was cut off as Hedwig uttered another blood curdling screech and swooped directly at Ginny with talons outstretched.

"Ahhh." Ginny screamed as she dove from her chair, narrowly avoiding Hedwig's dive-bomb attack.

"Hedwig!" Harry yelled as he leapt to his feet. "What on earth!"

_SCREEEEE!_

Hedwig beat her wings furiously to remain aloft as she viciously clawed at Ginny's head.

"Stop it!" Harry grabbed an apple from the fruit bowl in front of him and chucked it at the rampaging bird. The apple struck Hedwig in the side causing the owl to squawk in surprise and disengage from its attack on his girlfriend. Other students in the great hall were yelling and, while many dove under the table to hide and protect themselves in case the owl wasn't picky about its targets, a few came rushing forward to help. As if sensing that the opportunity had been lost Hedwig quickly flapped back up into the rafters and out of reach. For a single surreal moment Harry's eyes met with his owl's and he could almost swear that they were trying to tell him something, but then Hedwig sailed through an open window and was gone.

"Ginny!" Harry cried as he leapt over the table, knocking platters of food to the ground as he rushed to his girlfriend's side. "Ginny are you okay?" He wrapped an arm around her quaking shoulders and pulled her against his chest. He looked down and noticed deep gashes along her forearms, which she had raised over her head to protect herself. His heart clenched in pain to see her hurt. "I'm so sorry Ginny! I don't know what came over her; Hedwig has never attached anyone before!" Ginny looked up at him with wide, shock filled eyes but she gave him a small smile despite her obvious pain.

"It's alright, Harry. I'm okay. You don't have to apologize."

"Let's get you to the infirmary and have these cuts treated." Harry said in concern. He helped her to her feet and led her away from the great hall, and the stares of the confused and curious student body.

* * *

><p>"You should have that dumb bird put down!" Ron seethed. Harry winced and shook his head.<p>

"She must be sick or something! That's the only possible explanation!" Harry, Ron and Hermione were sitting in a corner of the grounds, having finished their classes for the day. The gossip about the rabid owl that had attacked a girl during breakfast had spread about the school like wild fire and Harry wasn't sure if Ron was more furious about the fact that it was his sister who had been injured or that it was his best friends owl that was responsible.

"She's dangerous is what she is." Ron snapped. Harry sighed and shook his head. He knew that there must be some reason behind what had happened. Hedwig had always been loyal and well behaved before. He was sure that she wouldn't have attacked Ginny if she had been herself. Something was wrong!

"None of the other owls have been acting strangely." Hermoine piped up. "If it is a disease then it doesn't appear that she contracted it from another bird in the rookery." Harry sighed again. After the incident Hedwig had disappeared and he had no way of discovering what had caused her bizarre behavior, and sitting around here tossing around ideas with his friends wasn't accomplishing anything.

"Well I'm going to go and find Ginny. She should be back at the common room by now and I want to make sure that she's okay." Harry made to rise, but Hermoine suddenly put a restraining hand on his shoulder.

"Harry, wait a moment. I actually have been meaning to talk to you about Ginny."

"What do you mean?" Harry stared at her in confusion. He'd already gotten the "if you hurt her I'll deck you" speech from Ron when he'd announced to his friends that he and Ginny were going out. He hadn't expected anything like that from Hermoine. Hermoine chewed her lower lip nervously for a moment before continuing.

"Listen Harry, has Ginny seemed… different to you lately?"

"Not really. I mean other than that she's been really happy since we started dating." Harry smiled.

"Right… Listen Harry, I've noticed that Ginny hasn't been hanging out with any of her friends these last few days."

"Well we just started dating. We've been spending a lot of time together." Harry dismissed her concern.

"That's not all. The other day I saw some of her friends trying to talk to her and Ginny acted like she didn't know who they were."

"Maybe they just aren't actually her friends. I mean, you could be mistaken."

"No I used to see her with them all the time! And it isn't just them. When I try talking to her she acts really weird and always finds an excuse to leave. I think there may be something wrong."

"You're overreacting Hermoine." Harry laughed. "She's probably just a little shy around you because she and I are dating now, she'll get over it, don't worry."

"Ginny isn't really that shy of a girl, and she and I have gotten pretty close over the years. I don't see any reason why she should be acting this way just because the two of you started dating." Hermoine was starting to look annoyed.

"Well I haven't noticed any difference." Harry shot back. "What about you, Ron?"

"Huh? No, not really." Ron shrugged.

"See! You worry too much, Hermoine. Ginny is fine."

"Aside from the fact that your owl carved a few pieces out of her arms." Ron apparently couldn't resist adding.

"Yeah apart from that. Now, if you'll excuse me my, lady awaits." Harry turned and walked away, shaking his head at the ridiculousness of it all. Hermoine could be really paranoid sometimes.

* * *

><p>Harry walked into the Hogwarts common room to find Ginny sitting alone by the window watching the sun set. Her face was cast in a rosy glow and her hair shone with a fiery radiance as it caught the last fading rays of the sun. Harry's heart swelled at the sight and he couldn't believe he was so lucky to have her as his girlfriend<p>

"Hey." He said as he approached. Ginny turned and smiled at him. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine now. See." She held up her arms to show him that they were free of any cuts and scars. Madame Pomfrey had completely healed the damage.

"That's a relief! I hated seeing you hurt." Harry sat down beside her and took her hands in his own. They sat there in silence for a while simply watching the sun sink below the tree line. Eventually Harry found himself gazing not at the scenery outside the window but at the beautiful face of the girl sitting across from him. Realizing he was staring Harry cleared his throat.

"You know Ginny, I was surprised when you took me aside the other day, and I think I nearly fainted when you told me that you loved me. It was the last thing I expected you to say but I've never been so happy." Ginny looked like she was blinking back tears.

"I've always loved you Harry." Ginny murmured. "I could never tell you before. These last few days have been a dream come true." Harry reached out and gently clasped her face in his hands.

"I love you too." he said as he leaned in to press his lips against hers.

_SCREEEEEEE!_

The piercing cry split the air and Harry instinctively grabbed Ginny and pushed her to the ground just as a flash of white rocketed through the windowpane and over their heads. Harry tried to use his body to cover Ginny's as a cascade of shattered glass rained down over them. Hedwig screeched and flew wildly around the room, knocking over potted plants and anything else in the way of her erratic flight path.

"Hedwig!" Harry yelled. "Hedwig calm down!"

The snowy owl landed on the stone floor and strutted towards where Ginny and Harry lay. Her talons clicked menacingly against the floor and her head bobbed from side to side as if looking for an opening within which to strike. Harry knew that whatever had gotten a hold of Hedwig that there was no way he would be able to placate her with words.

In one fluid motion Harry pushed himself from the floor and whipped out his wand.

"_Immobulus_." He cried and a burst of light shot from his wand and struck Hedwig, who tottered to the ground immobilized. Harry stared sadly at the owl's prone form, completely at a loss as to what could be driving it to attack them.

"Oh Hedwig what happened to you?" He murmured softly as he briefly reached out and touched his owl's downy feathers.

He turned away and carefully helped a silent Ginny to her feet.

"Are you alright?" He asked as he brushed a few pieces of stray glass from her hair. His concern started to mount as Ginny refused to meet his gaze but instead stared fixedly at the floor. "What's wrong? Are you hurt."

"I… I'm sorry Harry." Ginny suddenly sobbed. "This… this is all my fault!"

"What are you talking about? This isn't your fault." Harry tried to pull Ginny into his embrace but she shook her head violently and drew away.

"It is my fault! I just wanted to tell you how I felt Harry! I thought if I could just do that I would be happy. But then you said you loved me back and I… I was so overjoyed. When you said you wanted to go out with me I just got caught up in it all! I wanted to forget that it was all a lie!" Ginny's body was wracked with sobs and Harry didn't know what to do to comfort her. He couldn't wrap his mind around what she was saying.

"I don't understand. What's a lie?"

"Me! I'm the lie!" For a moment Ginny looked like she was going to break down, but she took a few steadying breaths and finally lifted her tear stained face to look at him.

"Harry… I'm not really Ginny. I switched my mind with that of Ginny's so that I would be able to confess my love to you. I didn't mean to deceive you or to stay in this body so long! I just wanted to be able to say the words!" The girl before him looked at him imploringly with eyes that begged for him to understand. Eyes that weren't hers.

Harry took a step back and clutched at the back of a couch for support. He felt like his whole world was reeling as he tried to process what he'd just been told.

"But then… who are you?"

"It's me Harry." The girl sobbed. "I'm Hedwig."

* * *

><p>Author's Aside<p>

**Blond One: Well, what do you think Tomato Face?**

**Tomato Face: *trying to look unimpressed* It was okay...I guess.**

**Blond One: Just okay? Did you not understand the motivation? The pathos?**

**Tomato Face: Don't talk to me about pathos! My entire undergraduate degree was about pathos! (mono no aware)**

**Blond One: Don't distract me with your other language! My story is a beautiful tale of unrequited love!**

**Tomato Face: *evil grin* Not for long. *holds up a card* I choose to play 'switch bodies' card for this round. See if you can keep your romance afloat as I punch a gaping hole in your inflatable raft!**

What could Tomato Face possibly hope to accomplish by fighting fire with fire? Will Blond One stab her in the eyeball? Stay tuned for Tomato Face's evil interference next week!


	3. Round 2: Empty Shell Game

**Round 2: Empty Shell Game**

"It's me Harry. I'm Hedwig."

Harry staggered under the weight of these seemingly harmless and invisible words, hardly able to believe what he was hearing.

"What?" He felt numb and his ears were ringing, it was almost like the voice wasn't his.

The girl – Hedwig? – continued to cry. He fought his urge to comfort her and instead cast a look at what he had believed was Hedwig, lying on the ground immobilized. Eyes half-open in paralysis, the owl was staring straight ahead numbly, but Harry could sense something roiling powerfully within its small body. He put a hand to his forehead, as though trying to physically force an understanding into his brain.

"Wait here." He climbed to his feet and, against his better judgment, left the sobbing girl and immobilized owl as he sprinted up the staircase to his bedroom.

He returned shortly with Hedwig's wire cage, panting a bit. He put the large cage on the floor and, gently lifting Hedwig's limp body, placed the owl in the cage and shut the door tightly.

"I don't know what's happening here, but I need to figure it out. Please stay calm." He whispered to the owl before casting the counter-curse.

With a hiss and flash of talons, the owl slammed against the bars of its cage. When the door didn't yield, it flapped its wings madly, more out of frustration than the hope that it would be in any way effective. Like a petulant child, the owl began shrieking and continued to flap its wings, creating a noisy din.

"Calm down! Please calm down. I know you're angry." Harry tried to placate the bird by holding his arms out in a peaceful gesture.

Ginny – who was apparently Hedwig – stopped crying and approached the cage. As she neared, the owl abruptly stopped thrashing about and glared up at the girl, its mouth agape and its eyes wild. Each step closer brought a throaty growl from the bird until she had knelt before the cage. Harry could only watch in stunned confusion, his mind reeling madly as he tried to think of what best to do in this situation.

"Ginny…" The bird hissed in outrage. "Ginny, please." The girl pleaded.

The owl gave her a wary look that softened, and it perched at ease.

"I'm – I'm sorry for what I've done. It was a selfish wish, and I stole your most precious possession to get it." Tears started rolling down her cheeks again. "It's unforgivable, I know, but I want to apologize anyway. I hope you'll at least understand…" She took a deep breath. "It went on longer than I thought it would, but I was never going to take your place. I never could. He wasn't mine, Ginny. As much joy as I felt, and as much as I wanted to pretend it was real, I couldn't. The name he whispers so happily isn't mine and the girl he holds in his arms isn't me – it's you. I may be selfish, but I'm not stupid and I'm certainly not cruel. I took more than I intended to, but I'm satisfied now."

The owl gave Hedwig and Harry a meaningful look.

"She wants to be let out," Hedwig translated, knowing that look all too well.

Harry paused. "Are you sure?"

The owl screeched in outrage as Hedwig turned to him, her eyes flashing. As it beat its wings against the bars again, Hedwig started to shout,

"It's Ginny in there, Harry! She can understand every word that passes your lips. Don't treat her like a willful animal."

The owl gave Harry a fuming look and he felt his stomach twist. It was bad enough he hadn't even realized that Ginny had been acting different, but it was even worse that he was still treating her like Hedwig. His palms started to sweat nervously. He had been so sure that Ginny felt the same way…what if this had ruined everything? Would he ever be able to live down snogging with an owl if others found out? It was mind-boggling.

Hastily and clumsily, he fumbled to open the cage door as though it were searing iron. Maybe he could still pull this one out of the fire!

With a surprising amount of grace for having wings only a few days, Ginny flew from the cage and swooped gently to the ground. Her talons clicked on the ground as she carefully approached Harry, aware that her new body was an efficient hunting machine. Harry's thousands of "what if" anxieties were quieted as Ginny carefully brushed her wing against his arm in a show of affection. Hedwig looked to the ground in shame, blushing and miserable. Ginny's feelings toward Harry were mutual.

Hedwig leaned forward, letting her flaming red hair cover her face in an attempt to hide her tears.

Stupid! She thought bitterly. You knew that this was how it was going to turn out. You promised yourself you'd be happy with just one day, and now look at what you've done. She felt her arms start to shake slightly. You deserve this for getting your happiness by taking it from others!

Harry, who had been awkwardly stroking Ginny's feathers, looked up and noticed Hedwig, who had been silent for some time. He felt his heart lurch. It was hard enough to see someone crying so bitterly, especially when she looked like Ginny with Hedwig's loyalty and devotion. He looked down at Ginny, who gazed up at him quizzically with round, yellow eyes.

"Ginny, I'm sorry." He murmured. "I need to do this. I hope you'll understand."

Ginny gave him a confused look as he slid over to sit next to Hedwig. She looked up in surprise, a single tear rolling down her cheek. She tried to turn away, deeply ashamed, but Harry pulled her into a hug, holding her protectively against his chest. Hedwig, feeling unfamiliar emotions, began to sob loudly as he stroked her hair. Ginny felt a sharp pang of envy and irritation, but grudgingly held back from making a scene. Hedwig had caused her a lot of trouble, but Harry loved **her**, and only loved Hedwig in a platonic sense.

Hedwig felt her heart pounding against her ribs, feeling oddly riled and at the same time soothed by Harry's embrace. She took slow, even breaths until she was able to calm down and stop crying. She gently pulled away from him and looked up at him with large, clear eyes.

"Thank you." She whispered, her voice slightly hoarse from crying.

Harry smiled warmly at her and gently kissed her on the cheek.

"Hedwig, I'm sorry that I can't love you back. You've been with me since I first became aware of the wizarding world and have been kind and loyal to me. I treasure you, and I will always care for you." He smiled in a consolatory way.

Hedwig smiled back.

"Don't apologize, Harry. I've always known – I just started to hope. It was selfish, but you've been so kind to me. These past days were so happy. Thank you."

Ginny, who felt she had been waiting rather patiently while this intimate scene unfolded, clicked her talons impatiently to bring attention back to her predicament.

"Ah. Right." Harry snapped back into the moment. "Hedwig?"

She nodded and approached Ginny.

"I know it isn't worth much, Ginny, but thank you. Even though you never agreed to it, I want you to know how grateful I've been to have these past few days."

Ginny was irritated that she couldn't roll her eyes, so she just glared fiercely at Hedwig. The entire process had been somewhat violating, and having Hedwig put her in the position where an angry response would make her look like the bad guy was insufferable! Ginny hoped she'd never be privy to an owl's thoughts again.

"I'm sorry, Ginny, I'll have to take one of your feathers." Hedwig quickly and efficiently plucked out a downy white feather.

Ginny squawked, her pent up irritation emerging in her surprise. Hedwig removed her black cloak bearing Gryffindor's crest and put it on the floor. Her eyes scanned over the garment until she finally spotted what she had been searching for. She placed the feather next to a strand of fiery red hair, further pissing off Ginny. She knelt next to the garment and placed her hands over it.

"Are you ready?" Harry asked Ginny.

The bird nodded.

* * *

><p>"Severus." Snape flinched, concerned at the unfamiliar edge he detected in that familiar voice but maintaining his blasé composure. "Severus, I don't know what to do."<p>

The figure stood in shadows, with its back to him. It sighed, running a hand over a smooth, bald head.

"It's unlike you to seem so uncertain." Snape ventured at length, forcing his voice to sound steady and trying to calm his rapidly beating heart.

"Indeed." Came the brief reply.

There was more silence. "What is troubling you, my Lord?"

The figure turned around, its smooth, snakelike features as composed and difficult to interpret as Snape's own expression. Voldemort walked away from the window, his eyes cold and unreadable. As the Dark Lord approached him, Snape felt his pulse quickening. The situation seemed strange, but if he was misreading it and overreacted he would reveal himself. But if he was reading it correctly…

He just had to be faster.

"Severus," came that smooth, tenor voice, "you are one of my oldest and most loyal servants." Voldemort put a hand on Snape's shoulder, and then the other hand on Snape's other as he turned to stand behind the sallow, greasy-haired man. "And you know, as much as anyone, how much I value loyalty." He whispered, his mouth just inches from Snape's ear. Snape felt a chill and held back a shudder.

"This mark," He continued to whisper, reaching down Snape's left arm and pulling up his sleeve slowly, "is a symbol of the loyalty you all swear to me." He gently turned Snape's forearm over so the dark mark showed.

Snape felt his insides go cold as his mind suddenly sharpened into crystal clarity. His mind rapidly tried to run through possible scenarios to determine his next course of action. "A loyalty that I have proven time and time again, putting myself at risk as a double agent at Hogwarts." He said calmly, standing perfectly still.

The Dark Lord's grip on his arm tightened and he violently wrenched Snape around to face him, digging his nails into his minion's flesh.

"Double agent, indeed, but for WHO, SEVERUS?" He screamed, his voice reverberating through the room.

"My Lord, I-"

Voldemort struck him in the face, briefly stunning Snape and drawing blood, and threw him to the ground. "SILENCE!"

Snape's mind quickly arrived at his best course of action. He leapt to his feet, reaching for his wand.

"You DIRTY TRAITOR!" Voldemort roared, reaching for his wand just seconds slower than Snape had. "I WILL KILL YOU LIKE THE MUGGLE LOVING TRAITOR YOU ARE!" He roared, running forward with his face contorted in hatred.

Just as he had drawn his wand, Snape suddenly froze and gazed at Voldemort in horror. "What-"

"AVADA KADAVRA!" Voldemort screamed.

A jet of green light ripped through the body of Severus Snape and dissipated into nothingness. Snape's eyes, dark, took on a strange and empty luster. Voldemort, panting heavily with rage and exertion, watched with gleeful eyes as Snape's legs buckled underneath him, pitching his body forward. By the time his heavy body had fallen to the stone floor with a dull thud, Voldemort was already laughing with a twisted, grotesque face. After rejoicing in his deed, the reality of Snape's betrayal hit him.

His lips curled in disgust, and then shook. Voldemort began to tremble with anger. Severus had been in a valuable position, and at one point had truly been his most loyal and devoted servant. When had that traitorous dog changed sides? How many of his men could he really trust? Consumed by a blinding rage, he screamed, "SEVERUS!" and cast spell after spell at that hated, still, dark form. Spilling the dead man's blood on the floor, he laughed with manic glee as he gained his posthumous retribution and further made unrecognizable the face and form of his betrayer. It would be a lesson to any who would dare think of following Snape's example.

* * *

><p>Harry gazed at the still forms of Ginny and Hedwig in shock. As Hedwig had cast the spell in Ginny's body, Harry had been surprised that a human was capable of making those sounds. After her bizarre vocalizations had ceased, a strange breeze had swept through the room and then the two had collapsed. It had been over several minutes and Harry, in his impatience, was starting to become concerned.<p>

Suddenly, the owl stirred and its eyes opened blearily. It climbed woozily to its feet, seeming almost unsteady.

"Hedwig?" He asked hesitantly, reaching out his hand.

The owl turned to face him and recognition flickered across its features. Waddling up to him with awkward steps, the owl reached out and nibbled at his fingers in a familiar gesture of affection.

"Hedwig!" Harry smiled in relief. "You did it." He ruffled the feathers on her head, relieved.

Hedwig cooed in response, happy to be in her own body again. Somewhat back to her senses, she flapped her wings and lifted off from the ground, soaring skillfully through the room to alight on the back of a chair. Figuring that she had had enough time to return to herself, Harry knelt down beside Ginny and began to cautiously shake her shoulders.

"Ginny?" He whispered, "Can you hear me? Can you wake up?"

Ginny moaned and her eyebrows drew together as she slowly started to come to. With a startled gasp, she sat bolt upright and scrambled a few feet back. She was breathing rapidly and looking around wildly in alarm.

"Are you alright?" Harry asked, crawling to her and reaching out to put a hand on her shoulder.

"What are you doing?" Ginny demanded shrilly, slapping his hand away. At the sound of her own voice, Ginny's eyes widened in confusion.

"It's okay! You're back now and safe. Whatever Hedwig did worked and things are back the way they should be." Harry again reached out to put a comforting hand on her shoulder, but Ginny pulled back with a mortified expression.

"What's going on?" She looked at her hands, then at her sweater vest and skirt in disbelief.

"You're back in your own body, Ginny. Hedwig switched you back…are you still angry about that?" Harry frowned. "Are you alright?"

"Alright?" Ginny frowned, looking uncharacteristically pensive and brooding. "Uh! Yes. Yes, I'm fine." She gave a strained smile and a strange giggle. "I was just disoriented, P- Harry."

"Here, let me help you to your feet." Harry stood and offered Ginny his arm.

Ginny hesitated, looking at his outstretched arm with an anxious look on her face. As though forcing herself to do so, she took his hand and regained her footing. As soon as she was standing, she pulled her hand back as though his were something revolting.

"Ginny, you're acting very strangely. And I've certainly learned my lesson from the previous time." Harry was completely at a loss as to what was happening.

Ginny looked panicked and extremely uncertain. "Um…"

"Are you still mad about what happened?" Harry silently cursed himself for being so insensitive.

"Am I…Y-YES!" Ginny's face suddenly snapped from hesitant to angry. "How did you **think** I would feel after that?" She turned away from him and intended to take a few haughty and defiant steps toward the window.

However, like when Hedwig had first regained consciousness, Ginny was unsteady on her feet. Her head swimming and her legs wobbling, Ginny suddenly started to topple over. Harry wasn't a hero for nothing, and his quick reflexes saw him catching her in his arms before he had time to think and before she could land on the shards of broken glass. Ginny, much more recovered, shoved him off of her and sprang to her feet, livid.

"GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME, POTTER!" She roared, her face twisted into an expression that was foreign to her beautiful, freckled face.

Ginny's eyes widened in horror at what she had just done. Harry felt himself go numb with shock and the back of his mouth gained a strange taste. He had never seen that look on Ginny's face, but it wasn't altogether foreign to him. He looked carefully at Ginny's unusually pale face, his heart beating in his ears.

"…Snape…" Harry's face was full of pain and disbelief. "You're Snape."

Ginny looked at Harry with a hard, dark expression that seemed strange through her pale blue eyes. It could have been because the expression was articulated through a different face, but Harry swore he caught a glimpse of some other emotion. Regret? Remorse?

"Unusually swift of you, Mr. Potter." Ginny conceded. "I am indeed Severus Snape."

"Ugh." Harry shuddered. _And to think I was about to try and tap that…_ "Hedwig, how did this happen?"

He turned to his owl. Hedwig gave a sharp glance to the cloak Ginny's body had been wearing and her expression turned fierce with surprise. Lacking her keen eyesight in the girl's body, Hedwig had missed something very important. She fluttered down next to the cloak and clicked forward, stopping where the feather and flaming red hair lay. Bending down, she picked something up in her beak and turned to face Harry. It was a black, shoulder length hair.

"Oh no." Harry's mind reeled as he imagined the crisis that Ginny would be facing, waking up in a hideous, middle-aged, male body. "Professor, where were you last?" Harry opted to be polite to increase his chances of cooperation. "We need to find Ginny so that Hedwig can switch you back."

Again that strange expression settled on Ginny's face.

"Professor, where were you?" Her eyes hardened. "Professor?" Harry started to feel sick.

Ginny hesitated, "Due to the current – unusual – situation, I will include you in matters that would ordinarily not reach your ears. But I must also speak with the Headmaster at once. Come with me."

With unusual speed and purposefulness in her step, Ginny departed from the room. Harry, still somewhat in shock, jogged after her a few moments later.

* * *

><p>The two arrived at Dumbledore's office, slightly out of breath. Ginny knocked on the Headmaster's door with a very distinct rhythm.<p>

After a brief pause, there was the sound of something (likely a teacup) shattering and then frantic, scrambling footsteps to the door.

"Oh, Severus, thank Merlin. I prayed there was some sort of mistake." Dumbledore's muffled voice was harried as the door swung upon.

Dumbledore stopped, staring in confusion at the young Mr. Potter and Ginny, who had clearly just knocked. His face fell and he suddenly looked greyer than ever.

"Miss Weasley." His voice was barely above a whisper. "Would you mind telling me how you have come to knock in that way?"

"Sir, if we could please enter your office, I have something of utmost importance that I must speak to you about." Ginny's voice was hushed and conspiratory.

Dumbledore looked puzzled at first, but his expression settled into one of exhaustion.

"I'm so sorry, Miss Weasley. I'm dealing with a very…unfortunate and pressing matter at the moment. Unless this an emergency, I'm afraid I must ask you to-"

"Albus, let us in." The bite in her voice was so unlike Ginny.

Confused and looking as though he had seen a ghost, Dumbledore stepped aside as Snape forced his way into the office with Harry in tow. Dumbledore closed the door and returned to the chair behind his desk, sitting down heavily.

"Miss Weasley…"

"Sir, I regret to inform you that Ginny Weasley is dead." Snape explained.

Harry froze.

"Severus?" Dumbledore looked at Ginny's body in disbelief.

"Yes." Snape confirmed it. "Potter's owl had somehow switched bodies with the girl and when it attempted to switch back, I was somehow added into the equation. The owl returned to its body, Ginny's mind went to my body, and my mind was displaced into this body."

Dumbledore looked grave.

"But then we just need to find Ginny, right Professor?" Harry looked at Ginny's body, feeling as though the entire thing was surreal.

Snape's expression revealed nothing.

"Harry," Dumbledore sighed heavily, pausing as Harry looked up at him with frightened, desperate eyes. "I was just informed this morning that Severus' mutilated body was found in an abandoned house."

Harry started to shake. "But what does that mean? Where's Ginny?" His mind felt like it was spinning.

"Ginny was in Severus' body when it was killed," Dumbledore's voice was soft.

"So then what if we switch them back?" He asked desperately. Snape chose to ignore the implications.

"Ginny's gone, Harry." Dumbledore shook his head, "There's nothing to switch Severus with. If we did, we'd be sending him back to a corpse and leaving an empty body behind. If we switch them back, they'll both be dead."

Harry felt his ears begin to ring and his vision began to darken around the edges.

"Harry? Are you alright?"

Snape looked down at his decidedly female body in dismay. Overwhelmed by the shock of his loss, Harry collapsed to the floor. The last thing he heard before losing consciousness was,

"When you say 'mutilated', just how 'mutilated' do you mean?"

* * *

><p>Dumbledore had decided that, at the moment, it would be best to hide the truth of what had happened. He had requested that all of Ginny's immediate family meet with him at their earliest convenience to discuss a matter 'of utmost importance'. Snape was not looking forward to that meeting. He had been feigning illness to avoid interacting with Ginny's friends and family – people he either loathed or knew nothing about.<p>

Snape sat in his living quarters, reading one of the many books lining the walls for comfort. He had forgotten how good his eyesight had used to be – apparently Ginny had shared his 20/20 vision that had lapsed into far-sightedness as he aged.

Unable to hide Snape's death from the students and general public, a funeral service (with a closed coffin) was held that very evening. Although the attendees were shocked, Snape noted that few seemed terribly upset by his demise. His funeral was painfully short, and brusquely handled. He was, all in all, very disappointed with the whole thing. Even Dumbledore hadn't had much to say, although the Headmaster was under a lot of pressure. The most upset person present, much to his friends' confusion, was Harry Potter. The boy refused to so much as look at Snape, which he was grateful for, but brought up annoying questions of breakups. In private as per his request, Snape looked into the coffin after the service was over and everyone had quickly filed out, rejoicing that his funeral had gotten them the rest of the week off classes.

His eyes scanned over the words on the page of the book, but his mind didn't retain them. They trickled through as though they held no meaning. He couldn't stop thinking about it. He prayed that Ginny had been killed first, although based on what he knew about the Dark Lord, that was unlikely. Despite his general hatred for the Weasley clan, he had been somewhat fond of the girl. Although at times too sunny of disposition and having horrible taste in men, she was a bright, sharp student with a hidden edge to her personality that he enjoyed observing on the rare occasions she chose to show it. There were others more deserving to die – like Potter's stupid bird. Or Potter. Although it was no fault of his own, he wrestled with feelings of guilt that the funeral had not been for her. That, because she was in his body, those attending her funeral were disrespectful and mourning the wrong person. He also wasn't sure what he was to do now that he was trapped in the girl's body. What future could he possibly have? Should he start over? Could he live as a woman?

His conflicted thoughts were interrupted by a bold knock at his door. Snape hoped if he ignored it, it would go away. Being prickly and an adult didn't mean that he could deal with this any better than anyone else. But the knocks came again. Sighing, he closed the book and opened the door.

He was surprised to see Harry Potter standing there. Harry lowered his head, his expression dark, and spoke in a serious voice.

"Professor, I need to speak with you right now."

* * *

><p><strong>Authors Asides<strong>

**Tomato Face: Wow... that turned out kinda dark. Er... I mean, How do ya like them apples! I think I effectively killed your romance plot!**

**Blonde One:... A minor set back.**

**Tomato Face: Minor? Are you kidding me? Hedwig just killed Ginny! There's no way that Harry could love her now!**

**Blone One: True love conquers all!**

**Tomato Face: Puhlease! I'd like to see you try and repair your silly inter-species romance after my brilliantly disruptive body switching!**

**Blonde One: All right I will. For my round I play: Stupid Backstory (everyone believes it and it's true).**

**Tomato Face: Uh... I really don't see where you're going with this.**

**Blonde One: You'll have to wait for my update to find out!**

Has Blonde One gone off the deep end? What does she intend to accomplish? And what exactly will happen with Professor Snape now that he's become a woman? Tune in next time to find out!


	4. Round 3: Uninvited Guests

Round 3: Uninvited Guests

"I can't see what we could possibly have to talk about Mr. Potter." The sight of Snape's signature sneer on Ginny's face was very disconcerting. Once again Harry was hit with the wave of disgust and grief that came over him every time he happened to see the Potions Professor since this travesty occurred. Briefly Harry wondered if he would be able to go through with this conversation after all, but then quickly pushed that thought aside. He had to do this! Harry squared his shoulders and concentrated his gaze on a spot just above Snape's shoulder so he wouldn't have to stare into Ginny's face while talking to him.

"You're meeting with the Weasleys soon, right? I need to talk to you about that." Out of the corner of his eye Harry saw Snape frown.

"If you plan on asking me to break the news to them gently you can save your breath. The Headmaster will be doing most of the talking, and anyway, I don't think there's really a good way to tell someone that their daughter's dead due to some freak body switching accident caused by a love-sick owl." Snape looked like he was going to go on, and Harry decided that he had better cut to the chase before the professor got to caught up in one of his rants.

"That's just it Professor. I don't want you to tell them any of that." Silence met this declaration and Harry just had to sneak a glance at Snape's face. The Professor stared at him, Ginny's perfectly pruned eyebrows drawn together in a confused frown that was rapidly turning into anger.

"What are you babbling about Potter?" Snape all but spat at him.

"Don't tell the Weasleys that Ginny's dead! Or that you're in her body either!" Harry's words came out in a rush.

"What? Are you mad, Potter? Why in the name of Merlin would you ask me to do that?" Snape demanded, gesturing violently in Harry's direction. Harry had to stop himself from flinching at the look of contempt that Snape threw him. It felt like Ginny was the one judging him and demanding a reason for his betrayal. And Harry knew with sickening guilt that this **was** a betrayal, both of Ginny and the entire Weasley family. He was trying to deny the truth all in order to protect the one who was responsible for Ginny's death. In order to protect Hedwig.

The last few days had been like a living hell for Harry. He had truly loved Ginny with all his heart and now she was gone forever. He'd been torn up with sorrow at the loss and filled with periods of extreme fury over the senselessness of it all. Sometimes he'd been so angry he had wanted to punch someone, and in one particularly dark moment of grief he had let out his destructive impulses in the currently closed-off potion's lab. He'd thrown the desks against the wall and smashed all the vials and flasks into a powder until he'd exhausted himself and had finally broken down on the floor into a fit of sobbing. Afterward, he'd picked himself up off the floor and had gone to the great hall for supper where he'd tried to talk to Ron and Hermoine like everything was normal.

That was the worst part of the ordeal - the fact that no one else knew of or could share in his grief. He'd simply told his friends that he and Ginny were "no longer together" and let them think that his depressed mood was due to a bad breakup. Putting up with their helpful advice and attempts to cheer him up whilst pretending he wasn't completely broken up inside had been agony for Harry.

He'd found himself desperate to talk to someone, anyone, who knew the truth and, as he couldn't stand to look at Snape and Dumbledore seemed to be constantly busy, he had turned to Hedwig. It had taken some effort to overcome his initial bitterness toward his owl; after all it had been her stupid spell that had put Ginny in the path of the Dark Lord's killing curse. But in the end his need to talk had pushed him into going up to the rookery, not really knowing if he was going to scream or cry when he got there, but needing to let it out to someone.

Hedwig had been a mess when he'd found her. Her eyes were dull, her feathers unkempt and sticking out at odd angles and she had obviously not been eating. Seeing how guilty and upset she was had eased some of Harry's anger and he had simply set down and started telling her everything he'd been doing and feeling since the accident. He'd spent hours pouring his heart out to Hedwig until his throat was sore and the sun had gone down. Having finally run out of things to say, Harry had slumped against the wall feeling both drained and relieved to have finally given voice to the churning emotions that had been eating him up inside.

Hedwig, who had stayed completely still and silent the entire time he was speaking, fluttered down to stand beside him and tentatively brushed her wing against his hand in such a soft and simple gesture of comfort that the remainder of Harry's anger had drained away. After that day Harry found himself visiting Hedwig every morning and evening so that he could unload his feelings onto a sympathetic ear. Hedwig couldn't respond to him beyond bobbing her head or squawking, but her presence and friendship were enough that Harry was starting to believe that in time he might begin to feel normal again. However as the date of the scheduled meeting with the Weasleys approached, Harry had come to a realization. Once it was made known to Ginny's family what had happened to bring about Ginny's brutal death and the theft of her body, all of their rage would be directed at Hedwig. Harry was certain that Ron would try to kill Hedwig and Mrs. Weasley was already so terrifying when she got mad over her children's grades that he didn't even want to think of what she would do when she found out! And that was why Harry had knocked on Snape's door that evening, because regardless of what she had done he couldn't stand to loose Hedwig too.

Professor Snape had crossed his arms across his chest and was beginning to look impatient as he waited for Harry to produce an answer. Harry knew that he couldn't tell Snape his real reasons for demanding his silence. Snape would probably just laugh at him and tell him it wasn't his problem or that Hedwig deserved whatever happened.

"The Weasleys… It would break them to find out what happened." Harry lied, feeling awful but not knowing what else to do. "Ginny was like the glue that held them together. I don't think that they would be able to recover."

"That's nonsense! Arthur and Molly Weasley might not be the brightest people alive but they're stronger than that. They'll be upset to be sure but they'll get over it in time." Snape shook his head at him, clearly not moved by Harry's attempts to garner sympathy for the Weasleys, and Harry's mind raced as he tried to come up with another strategy. Reasoning or pleading would clearly get him nowhere.

"Look Snape, either you agree to keep this a secret or I'll have Hedwig switch bodies with you and you can spend the rest of your life as an owl!" Harry declared and glared at Snape with as much menace as he could muster. Unfortunately it didn't have the intended effect and Snape burst out into peals of disdainful laughter.

"Oh will you now Potter? And how exactly do you think you're going to hide that little trick from the Headmaster, hmm?"

"Well it shouldn't be too hard to fool him!" Harry shouted in frustration. "Hedwig would just need to act rude and condescending all the time, and no one would be able to tell the difference!" Snape shook his head at Harry's outburst and stared at him coldly.

"Really you're about 20 years to early to be trying to threaten me, Potter. You would need a piece of hair in order to pull off that spell a third time, and since the incident I have been careful not to leave any lying around. Just try and get one without my noticing! Now I don't know why you've taken it into your head to try and keep this girl's death a secret, and I don't much care. In a few days the Weasley family are going to be told the truth so that they can honor her death, regardless of how you may feel about the matter!" Harry's heart pounded as he desperately tried to come up with something he could say or do to change Snape's mind.

" But…"

"I'm through discussing this with you. Get out of my room!" Snape snapped and bodily shoved him out the door with surprising strength considering he now possessed Ginny's small form. The door slammed shut in Harry's face with a deafening finality.

* * *

><p>Snape shook his head and rubbed at his temple as he locked the door and returned to his chair. Really, he couldn't fathom what was going through the Potter boy's mind! What would hiding the truth from the Weasleys accomplish, besides denying them the chance to properly grieve the loss of their daughter and put her to rest? Perhaps the Weasley girl's death had affected him more then anyone realized, and Harry Potter was starting to become unhinged? The boy clearly must have been deluded if he had thought he would be able to threaten Snape! Who did he think he was fooling? As if Snape believed for a second that Potter had the balls to make good on his threat, even if he had been capable of carrying it out! Snape snorted back a laugh as he recalled the boy's attempt at a menacing glare. Pathetic!<p>

Settling back into his chair, Snape had just decide that he would take his mind off the grief crazed antics of Harry Potter by getting in some light reading when his peace was once again rudely interrupted.

With a hellish screech and a crash of glass the snowy white form of Harry Potter's owl Hedwig smashed through the window and into the room.

"What the hell!" Snape roared as he leapt to his feet and turned to face the intruder. For a brief moment Snape thought that he might have been wrong about the boy after all. Had Harry sent his owl in here to try and attempt another body switch? Snape braced himself for an attack, however the owl made no move towards him, it simply perched itself onto the back of the couch and squawked at him repeatedly while flailing its wings around wildly. Taken aback, Snape made some threatening gestures at it and tried to shoo it out of the room.

"Go on get out of here!" Snape yelled and waved his girlish arms in its direction. The owl stopped its annoying screeching, but instead of flying away Hedwig started ripping her talons through the couch's upholstery.

"Stop that you damn bird!" Snape growled and reached for his wand, intending to stun it, however he stopped suddenly once he realized what the owl was doing. Hedwig was scratching out a rudimentary word into the fabric. Even though it was messy and upside down Snape could easily make out the word HELP being carved into his furniture.

Snape hesitated for a moment. Normally he didn't like to concern himself with the problems of other people, let alone animals. It was too much bother. However the owl's apparent intelligence and possession of magical abilities was very mysterious and Snape found his curiosity piqued.

"Wait a moment." Snape muttered as he rushed over to his trunk and began pulling out his potions equipment. It didn't take him long to concoct the potion he needed, as a Communication with Animals Elixir was pretty simple to make. Most people simply never bothered with it as animals didn't really have much to say.

"Bottoms up." Snape muttered to himself as he added the final touch of dittany leaf to complete the potion and downed the vial's contents in one gulp. The potion's effects were fast acting, so Snape immediately turned toward his unwelcome guest.

"Well, out with it! What to you want with me?" He demanded. Hedwig opened her beak and, although Snape knew that she was still only making her usual hoots and screeches, he perceived the voice of a young woman speaking to him.

"Please, I need you to help me!" The girl's voice pleaded, truly sounding desperate.

"So I gathered." Snape said dryly as he eyed his ruined couch. "What exactly is it that you think I would be able to help **you** with?"

"I need the help of someone with a great knowledge of the dark arts." Hedwig shuffled from foot to foot as she spoke, obviously restless.

"Well I would certainly fit the bill, but you still haven't answered my question. Spit it out, I'm not a very patient man and I don't have all day to waste on someone's pet." Snape glared down his nose at her, though he was sure that the effect was some what marred by his current smaller stature.

"I need you to help me with breaking a curse, a powerful curse, that was put on me many years ago by a dark and evil wizard." Snape was annoyed to see that the owl was digging her talons further into his couch as she spoke.

"What kind of curse is this?" Snape demanded somewhat suspiciously. "And how are you associated with this "powerful, evil wizard" exactly?"

"It's a bit of a long story but I'll try to simplify it for you." Hedwig fluttered her wings a bit and settled into her perch.

"Thanks, I'm sure." Snape snorted, thankful that she'd at least stopped tearing up his couch for now.

"I'm not an ordinary owl." Hedwig began. "I've been trapped in this form by the curse, but I was once able to shift freely between this shape and a human form, as all of my people can. You see I am the only princess of the Strigiforma people, a group of magical owl shape shifters. My ancient tribe has stayed separate from regular magical society for generations, preferring to commune with the natural world rather than concern ourselves with the politics and petty squabbling of the magical community. However years ago a dark wizard approached my people and demanded that we join our powers with his and aid him with his conquest of the world. I sensed the darkness within his soul immediately and was determined that my people would have nothing to do with him. When I refused his demands, the wizard became enraged and placed this curse on me so that I couldn't lead my people against him. Unfortunately for him all of my people immediately went into hiding, so he never did fulfill his goal. I'm not sure what he did after that, as he sold me to that damn bird shop in an effort to humiliate me. I was there for a whole year before that Hagrid man bought me and brought me to Harry. Meeting him was the only good thing that came out of this ordeal."

"Well… that explains a few things I suppose." Snape conceded. "I'm going to want to hear more about this wizard, but before that I have a question I want answered: Why not go to the Headmaster for help if the curse is that powerful? And why haven't you tried reaching out to your precious Potter, for that matter?"

"No, they can't know about this!" Hedwig said quickly, and Snape started getting suspicious again.

"And why not? I'm sure Potter would be delighted to hear that you're some kind of owl princess or whatever. And knowing that you are basically human will probably make your mooning over him less creepy."

"No, Harry can't know until after everything is finished." Hedwig said darkly. "You see, I don't want to break the curse for myself. I need to do this for Ginny."

"Why is no one making any sense today? How, exactly is you being able to transform into a human again supposed to help a dead girl?" Snape threw his hands up in the air in frustration.

"It will help Ginny because once the curse is lifted I will have access to the full range of my powers again!" Hedwig snapped at him. Snape frowned and stared hard into the owls yellow eyes.

"What powers exactly?" He asked. Hedwig turned her head to the side as if she wasn't able to meet his gaze.

"Once I can take my human form again there is a certain ritual I will be able to perform that would bring Ginny's soul back from beyond. It's very dark magic so this spell was forbidden by my people to ever be used, but I'm willing to break that taboo in order to set things right."

"So you want to bring her back as a ghost? How is that setting things right?" Snape demanded. Hedwig turned to face him again with a determined look in her bright eyes.

"No. I intend to transfer her soul into my body." She stated firmly.

"…And what will happen to **your** soul?'

"I'll die." Hedwig said without a moment of hesitation. "This was my fault. Ginny was killed because of my selfishness and I need to set it right! I'm the one who should be dead, not her. " Snape stared at her silently and after a few moments Hedwig spoke up again, her voice pleading.

"Please help me. I… I can't stand to see Harry like this! I…"

"Enough, I don't need to hear about your disgusting romantic feelings for Harry Potter! I'll help you." Snape silenced her before she could go on any further.

"You will?" Hedwig sounded more than a little surprised that he had agreed so quickly.

"Yes. Ginny deserves to have her life back." Snape stated simply, not wanting to go into too much detail about his motivations. He intended to see that Ginny did get her life back. **All** of it, including her body. Ginny had died horribly in his place and Snape had felt like the thief who stole her life ever since he had awoken in her body. Snape had prepared himself for the possibility of his death when he had accepted the job as Dumbledore's spy. He didn't fear his own death anymore and, as his recent funeral had shown, no one would miss him once he was gone. If someone had to die it would be him, not some young girl.

"Thank you." Hedwig said with relief.

"We're going to have to keep this quiet. Dark magic such as this is taboo in our society as well." Snape declared, deciding it was best that Hedwig didn't know about his plans. "I suppose I'll have to lie to the Weasleys after all."

"Yes, Harry told me that they were coming for a meeting soon." Hedwig cocked her head to the side. "What do you plan to tell them?"

"I'll think of something." Snape muttered darkly.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Aside<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Blonde One: And there you go! Hedwig's character is salvaged for all!<strong>

**Tomato Face: Well, you certainly used the card to the full extent it was meant to be used…**

**Blonde One: *look of digust* Just what are you implying?**

**Tomato Face: That's not important. What _is_ important is ruining your story.**

**Blonde One: But can't appreciate and or savor the dramatic situation I've created?**

**Tomato Face: No…not really. I just like to destroy.**

**Blonde One: I knew this was a bad idea.**

**Tomato Face: No, it's totally awesome. And to bask in my awesomeness, I will now play the card: TIME TRAVEL!**

**Blonde One: Ffffffffffudge! Time travel ruins everything.**

**Tomato Face: It sure does. Hahahaha!**

**Tune in next week-ish as Tomato Face once again ruins everything wonderful that Blonde One worked so hard to create. What a bitch.**


	5. Round 4: More Twins

**Round Four: More Twins**

Snape was finding life in his new body embarrassing and horrifying. Every time he undressed, took a shower, or went to the washroom he felt like a lecherous pervert infringing on the poor dead girl's privacy. On the plus side, now that he was good looking he was taking care of his personal hygiene – he was quite certain that more questions would come about if the Weasleys were to meet a sallow, greasy-haired Ginny when they had their meeting with Dumbledore.

The day after his own funeral, Snape had gotten off to a bad start by attempting to locate Dumbledore so that he could request they keep Ginny's hideous transformation a secret. Where that lackadaisical Headmaster had puttered off to was beyond him. Possibly to locate a new Potions instructor? Ginny's friends had all crowded around him, offering their disguised comfort. Snape remembered his painful adolescent experiences now with sharp clarity, as the young faces and walks to class brought back those ghosts to haunt him.

"Are you alright, Gin-Gin?" Patricia Stoutcastle followed him incessantly. "Do you need to talk about it?"

He recognized that selfish gleam in her eye – the bitch was only seeking to fuel her gossip fires and raise her social position as a purveyor of difficult-to-obtain information. Fighting his instincts to brazenly tell her off, Snape opted to maintain the status quo so that Ginny would not be returning from the dead to a broken mess of her former life.

"I'm sorry…girlfriend." He had no idea what her name was. "I feel a little depressed after breaking up with P-Harry right now. Even though I totally emasculated him and he cried like a little girl." He had no such feelings about Harry's well being.

"I'm here for you if you need me, luv." Patricia gave Snape a superficial hug and two tacky air kisses before walking off to the opposite end of the school.

Trembling slightly, Snape kept his saliva in his mouth as opposed to spitting it on the floor in her wake.

"Ginny," She turned to see Ron, "Are you alright?" He put a hand on Ginny's head and ran it comfortingly down to rest on her shoulder.

"I…think so." Snape tried to look hesitant and sad, but not broken. It's what Ginny would have wanted. "Anyway, _I_ broke up with _Harry_. Are you sure you shouldn't be worrying about him right now?"

Ron's face fell a bit, remembering the awkward position he was in, but smiled at the strength of his darling little sister. His only sister. "You're definitely strong as Mum." He grinned, patting her proudly on the shoulder.

"Ah…yes. You know how we Weasley women are." Snape cackled. "Hideous and virtually unbearable."

"Watch you don't go too mental, though." Ron winked, assuming it was a joke, and raced off to go find his best mate.

Snape had no idea that Ron could be so barely tolerable. Perhaps inhabiting her body could help him see the school from a new perspective and earn him some positive karmic points to make up for his long run of petty evil. Maybe he could-

"Ahhhhh!" Snape's body involuntarily went rigid as he felt someone pinch his bottom.

"Hey there, sweet thing." Rupert Quigley sidled up to him and put an amorous hand around his shoulders. "I hear that you gave Potter the old heave-ho." He smiled lecherously at him.

Snape fought the urge to hex him such that he couldn't walk ever again. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" He screeched.

"Sorry, babe." Rupert backed up a little. "I just thought since you asked me out before you and Potter were an item and I wasn't single that you…liked me."

Snape was seeing red, but forced himself to think clearly. Ginny had liked this puss for brains? There was no accounting for taste.

"I-I'm sorry Rupert." Snape remembered him from class. He was failing. "You just startled me is all." He forced a giggle.

Rupert gave her a strange look. "You seem…different. Are you on the rebound? Because that's fine if you are."

"Maybe a little…but _I_ broke up with _him_." Snape felt the need to clarify.

"Ah, you know what?" He looked unconvincingly conspiratory and tried to look like he hadn't planned this all along, "Why don't we go on a date tonight? You know, to make him even more jealous? How about seven o-clock?"

Snape fought back the urge to vomit, disliking this fellow despite his twisted leaning to tormenting Harry.

"Y-yeah, sure." Snape's feelings of guilt were certainly bottomless.

"Ripping! I'll meet you in front of the portrait of the donkey consumed by mange."

"How romantic." Snape gave him a dirty look that he apparently failed to notice.

Before he could contemplate throwing a well-aimed shoe at the back of Rupert's head, Snape was interrupted yet again by a female companion.

"Ginny? Are you alright?" Her voice was quiet but unmistakably sweet and well-intentioned.

Snape turned around to behold a moderately attractive young girl. Truly she was the embodiment of the American concept 'the girl next door'. Snape had no idea who she was.

"Linda! You're going to be late." A gaggle of girls called out to her, sparing Snape the struggle of surreptitiously figuring out her name.

"Be there later, go on without me!" She called back, waving them away.

She turned toward Ginny's body, her long brown hair trailing and her doe eyes showing nothing but true concern.

"Ginny, are you alright? You haven't been yourself ever since Snape's funeral and your breakup with Harry."

"_Professor_ S-" Snape automatically started to correct the girl. "Y-yes. I suppose I've been a little…out of sorts, haven't I." Snape conceded with a sigh.

Linda began to chew her bottom lip and looked around nervously for a few moments. Then, quite suddenly, she grabbed Ginny's hand and started pulling Snape through the hallways.

"What are you doing?" Snape asked, "We'll be late for class!"

Linda rolled her eyes. "You really _are_ spending too much time with that Hermione girl, aren't you."

Snape decided that cutting class would be preferable since that crap they had the audacity to label as a curriculum was far below him, but inaudibly deducted twenty points a head from Linda and Ginny Weasley for truancy. Ginny would have wanted it that way.

Once they were seated beside the lake outside, Snape was able to catch his breath. Linda didn't seem quite so winded, Snape supposed because she must not have been intelligent enough to have frittered away her time indoors reading books and gaining a healthy translucent pallor.

"What's this all about, Linda? I don't object to missing that class," Snape carefully omitted it so he wouldn't be caught in lies, "but this all seems somewhat impulsive."

"Ginny, I've been confused ever since you started dating Harry." Linda sighed heavily. "What am I supposed to think? You completely stopped talking to any of us! You were like a stranger – always running away if me or any of the girls tried to talk to you and clung to him like a barnacle on a rock. Then you break up with him before a week is out and are spreading venomous gossip about him." She shook her head. "It doesn't make any sense! It's like you've become a completely different person! What is going on with you?"

"Ah." Snape's mind started to race. Somehow, while he had become quite good at lying convincingly in the world of adults, he felt that in the world of teenage girls any attempts to fly under the radar would be all too transparent. "I…got my period?"

"Ginny!" Linda looked angry. "This is serious."

"There is nothing more serious and disgusting than the miracle of nature that is bleeding out my womanhood for the better part of a week." Snape icily defending his crippled attempt at an excuse.

"There's one way it makes sense." She narrowed her eyes. "There are two elements at play here. If we look at Harry as the cause, it seems utterly ridiculous."

"Two?" Snape was lost. Must be that crazy 'logic' that women always seemed to use.

"Snape."

Snape just about swallowed and choked on his tongue. After a few coughs, he cleared his throat nervously.

"W-what do you mean?" His voice was higher than Ginny's usually would be.

"I _knew_ it." Dammit, she was tricky! "This has something to do with Professor Snape, doesn't it?"

"What possible connection could there be between a potions genius and a runty little Weasley mutt?" Snape could feel his eyes starting to move in opposite directions and forced them back into place. He couldn't break character now!

"You were somehow involved with his death, weren't you, Ginny?" Snape could feel his heart starting to beat in his ears. "You knew where he was and you knew that he was in danger, didn't you?" This felt disturbingly similar to the situation that had led to the death of his body. "And it's been plaguing you ever since!"

"It was an accident!" Snape blurted out before he realized it.

His eyes went wide and he clapped a hand over his mouth as Linda froze in shock. Snape was positively floored, knowing that that emotional outburst was…

He felt responsible for Ginny.

"What do you mean?" Linda felt shaken. Clearly Ginny somehow had direct knowledge of Snape's death.

Snape could feel his mind working quickly again, whirring like a machine. This was a situation that he was more used to. Taking advantage of his new body and its social expectations, he began to cry.

"I wasn't supposed to know – to have anything to do with it! I think you noticed that I was gone suddenly for a few hours before this all happened, yes?" He remembered the after effects of switching bodies.

Linda nodded.

He forced out a shaky sigh. "I was going for help with my homework when I heard him and the Headmaster talking outside of the potions room. It sounded serious and I panicked! So I hid in one of the storerooms. They were talking," he gave a nervous pause and gulped convincingly, "they were talking about his next visit with the…the Dark Lord."

Linda gasped. "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named?"

Snape grimaced inwardly. Surely there had to be a better, more catch-phrase-like way of saying it. "Yes. Snape was working as a double agent and was set to visit some old house. I…I heard everything! I hid the entire time because I was too frightened and stunned to do anything. Knowing was so much pressure, but I couldn't say anything and then…and then he disappeared and I knew." He stared wistfully over the lake.

"Oh, Ginny." Linda said, her eyes wide. "I had no idea. And here I thought Snape was just a bitchy asshole." She hugged her bosom buddy to show her support.

Snape, for the sake of his cover, hugged her back and took deep breaths to stop the crying. Inside, however, he was gloating. He _knew_ that she was far too tanned to be intelligent and the way she bought his crappy story proved it. He silently deducted another five points from Gryffindor to soothe his disillusion with the younger generation, ten points for disrespecting the dead, and a further five for forgetting to call him _Professor_ once again.

The hug ended and Snape wiped the remaining tears from his eyes.

"I have a meeting with my family tonight and we're going to talk about it. I'd wager that I'll be back to myself before no time." He smiled grimly.

"I hope so, Ginny. Merlin, I had no idea you were having to live with something like that! No wonder you went off the deep end."

"Yes, if you've ever met my mother, you'd know that mental fortitude does not smile favorably on the Weasley women."

Linda narrowed her eyes in confusion, but shook it off. Snape cursed, realizing that he might have to give up his past time of insulting the Weasleys.

_No. _He felt a sudden strong resolution. _I've given away so much already…that's too much. This is one charity the Weasleys will never get their grubby little fingers on!_

"We have to get to our next class," Linda noticed students beginning to mill about. "But don't push yourself too hard, Ginny."

"I won't." Snape smiled.

The two stood and began to head for Care of Magical Creatures. Snape shuddered when he realized what was happening. There was no way he'd suffer through a lesson by that hairy oaf of a groundskeeper.

"Actually, would you please tell Hagrid that I'm not feeling well?" Snape tried to look as pathetic as he could manage, no small feat for the fierce genius of a man.

"Of course!" Linda put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "You go and rest. Besides, I couldn't help overhearing that you've got a date tonight! You should enjoy it. Rupert is very charming I hear. Enjoy yourself."

Snape had just about taken all of the feel-good girl talk he could stomach. "Yeah, thanks so much, Linda." He gave a weak and insincere laugh. "See you later."

They parted ways.

"Cripes. I'd rather be tortured magically than endure that again. Merlin save me from the twisted culture that is teenage girldom." He muttered to himself as he stalked off to the common room.

Maybe if he checked the girl's possessions he could gain some insight and clues as to how he should behave. Ginny wouldn't mind – he'd be dead soon anyway. Besides, it's what she would have wanted. Thinking about the date, he shuddered.

"It's a good thing I'll be dead soon."

* * *

><p>Snape was standing under the portrait of the mange donkey, waiting angrily as he had been for the past ten minutes. Dressed in an outfit he was convinced was classy without being slutty, he intended to make it clear to Rupert that he was far too below her for his lust to be successful. He had adopted this strategy after his failed attempt to look into Ginny's belongings for clues.<p>

Sure, he had found her diary and opened it, but the contents were so nauseating that he vomited at least four times before he gave it up as unreadable drivel of the worst kind. He was already dying for the little brat, how much more did she want him to suffer? Anyway, he'd almost been on a date one time, he could definitely fake it well enough to get by.

"Ginny, you look…uh…." Rupert had rounded the corner, starting the compliment before he was in sight.

Ginny was wearing what could best be described as a 1980s power suit. A light lavender colour, the shoulder pads were enormous and projected at leas five inches past her actual shoulder line. Her spike heels were also no laughing matter, and he was certainly not laughing as she whirled around to face him, her eyes flaming.

"You are over ten minutes late!" Snape seethed. "Is that how you treat a lady? Well? IS IT?"

"I…I uh…" Rupert, being a good-looking douche, was not used to being questioned about his M.O.

"Well, I can see that you're _far _too busy to be going out with me." Snape continued on his emasculating tirade, "What with your abysmal grades in potions and your all-around jack-assery! Come back when you're serious!" He began to stride off, pleased with his small explosion. He was the best woman ever.

"Ginny, wait!" That insufferable fool grabbed his wrist and whirled him around to face him. Snape felt a wave of hatred that he was no longer big enough to prevent being pushed around. "I _am_ serious about you."

"Well, you have a funny way of showing it!" Snape snatched his wrist back. "Because last I checked the Ministry of Magic barred reverse-psychology as a field of study as of 1945."

"Ginny, I was late because I don't respect women. But I realize now that you're angry at me that I was wrong, and that I should respect you because, although you're a woman, you actually expect me to treat you well and shrewishly yell at me when I don't. What I mean to say is, Ginny," he paused, looking at her with his deep sensual eyes, "will you go steady with me?"

"Oh Rupert," Snape paused, looking as though he were coyly considering the offer, "I don't want to become my parents."

And then he kicked Rupert in a strategically sensitive area and strode off, shoulder pads waving in the breeze. As Rupert sank to the floor, cradling his bits, he couldn't help but come to the conclusion that Ginny was a bitch and this was all her fault. Nothing a little rebound action from the girls he cheated on to go out with Ginny wouldn't fix.

* * *

><p>It was the appointed hour and Snape stood outside of Dumbledore's office, waiting for the Headmaster to meet him. Wearing Ginny's Hogwarts robes, he paced anxiously back and forth, not sure what to expect due to Dumbledore's uncharacteristic and lengthy absence. Suddenly, the secret passage to his office opened and a haggard-looking Dumbledore came out. Snape had never seen him look so much like an old man.<p>

"Sir-"

"Ah, Severus. I see you are as punctual as ever." Dumbledore smiled, deepening the tired lines in his face. "Shall we be off to the room of requirement to meet with the Weasleys?" Without waiting for an answer, he took off at a surprisingly brisk stride.

"Sir, I…I wonder if you might not consider telling the Weasleys that there is something wrong with Ginny – an ailment or disorder – while we can get enough time to sort out this situation. There must be a solution to this and I think it bears waiting, playing the cards close to our chests so to speak." Snape struggled to keep up in his shorter, adolescent girls' body.

"I know you far too well, Severus. I trust you weren't planning any altruistic sacrifices?" Dumbledore gave him a sideways glance, raising an eyebrow accusingly.

"Not as such." Snape lied.

"Excellent. Be patient, Severus. I have never given you reason to doubt my judgment, and my judgment now suspects that the Weasleys are not the ones to worry about keeping secrets from." Dumbledore seemed to be walking faster with each passing word. The degree to which he and Severus knew each other was bound to reveal more than either intended in their seeming small talk.

As it already had. Snape knew that Dumbledore was speaking volumes through his omissions. Who were they hiding information from? Before he could form his ruminations into a question, they had already arrived at the doors.

"Here we are, just the same as always." Dumbledore said lightly. "After you, Severus."

Nervous and sweating a bit (although not as much as he would be in his old body) Snape pushed the door open and walked through the room toward the waiting, grim-faced Weasleys. He had never remembered Arthur as being quite so tall… They stared at him with distant eyes and he knew they saw him as a stranger. Because of this, he was not surprised when Molly uttered,

"Severus," under her breath.

But her tone surprised him. It was soft and grateful. Snape turned back to Dumbledore.

"Just what didn't you tell them?" He demanded.

The Headmaster's face took on a grave look.

"It's what we didn't tell _you_." He replied.

"What?" Snape turned to face the Weasleys again as a figure stepped from behind Arthur and Molly to stand at the front of the clan.

Snape's blood ran cold and he felt his heart miss a few beats. It was like he was looking in a mirror.

"Ginny." He whispered in shock.

Ginny's eyes were glistening with tears and she was shaking slightly, but she nodded her head, consumed by emotion.

"Now we've two sets of twins in the family!" Fred ventured.

"Too soon!" George hit him into silence.

"What's happening?" Snape could hear a ringing in his ears. "Where did she come from?"

Molly had tears in her eyes and Arthur stood with a grave yet relieved face.

"She came from the past." Snape turned to see Dumbledore holding the broken remains of a time turner.

"What-"

"Yes, Severus. It suddenly occurred to me that, if we would give a time turner to Miss Grainger for something as petty and retarded as taking more classes than a school schedule could possibly allow, then why the hell weren't we using it to, oh, I don't know, kill Voldemort or save people? Realizing that the time laws were horseshit in the face of such evil and tragedy, I decided to begin righting wrongs, starting with the death of Ginny Weasley. I was finally able to find her shortly before the body switch occurred and brought her here. Your presence in Miss Weasleys' body after I had removed her from the timeline also serves to prove the parallel universe theory, although that is hardly pertinent at the moment." Dumbledore explained.

"What?" Snape's reeling mind could not wrap around the metaphysical buzz words.

"My apologies." Dumbledore nodded in acknowlegement of Snape's painfully concrete thinking, "If our universe were the only universe, then freedom of choice where our actions are concerned is merely an illusion. If there is one universe, there is only one choice that you can actually make, meaning that all other 'choices' in reality did not exist. The existence of yourself in Miss Weasley's body and of Miss Weasley in her own body, according to the single universe theory, would be a paradox. If we were one universe, taking Miss Weasley from the past would have resulted in her being alive at your expense and the result would have been one Ginny Weasley, as there always has been, and a dead Severus Snape."

"I think it's more pertinent to get on to other matter so that-" Snape tried to save himself from this onslaught of crap he didn't care about.

But it was to no avail, as Dumbledore was fully caught up in his lecture. "Because both you and Miss Weasley are here, that means that we do have freedom of choice!"

"...I fail to see the connection." Snape mumbled.

"If we truly have freedom of choice, Severus, each choice that is an option must truly exist as a choice. It becomes a branching-off point for another universe. If I am to choose between my delightful emerald green robes and my saucy purple robes, both choice must actually be possible. So if I choose my saucy purple robe, then by default, at the same time another me in a parallel universe must choose to wear my delightful emerald green robes. The choice of my robes becomes a divergence in which two universes exist simultaneously but in different dimensions - the universe of the purple Dumbledore and the universe of the green Dumbledore. In order for two Ginny Weasleys to exist in our universe without creating a paradox, we must have taken a Ginny Weasley from a parallel universe instead. That would be a universe where Ginny Weasley just disappeared one day, and was never seen again."

"What?" Ginny looked horrified.

"This Ginny here," Dumbledore gestured to her, "could be different from our Ginny only as far as she chose to wear a different shirt today. Or she could be vastly different in other ways that remain to be seen."

Ron had started tuning this out after the first few sentences and was now hearing a soft humming in his ears. His brain had clearly been overheating with the effort of trying to follow this impossible sciency monologue. How was it that muggles weren't completely insane?

"So then have you my body somewhere? How did you manage to find it without its soul? How shall this body switch work?" Snape's mind was swimming as a result of this putrid muggle science, but if Dumbledore had managed to get back Ginny's body... "If there are three bodies for the switch, there will be a disturbing corpse left behind."

_Unless they let that stupid owl have its way and become human by occupying the second Ginny body._ Snape mused, laughing at the thought of a future that didn't involve killing it.

Dumbledore looked uncomfortable and Molly burst out into tears.

"That does not bode well." Snape muttered.

"Possibly on the same wavelength as I, Fudge passed a law in the Ministry to ban the creation and use of all time altering devices. Once I returned with Miss Weasley here, I found a Ministry employee waiting for me in my office with a stiff fine for misuse of time artifacts. He destroyed all time turners in the school and obliviated any knowledge of how to create them. It really couldn't have come at a worse time."

"Sir, I don't understand…what does this mean?" Snape was trembling, knowing very well what it meant.

"Simply put, Severus, Ginny Weasley is back from the dead in her own body. There is no longer a need for you to sacrifice yourself for her, as you were no doubt planning. However, with the absence of your body and no means to retrieve it, you must now live out the rest of your life in this universe's Ginny's body. In other words, you must now live as a teenage Weasley." It was far too strange for Dumbeldore to even fathom how best to break the bad news, so he opted for bluntness.

Snape sat down hard, his legs buckling out from under him, and rolled slightly to the side before he caught himself. Ginny, consumed by guilt and confused as all hell, ran to his side and helped him to his feet. Snape leaned against her for support, still taking it all in.

"What trickery is this?" He hissed, clearly dazed.

"Oh, Professor," Ginny was sympathetic and could only imagine how he felt right now.

They stopped before Molly.

"Severus, I had no idea that you were capable of such…kindness. I know that we are never on the best of terms and you generally hold us in disdain, but…if you need a place to stay, please feel free to come with us until you sort things out." Molly nervously offered her world famous hospitality.

"Even longer, if you like. You're a Weasley now." Arthur extended his hand. "Welcome to the family."

Snape's eyes went wide and he hissed like the hand was made of flaming excrement. He batted it aside and pushed Ginny to the ground like a playground bully.

"The fuck I am!" He shrieked, and ran from the room.

Molly hit Arthur.

"Came on a bit too strong." Dumbledore said dryly. "I warned you to do it as we rehearsed, now I'll have to go find him and talk him down from his hysteria." He rolled his eyes.

"Er…sorry." Arthur said sheepishly.

"'S okay, Dad. We only need one Ginny." Fred and George helped her to her feet.

Ron was still in silent shock.

_I touched Snape….ugh._

"Don't worry, he'll come 'round. Who knows? Maybe with a proper upbringing he'll straighten out and be able to have a healthy, non-deviant life that ends with him being happy." Dumbledore half-joked, running after Snape.

* * *

><p><strong><span>Author's Aside<span>**

**Blonde One: Ha ha aha ha ha!**

**Tomato Face: *nervously* Heh heh, yeah I thought it was pretty funny.**

**Blonde One: Ha aha ha ha ha!**

**Tomato Face: I'm glad to see that you're taking this so well. I was sure that you'd be pissed that I ruined the dramatic suicide pact you set up last chapter.**

**Blonde One: Mad? Why would I waste my time being mad when I can get revenge!**

**Tomato Face: Uh..**

**Blonde One: Don't worry, I won't play anything this round. No, I shall bide my time and strike when you least expect it.**

**Tomato Face: Oookay. Well I look forward to your chapter... I guess.**

**Blonde One: *muttering* I'll get you in your sleep!**

Check back next time to see how Snape will adapt to being stuck as a teenage girl. And now that Ginny's back, what does that mean for Harry and Hedwig?


	6. Round 5: Starting Over

Round 5: Starting Over

Snape ran blindly down the halls of Hogwarts, shoving any passing students out of his way and leaving a trail of confusion and hurt feelings in his wake.

What was he going to do? He had resigned himself to death, but now that there was no reason for it he would have to find some way to live in this new body and with the fact that the Weasleys apparently thought that they were his friends now_. How could this have happened?_

Eventually, despite the fact that Ginny's body was significantly more athletic than his old one, Snape began to run out of breath. He came to a halting stop in front of a statue of a baby giraffe which the Headmaster had ordered during his "African phase" and leaned heavily against the wall, gasping in air.

"Severus!" Snape heard Albus calling his name in concern well before the Headmaster rounded the corner at a jog.

"Ah there you are!" Dumbledore said as he came to an easy stop, not the least bit out of breath to Snape's extreme annoyance.

"Now I realize that this is all very upsetting for you Severus, but there was no reason to go off on the Weasleys like that. They were just trying to offer you some support." Dumbledore gently chastised him.

"I never asked for their help!" Snape snapped. "And I certainly don't want them thinking of me as their new daughter! Asking me to stay at their house? What on earth possessed them to suggest such a repulsive thing I can't imagine."

"Actually, I was the one who suggested that they make the offer." Dumbledore said nonchalantly, his casual statement causing Snape's head to whip up in surprise.

"You know that I hate them! Why would you do that?" Snape demanded.

"I thought it was a good option for you. You'll need some time to sort things out and the Weasley's home seemed like a convenient place for that, plus it would be free." Dumbledore smiled as he spoke, and Snape narrowed his eyes in suspicion at the Headmaster's cheerful front.

"Why can't I stay here?" Snape asked quietly.

"I really think some place quieter would be better suited for the kind of reflection and life reevaluation you'll need to do." Dumbledore was still smiling, but Snape wasn't soothed by his explanations.

"Well I don't see any reason why I should have to leave. And I don't need to do any reflecting or any of that other feel good nonsense. I'm still the same person and I see no reason not to continue on as I was before! I can still do my job!" Snape's voice raised in volume as he spoke until he practically screamed the last sentence. He had intended to sound forceful but his high girlish voice sounded unconvincing even to his own ears, and the Headmaster did not appear impressed.

"I understand that your mind is still the same, Severus. However even you must admit that it would be difficult for you to command the same respect in the classroom looking as young as you do now. And well… we already held your funeral. It would be pretty inconvenient to have to explain everything now."

"You're just trying to get rid of me aren't you?" Snape screeched, not wanting to hear anymore of what the Headmaster had to say. "Well I'm not leaving Hogwarts and I'm not becoming a Weasley!" Snape didn't wait for the Headmaster to reply and took off at a run toward the privacy of his rooms. He needed to think! There had to be some way for him to hold on to his life! But as Snape's mind furiously worked he could come up with no solutions. Polyjuice potion might allow him to reclaim his old body temporarily but there wasn't enough of his hair lying around for that to work for long. Magical plastic surgery would provide a permanent solution but there was no way that he could afford that on his current salary! Or rather his former salary, as the Headmaster had just made it pretty clear that he was fired.

Snape reached his room and threw open the doors and hastily bolted them behind him so that the Headmaster couldn't follow him. Unfortunately, as Snape turned around he discovered that he already had an unwelcome visitor. The recently repaired window to his room was once more a shattered mess of glass and Hedwig sat perched on the back of a chair. The owl, seeing his apparent distress hooted questioningly at him but Snape was in no mood for conversation.

"Get out, you pest!" Snape roared and gestured violently toward the window. Hedwig gave a startled squawk at his outburst, and shuffled her feet and flapped her wings in an unintelligible response. Snape didn't bother considering making another potion so that he could talk to her, he simply marched over to the window and wrenched it open, though it was mostly just an empty wooden frame, as Hedwig had smashed most of the glass on her way in.

"Go on, get out! You can bother me about you curse some other time, I've no patience for that now!" Snape growled. "There's no need for you to be in a rush now anyway! Ginny's alive again thanks to some time travel antics, so your beloved Potter should go back to being perfectly happy. The bastard!" Snape muttered as he held the window frame open.

Hedwig blinked her large yellow eyes at him a few times silently, obviously shocked at this news. Then, without another sound, she spread her wings and sailed out of the room and into the open air. Snape slammed the window shut after her, dislodging the remaining bits of glass from the frame.

_The damn owl will probably hold me to that promise to break her curse regardless of the fact that I've no real reason to help her now. _Snape inwardly griped. _This is why I never agree to help people! _

* * *

><p>"Man this is still so unbelievable!" Ginny sighed as she and Ron walked down the hallways together. Seeing as how the conversation with Professor Snape had been an utter disaster, the Weasley family had decided to call it a day and everyone was returning to their own rooms for the time being. "I mean, if you think about it, the Ginny of this dimension is still dead! I might be different than the girl that bore my name in this universe in a million minute ways. Who knows how my presence here will impact things." Ginny's mind boggled at the implications of what the Headmaster had done for her sake.<p>

"I still can't believe that I touched Snape!" Ron shuddered earning him a frown from his sister.

"Well I can't believe that you never suspected anything was wrong!" Ginny said irately.

"Hey! Snape was doing a really convincing job as you, is all." Ron claimed defensively.

Just then Harry came around the corner of the hallway, trudging along in their direction with a dejected look on his face. As soon as he spotted the two of them he turned a little pale and did an abrupt about face. He power walked back the way he had come in an obvious attempt at avoiding them and quickly disappeared around the corner.

"Oh that's right!" Ron suddenly exclaimed. "Harry thinks that you're Snape! We still haven't told him that you're you and alive! Man he's going to be so happy to see you again Ginny! I mean you you, not Snape you." Ron grinned as he blurted out this awkward sentence, Ginny however looked pensive.

"Do you think that you could break the news to him for me Ron? I think we'll have trouble getting him to talk to me 'til he knows what's going on."

"Sure! I'll go tell him now, poor guy must have been so miserable this whole time! I'll go and find him, see ya later sis!" Ron waved goodbye as he trotted after his friend, eager to tell him the joyous news.

Once he had gone, Ginny sighed to herself. As much as she wanted to end Harry's suffering over her death, she wasn't looking forward to talking to him. Ginny knew that once she did she would have to break his heart. She didn't know what the feeling of the original Ginny of this universe had been, but she had never had romantic feelings for Harry. And really, after hearing the whole story of the body switch how could she date someone who hadn't been able to tell her apart from a bird?

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Aside<strong>

**Tomato Face: You didn't use a card? What the hell?**

**Blonde One: I don't have to if I don't want to.**

**Tomato Face: Ahhh! I'm so torn. I don't know what to play... I have a card that would be useful, but the point was for _me_ to ruin _your_ story!**

**Blonde One: We're supposed to be ruining each other's!**

**Tomato Face: And if I play my card now, then I have to put up with whatever you want. It will turn into a hideous romance! **

**Blonde One: I THINK YOU MEAN BEAUTIFUL!**

**Tomato Face: Hmmm...Well, I have a card left...what's your last card?**

**Blonde One: I have TWO cards left, and there's no way I'm telling you what they are.**

**Tomato Face: DAMMIT! Okay, well...strategy dictates that I also not play a card for the next round. I guess I'll have to develop characters or something to pass the time. OR, I could do a Twilight special! "_Snape was depressed. He sat in a chair for three months_." And then pass it off to you.**

**Blonde One: I would kill you and I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't be the only one.**

**Tomato Face: Touchee. Well...I'll give it my best. What are the restrictions for plot developments when you aren't using a card?**

**Blonde One: Well, you were the last one to use a card, so the ball is pretty much in your court now. You can basically do whatever you want as long as you don't negate either events that have already happened or change the card that I played.**

**Tomato Face: Oh! I thought I couldn't do anything. Well then, I'ma get my creative juices ON! See you next week, biz-natches!**


	7. Round 6: Selena Snape

**Round Six: Selena Snape**

'Starting over' was singularly unappealing to Snape. He had known the Headmaster was good at juggling many secret things at arms' length and, at times, had even suspected falling victim to some of this, but he hadn't seriously believed that Dumbledore could possibly keep something so large a secret from him. That must have been the advantage of being absent – absolutely impossible for Snape to question his motives and no opportunity for Dumbledore to have to lie.

The only reason Severus hadn't descended into a foggy mass of confused depression was his unrelenting goal to save Ginny via killing himself. Now that that was unnecessary he found himself dealing with the feelings he was hoping death would have helped him avoid. What did it mean for his life now that he was seemingly indefinitely trapped in Ginny Weasley's body? Snape was certain the conversation in the corridor after Dumbledore had caught him up hadn't gone the way the Headmaster had intended.

"Severus, Severus, please slow down!" He had called out politely, even though in this dwarven Weasley body Dumbledore could now easily outpace Snape when he threw one of his trademark temper tantrums.

To spare himself the humiliation of being unable to outrun Dumbledore, Snape had whirled around on the spot, his eyes blazing.

"_What_? What is it, Albus?" He hissed, slightly surprised that although his higher voice did not lend the full power he had hoped for, the capacity for venom in his tone had increased by at least a threefold.

"I had hoped you would take seriously my suggestion for you to take some time off and reconsider your option of re-orienting yourself now that you are in this body. I can only imagine that it muddies your already murky sense of self identity." He looked somewhat calm.

"_YOU THINK_?" Snape screeched. "Potions Master for this agglomeration of brats is not fulfilling enough for my life, and I filled that void with espionage because no woman would touch me! In this body, all I can go back to is potions. I can't resume my former duties – having two Ginny Weasleys makes it impossible for me to pose as a Deatheater without endangering her again and rendering this whole sacrifice useless! This is positively horrifying! I don't belong in this body and, unlike mine, it isn't anywhere near its mid-life point. I don't know if I can do it, Albus! How can I spend the rest of my life not fitting in my own skin?"

Dumbledore had bit his tongue, preventing himself from responding that that was essentially how every teenager felt.

Snape had intended it to be a well-reasoned, rational speech, but by the end he was trembling. He wished he could blame it on female hormones, but knew that it was all him. After all he had been through in his long and horrifying life, this was truly the most awful and traumatic thing that had ever happened to him.

After some arguing, Dumbledore had relented to allowing Snape to resume his post as Potions Master. At this point, it was all Snape had left.

Snape was startled out of his meditations by some scratching at his window. He looked and found, much to his irritation, that it was Hedwig. Still, having nothing better to do, he let her in.

"What do _you_ want, you wretch?" He gave her a cold gaze.

Hedwig looked up at him with round yellow eyes, lowering herself to the ground.

"Submissive body language is hardly any consolation. I'll let you speak your mind, though it's far more than you deserve." Snape produced the potion necessary for Hedwig to be understood.

"I wanted to see how you were doing." Hedwig began hesitantly.

"Well," Snape arched an eyebrow, "it's good to see that they spared no expense in owl princess finishing school."

"This isn't a matter of manners – it's a matter of recognizing that I've ruined your life!" Hedwig looked at him in shock.

"Well, at least _you_ have the sense to call it like it is. I'm so freaking sick of Albus and those disgusting Weasleys calling it my 'chance to start over'." He shuddered. "And what about you? Do your stupid owl powers allow you to sacrifice yourself to get my body back? Because it's a sacrifice I'd be willing to make." Snape was disappointed that his voice sounded catty instead of cold.

Hedwig tried to hide the hurt look in her eyes, "I suppose that's fair enough to be said. But unfortunately, no, I can't. Bringing your body back does not reverse the damage done and that, coupled with the decay, makes it absolutely impossible for your corpse to be habitable." She tried to look sympathetic, "No matter how many ways you cut the cake, you're still forced into living in Ginny's body."

"Is that seriously all you had to say to me?" Snape was outraged.

"Yes. I wanted to see if there was anything else I could do to help." Hedwig tried not to regret coming, as this entire situation was her fault.

"Well, it's a bit late for that!" Snape yelled. "Although I wouldn't mind if you just died anyway!" He roared, flipping a table over.

Hedwig took flight in alarm as the table clattered to the ground, sending papers flying everywhere and shattering a jar of ink. Snape screamed and made aggressive hand gestures at Hedwig as the black ink spread across the stone floor, seeping into the grout.

"GET OUT! Get out, or I'll kill you!" He threw a chair at the bird.

Needing no second bidding and frightened for her life, Hedwig took flight and soared out the window. She realized that she had been selfishly seeking his forgiveness. There could be no forgiveness for what she had done and she would have to live with his hatred. It was what she deserved and the only selfless path to take. The pain of her guilt was stronger than anything the Potions Master could ever throw at her. Flying to the rookery, Hedwig intended to take her vows and live out the rest of her life as a nun owl. She would continue to serve Harry and would dedicate the rest of her life to good works in order to atone for her crime.

Finished with his tirade and somewhat satisfied, Snape lapsed into uncomfortable silence as he surveyed the mess he had made. He shrugged. House elves would clean it up later. This left him with the uncomfortable conundrum of what to do next. He was slated to begin teaching potions again the next day and, as much as he would love to create some sort of polyjuice potion, he knew it would only be able to last him so long, and the thought of self-cannibalism was less than appealing. He rightened the chair he had thrown, intending to sit on it, and found that one of the legs had fractured off. Sighing in frustration, he plunked himself down on his bed.

"What am I to do, then?" He bitterly asked of the silence. "Live as a Weasley?" He gave a derisive laugh.

He had no sense of purpose. Aside from being the Potions Master, he had lost everything of his previous identity. Outwardly, everything that had made him Severus Snape was now gone. He felt his eyes stinging.

Then, he abruptly looked up.

"No, no angst. That makes me no better than Potter and his stupid Daddy issues." He stood up and walked to his washroom – the only place in his entire abode than contained a mirror.

Light blue eyes, fair freckled skin and flaming red hair looked back at him. He tried to smile, but he wasn't used to making such an expression and it looked somewhat grotesque.

"I need to stop thinking of you as a loaner. You're mine now." He said to his new body. "And as much as it disgusts me, this is the partnership of what will likely be a long and horrible life."

He leaned in close to look at the face. It was so disgustingly young! No lines and wrinkles – hell, it still looked like the face of a child! It still looked like Ginny.

"This must be what it's like to be a twin." He grumbled. "I look like her, but I'm not her. I live in her shadow. How do I become my own person? How do I make this shell into a new me that I can truly view as myself?"

Snape had a sudden and unexpected revelation.

"No, no. I don't want any part of _that_." He moaned.

But deep down, he knew that he had no other choice.

* * *

><p>"Hmmm…I dunno." Fred squinted, trying to frame the scene with his hands shaped like a box.<p>

"I just don't see the whole twin angle." George added, grinning cheekily.

Snape stood before the two, practically fuming in rage.

"I mean, sure you _look_ like Ginny, but that's because you _are_ Ginny." Fred put his hands down to his sides with a slap.

"_Completely_ different from twins." George really didn't want to help Snape. At all.

"So you understand why we can't help you." Fred turned to leave, George following suit.

Snape swallowed his anger long enough to formulate a plan of attack. Those two were probably still sensitive from when he pushed their sister over.

"Gentlemen," Snape began, "I'm sure this is an uncomfortable situation for you. It is no less awkward for you than I, let me assure you. I know how dear Ginny is to you – not only your baby sister, but your only sister."

"Yes, she is." George looked at Snape in utter loathing.

"So you can probably sympathize with having to watch one of our least favorite people in her form." Fred said airily.

"Well, then it works to your advantage to humor me." Snape offered.

"Funny, didn't think you had a sense of humor." George laughed meanly and Snape fought the urge to deduct house points.

"Why should we help you?" Fred wasn't really adverse to helping Snape, and was mildly intrigued.

"Teach me to break from Ginny's image and her shadow. It will give me my own identity – something I'm sure you had to work through as you grew up," He tried to ignore the fact that they were wearing identical outfits and had similar stances, chalking it up to their being poor, "and, most importantly, it will separate me further from association with Ginny. Do you really want the confusion of me and her wreaking havoc on your dear baby sister's life?" He grinned, pleased to see he hadn't lost his shrewdness.

George looked furious and Fred was mildly irritated. It passed very quickly.

"Alright, then." Fred shook his hand. "We have an agreement."

"We'll think of it as Ginny's funeral present. I'm sure she'd be mortified to have anyone mistake you for _her_." George vowed to bury his hatred in order to help his sister.

"Excellent." Snape wasn't certain if it really was excellent, but uttered it as more of a prayer.

"Well, let's see what we've got here, then." Fred looked him up and down.

"What have you been doing with our sister's hair?" George asked in disgust, lifting up a sample of his flaming red hair. "You can't just wash and hang dry!"

"And your robes!" Fred noted in surprise, "they don't fit at all! Plus they aren't structured and hang off of you like a bag."

"Well, I don't exactly have an appropriate wardrobe to fit a teenage female body." Snape said dryly.

"No, no, this won't do at all." George looked pensive.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Fred turned to his twin, raising an eyebrow.

They grabbed each other's faces in excitement,

"MAKEOVER~!"

* * *

><p>"Listen, Ginny, I just wanted to talk to you." Harry was sitting with Ginny at a quiet and relatively abandoned table in the Great Hall.<p>

She had, in her opinion, graciously agreed to see him a good hour before breakfast. While she was an early riser, Ginny couldn't help but feel that there were better things to spend her time on.

"What about, Harry?" She tried to seem cold to drive home the idea that she was not the same Ginny he had fallen in love with.

"I wanted to ask why you don't feel that way about me," Harry began, "well, more to ask why you don't feel the same way about your universe's me. You want me to recognize that you aren't the same Ginny as the Ginny from my universe, but you also have to realize that I'm not the same Harry as in your universe. We both have our preconceptions, and so maybe we should just talk to each other to see how different or similar we are."

Ginny raised an eyebrow in surprise.

"Alright, Harry. You're right. I took for granted that I wasn't giving you the same chance I was asking for myself. I hadn't really thought beyond myself, I guess."

Harry smiled inwardly. He was quite the tactician, and had bought himself a second chance. He could NOT blow this.

"Right. So, what is Harry in your universe like?" He decided to get to the heart of the matter.

"Well," Ginny took a moment to recall it, "He looks a lot like you, but maybe five kilos heavier in muscle weight. The telltale scar goes through his eyebrow and across his right eye. Even though the doctors were able to restore the sight in his affected eye, the Harry in my universe wound up with his right eye discolored. Instead of green, it's brown – the colour of Tom Riddle's – and through it he can occasionally see the same things that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is seeing. It consumed him. He works tirelessly at Hogwarts to thwart He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named's evil plans and, since the untimely death of Hermione, studies almost obsessively in order to have the knowledge he will need to find and kill He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. When he isn't studying or in classes, he is working out and taking special lessons. He has become a focused being, entirely intent on destroying the evil that has plagued his life and the lives of so many for so long." She sighed. "He seemed alright when I was younger, although his odd eyes creeped me out, but after Hermione was killed he closed everyone off. He pushed Ron away and barely interacted with me. I knew that he thought he was protecting everyone, but he was really protecting himself. He was afraid to grow attached to someone and have them killed again. Through living such a dedicated, selfless life he cheapened his self and purpose, and became unwittingly selfish… It's something that I never understood and couldn't abide. But you should have seen him with his shirt off..."

Ginny's voice trailed off and it was clear that her thoughts were suddenly elsewhere as her cheeks coloured. Harry looked desolately into the polished surface of the table. He was a ripped, bad-ass, hard-boiled manly man in her universe? How the hell could he compete with that? No wonder Ginny had seemed disgusted and vaguely disappointed when she'd first seen him!

_I'll bet he has better hair too!_ He looked at his girl hands and twig legs, feeling hopeless.

"I'm sorry." Ginny shook herself out of her steamy, hot reverie. "I guess I've been a little curious – what was the Ginny of this universe like?"

"Oh." Harry tried to smile confidently, but just felt so emasculated somehow. "Well, you – sorry, _she_ was quiet at first. I only knew her as Ron's little sister and she was shy around me when we first sort of got to know each other. After a few summers of visiting the Weasleys she started to be less withdrawn and shy around me, and it got a lot better after the summer that I saved her life from Tom Riddle's Diary."

"What?" Ginny seemed surprised.

Harry tried to explain the whole situation with the horcruxes, but Ginny seemed to have a hard time grasping it.

"You mean that in your universe it's in _puzzles_? His power is in puzzles?"

"Well…yes. Everything in our universe seems to involve puzzles and fantastical intrigue. Why?" Harry felt like he had come to a book club for the movie novelisation of "Die Hard" after having read "The Hobbit".

Ginny shook her head.

"In my universe it's an all-out war! Wizards are no longer secret to the muggles – it's impossible with the slaughter and mayhem that happens almost daily. We try to keep muggles safe and it's all the Minister of Magic could do to keep Hogwarts secure enough for students to attend." She started to tremble as she relived what she reflected on. "We have our memories of Hogwarts' location obliviated every time we go home and it moves now that it's been put on a floating chunk of land. Dumbledore grew harsh after Hagrid's betrayal and agreed to have ministry guards stationed throughout the school. It feels like a prison. Any student suspected of spying is immediately sent to Azkaban. They took Percy away a few months ago. It was…it was strange and wonderful to see him again in this universe." She gave a shaky smile.

"I imagine this Hogwarts is a lot different, then." Harry didn't know what to say.

"It is. It's almost like going back to my childhood." Ginny sighed. "I feel guilty about leaving everyone behind, but…I just like being here so much! And I was so happy to know that being here helped keep Professor Snape alive."

"Come again?" Harry was pretty sure that his Ginny would have found that point a weak consolation.

"The Severus Snape in our universe leads the battle against He-who-must-not-be-named's forces as the Ministry General. He is a brilliant tactician and if it weren't for him, the war would already have been lost."

Harry decided in the interests of not making himself feel any more inadequate than he already did to refrain from asking anything further about her universe's Snape. Or anyone else for that matter. For all he knew, the deceased Hermione was probably more badass than he was!

"I can see that it will take you some time to get used to our universe, then. To decompress, as it were." Harry smiled at her reassuringly. "I respect that you don't have feelings for me and I will take you as a different person than Ginny. Please know that if you need help or someone to talk to, though, that you can always confide in me. My universe may be all puzzles and magic, but I see a lot more than most of the students here do and I can certainly empathize with feeling out of place and from a darker world."

Ginny smiled genuinely. "Thank you, I'd like that."

And Harry smiled back.

_Excellent…all according to plan._ He had bought himself a second chance and then some. If the Ginny of this universe had fallen for him, it still wasn't out of the question that this new Ginny wouldn't. _I'll win her heart with the power of friendship!_

"Harry, I-" Ginny froze mid-sentence and her eyes widened in disbelief as she stared behind him.

Worried that she'd seen something that was triggering painful memories, Harry whirled around. Instantly he wished that he hadn't.

"Hullo, sis!" Fred chirped.

"We've got a present for you!" George beamed.

"What?" Ginny's face darkened.

"I told you this wasn't a good idea!" The young lady between them turned, attempting to flee.

"Not so fast!" George caught her by the shoulder.

"We worked so hard! It can't be all for naught." Fred caught her other shoulder and they playfully spun her around.

"Take it all in!" George gestured grandly as the young lady looked like she wanted to disappear.

"What the hell have you done to me?" Ginny screeched, just shy of livid.

"I'm _not_ you!" The young lady hissed, sour in tone.

"S-sir?" Harry was feeling an uncomfortable feeling…in his pants.

"Twenty points from Gryffindor." With her unique insight, she recognized the look on Harry's face instantly.

"Professor Severus Snape, you of all people should have-" Ginny began to lecture but was cut off.

"No, Miss Weasley. I'm not Professor Severus Snape. Not anymore. I have come to accept that this will, in all likelihood, be the body that I shall have to live the rest of my life in." She raised a delicate eyebrow in a dissatisfied arch. "And in the interests of having as little impact on your life as possible, I chose to look distinct from you."

"Yes…'distinct' is certainly an accurate word." Ginny chewed on her lower lip.

"It will take me some time, but I must forge a new identity. Your brothers have been instrumental in this process." She continued.

"Oh, have they?" Ginny's voice lowered dangerously as she cast Fred and George death glares. The twins shrugged their shoulders like the lovable jackasses they were, smiling innocently.

"Yes." She smiled wryly. "In fact, I think you ought to give them at least eighty percent credit in my transformation, if not ninety. But I digress. I would like to re-introduce myself to you as Professor Selena Snape." She stood tall, trying to look like a confident, no-nonsense young woman.

Harry had difficulty taking it all in. She had the frame and face of Ginny, but everything else was different. Her hair was dyed black, her highlights shining with faint blue undertones. Her eyebrows had even been coloured black, giving her skin an even paler, ghastly pallor and almost making her freckles seem to disappear. Her eyes seemed that much icier and piercing, especially with the heavy dark makeup (he assumed Fred and George were responsible for this and wasn't quite sure if Snape was able/willing to continue such a beauty regimen) giving her a heavy-lidded look. Even though Harry wasn't one to argue with aesthetics, he found the dark plum lipstick almost inappropriate for a girl Ginny's age. Snape wore one of his old robes that Fred and George had forced the house elves to re-tailor into a more form-fitting, flattering outfit. Certainly this new visage of Ginny was darker and more sexual than the one he was used to, but the knowledge that Snape was inside made it positively horrifying. Despite his physical reaction, Harry found himself wanting to cry. Why was this happening to him?

"And what am I supposed to do in the meantime as people mistake me for her? She still looks like me!" Ginny's eye blazed, uncomfortable with seeing this new her and suddenly feeling a little inadequate.

"I wouldn't worry about that!" Fred back-pedaled.

"Snape'd probably kill them." George added.

"That's Professor." Snape corrected him. "And murder is no longer condoned or allowed under the Ministry of Magic Charter Amendment of 1956." Her fingers curled with rage and disappointment, black nails digging into white flesh.

"I'm just-! I-!" Ginny wasn't sure how to express herself. Somehow, even though that body was now Snape's and a separate entity from herself, she felt violated. Seeing herself this way felt wrong.

"Are you okay?" Harry put a hand on her shoulder.

Still riling with emotion, she turned on him.

"NO! And I DON'T want to be comforted by YOU! Not only did you fail to notice that your beloved Ginny had been replaced with an OWL - something I can only expect was born from your infantile fantasies being fulfilled by her all too willing compliance – I can't help but notice your strategically-placed textbook in the face of _Professor Snape_! In _my body_!"

"Ginny, please. This is-"

"NO! I don't want to hear it." She cut him off. "I want to be alone!" And she ran off, sobbing loudly.

Snape gave a low-whistle.

"Twenty points to Miss Weasley."

"Well…that went poorly." George sighed.

"Best give her her space?" Fred suggested.

The two sulked off dejectedly as Snape went off to prepare for the coming day's lessons.

"What just happened?" It was all so fast that Harry's head was reeling.

It was the worst possible misunderstanding! He had been given a second chance, and now it seemed that Hedwig's stupid body switching had ruined it yet again. Why did the horrible things always happen to him? How could he win Ginny back?

"Hermione's no good." He muttered to himself. "She'd just agree with Ginny. Ron doesn't know enough about the ladies (despite what he claims)."

The answer came to him.

"Hedwig."

She got him into this mess, maybe her advice and or previously unknown owl magic could get him out of it! Besides, she was technically a girl. Maybe she had made a habit of spying on romantic rivals and knew things about Ginny that might apply to the new Ginny.

It was all too complicated and a long shot, but he had to try.

With a determined nod, he set off for the rookery.

If only he had realized that Ginny's reaction was a strong indication of how she really felt.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Aside<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Tomato Face: Well, I think that went swimmingly!<strong>

**Blonde One: *disbelief* Really? *shakes head* Nevermind. What took you so long?**

**Tomato Face: Oh, well, other than a tidal wave of surprising personal tragedies that delayed me, it's just a million times easier to vandalize something you've created than to come up with something interesting and fresh myself! I had to think pretty hard!**

**Blonde One: *dryly* Yes, that thinking is rather hard, isn't it? Although I'd say you basically just re-hashed what's already happened and didn't really present anything new.**

**Tomato Face: Shut your face hole! I totally did! Snape's like, an Elvira-esque seductress now. And Hedwig's a nun owl!  
><strong>

**Blonde One: I'm not even going to dignify Hedwig with a response. Besides, don't you see anything particularly out of character with Snape being a seductress?**

**Tomato Face: No way! He can totally manipulate people with his feminine wiles like he never could before. The new power is boundless, the potential intoxicating! Admit it: if he were a lady and had had the chance, he totally would have done it! Besides, I made sure to keep your precious unrequited Ginny x Harry x Hedwig love triangle intact...so's I can wreck it later! Ba ha ha ha haaaaaa!**

**Blonde One: Pfft! Whatever! It would have been more appreciated if you had provided the story with some forward momentum instead. Luckily for our readers (if we have any left after that long break) I'm here to move things along. For my turn I play "Long-lost close relative or lover is discovered!"**

**Tomato Face: Huh? You held out last turn for that? I bet you weren't "strategically saving" your cards last time, you just had no idea how to make that card work, admit it!**

**Blonde One: ... No!... I just have a grand plan that is beyond your feeble mind's comprehension!**

**Tomato Face: Oh yeah? Well what is it then?**

**Blonde One: You'll find out next week when we return to our regularly scheduled programming. **


	8. Round 7: Family Secrets

Round 7: Family Secrets

Entering the rookery Harry quickly spotted Hedwig perched in her usual spot by the back window. Oddly, Hedwig was wearing a weird little cape that reminded Harry of a nun's habit, but he decided not to comment on it. Far be it for him to comment on other people's fashion choices.

"Hedwig! I need to talk to you!" Harry rushed up Hedwig, eager to tell her everything that had transpired. Turning her head to face him Hedwig gave a friendly chirp in greeting.

"It's Ginny! You'll never believe it, but Dumbledore traveled back in time and rescued her… Well sort of, I mean she's a little different because of alternate dimensions or something…" Harry faltered a bit in his explanation as he thought back on his recent conversation with Ginny, and on how different her experiences had sounded from what he knew. How different she seemed from the Ginny he knew. A sick feeling began to pool in his stomach and he quickly pushed those thoughts away. _There is no use dwelling on that! Ginny is back and that is all that matters!_ "But she's basically the same person so it counts as saving her!" Harry concluded somewhat desperately.

Hedwig inclined her head in a manner he had learned from their many previous conversations meant that she wanted him to continue.

"Well I… I'm so relieved that she's back." Harry gave Hedwig a shaky smile. "I mean, I missed her so much! These last few weeks… well you know what I've been like." Hedwig bobbed her head and patted his arm with her wing. Harry smiled again but then gave a heavy sigh. "But just when I thought things were going to be okay again everything fell apart. She hates me! I don't even know what I did wrong. I knew that I couldn't expect too much right away but I figured we could start out as friends and then, given time, she would fall in love with me again. So I sat down with her to discuss things and one minute we were talking and everything seemed to be going fine and the next thing I knew, Snape showed up dressed like… well anyway Ginny lost it and stormed off." Harry concluded and slouched dejectedly against the wall. "What am I going to do Hedwig? Do you think I have a chance of winning her back?"

Hedwig gave another head bob and then flapped her wings in what he assumed was meant as a gesture on encouragement. He imagined she was telling him to "just be himself" but he didn't feel very optimistic about this approach.

"I think I'll need to do something special to fix this." Harry thought out loud. "I wish I knew what would make Ginny happy, but I just can't understand how she's feeling." Hedwig cocked her head to the side for a moment as if in deep thought, then she hopped onto the window sill and made sweeping gesturing with her wing. Harry moved forward to open the window for her and then glanced down at his friend, a questioning look on his face.

"Where are you going to go?" he asked. Hedwig winked one of her eyes at him and Harry understood that she meant to help him with Ginny.

"Thank you Hedwig, you're a true friend… but what are you going to do?"

Without answering him Hedwig suddenly took flight and soared around the side of the tower and out of sight.

* * *

><p>Sailing through the sky Hedwig kept an eye out on the ground below for Ginny. Being that she wasn't a real owl, Hedwig's vision during the day was just as strong as it was at night and she quickly spotted the young woman seated on a stone bench by the lake, speaking with two of her brothers.<p>

Hedwig circled above the three as she thought out her next move. She wanted Harry to be happy more than anything and while it still hurt to think that Harry would never return her feelings she felt it was fitting that as part of her penance she should do what she could to help him win Ginny's heart. The only problem was how to go about it? She couldn't imagine that Ginny would be eager to talk to her, even if she could find away to make herself understood to the girl. Discovering what Ginny was feeling was going to be difficult. So was reporting back whatever she found out to Harry, mind you, but she would cross that bridge when she came to it.

_Perhaps I'll just observe things for a little while_. Hedwig decided. Using a quick spell to disguise her presence Hedwig glided down to perch on a nearby tree where she could over hear the others conversation.

* * *

><p>"For the last time we're sorry!" Fred exclaimed in exasperation. "We only helped Snape in the first place because we thought it would be better for you if he looked more distinct."<p>

"I know, okay!" Ginny snapped. Then she took a deep breath and tried to calm herself down. "Look, I know you both were trying to help but it's still my body and it was just really disturbing to see someone else making themselves at home in it. Even if I know that that person has no choice but to do so." Ginny held her head in her hands and rubbed at her eyes which were staring to tear up again. "I don't know guys. I've had to adjust to so much these past few days and I thought I was doing okay, but I guess I'm not. This whole situation is overwhelming." Fred and George glanced at each other awkwardly, clearly at a loss as to what to do or say to comfort her. Jokes were their strong suit, not sorting out feelings. Luckily they were saved from an uncomfortably emotional conversation by the sudden interruption of Ron who came running across the field toward them, shouting at the top of his lungs.

"YOU GUYS! It's awful! Have you heard what's happened?"

"Whoa there, Ron!" George stopped his brother from nearly barreling into him as Ron struggled to come to a sudden halt in front of them. "What are you shouting about?"

"It's Snape! He's had his hair done and he's walking around the school calling himself Selena Snape now!" Ron exclaimed, clearly distraught. Fred just rolled his eyes.

"Yes, Ron, we already know about that."

"Well have you heard what everyone's been saying? All the students are convinced that Snape and our mom had a secret affair and that Selena Snape is their love child!" Ron shrieked.

"Eeeewww!" Fred and George exclaimed in unison, both having gone pale. This was a truly unfortunate turn of events that they hadn't foreseen.

"I know!" Ron shouted. "I tried telling people the truth about what happened but they don't believe me! They think I'm trying to cover up the family secret!"

"This is… wow." George muttered.

"People have such filthy minds." Fred said sadly.

"I knew that makeover was going to cause problems." Ginny shook her head. Her poor mother! She hoped that wind of this would never get back to her parents.

"Okay, this is bad but we'll fix this!" George said hurriedly.

"Yeah. Don't worry about the rumors Ginny; we'll get everything straightened out." Fred declared with a forced smile that was probably meant to reassure her.

"C'mon, Ron." George started ushering his brother away. "We need to come up with a plan. We'll work this out, Ginny." He called over his shoulder to his sister as the three brothers started briskly walking in the direction of the castle.

Ginny watched them go a little sadly. They all seemed to have accepted her as their sister and were treating her as if she were the original Ginny. In Ron's case she suspected that this was because he really hadn't understood any of Dumbledore's convoluted explanation of alternate dimensions, but in the case of Fred and George she wondered if this was done out of consideration for her feelings or if they were simply trying to avoid dealing with the reality of their sister's death by pretending that everything was the same as before. _But I will never truly be their sister. I may share her body but I don't share the memories or feelings of this universe's Ginny. Those are gone forever. _

Ginny had come to love this peaceful world but she was staring to feel more and more displaced the more she interacted with people here, she couldn't help but wonder if they truly saw her for herself or if they were merely remembering the Ginny they had known.

"I wonder if this is how Professor Snape feels, too." Ginny had a sudden thought. Maybe that was why he'd wanted to alter his appearance? "I should apologize." Suddenly feeling ashamed for how she'd reacted the last time she saw the professor, Ginny stood up and started walking toward the castle.

* * *

><p>Professor Snape was standing at the front gates of Hogwarts impatiently tapping his left foot. After wondering for the last few days where the Headmaster had got off to, Snape had suddenly received a message from Dumbledore, saying he was returning to Hogwarts and that Snape was to meet him there.<p>

"It must be nice to be able to take off whenever you want to with no explanations." Snape muttered to himself. "Never mind that there's a girl from an alternate dimension and a stupid magic owl wandering around the school unsupervised, or that one of your staff members suddenly had an unwelcome sex change! No, none of those are grounds for concern for Albus Dumbledore! Just pop off for a quick sabbatical and let things sort themselves out, why don't you?" Snape bitterly raged at the flightiness of his boss.

He was in a really foul mood, not only because Dumbledore was making him wait out here, but that on top of everything else he hadn't had a moment's peace all afternoon! Previously Snape had thought that accepting the fact that he now inhabited a female body was going to be the most difficult challenge he would ever have to face, but now he was starting to realize that adjusting to being attractive was going to be a much greater test! In the short hours since his goddamn makeover at the hands of the Weasley brats, Snape had been constantly annoyed with people trying to talk to him; people asking if he needed help with anything, if they could help him carry things or give him directions. Some people had even just spoke with him to comment on the weather or some other inane thing! As if Snape cared about whatever garbage was on their minds!

This situation was wholly new and unpleasant for Snape. No one had ever tried to strike up conversations with him out of the blue like this before. And it wasn't just the male students that were showing interest in him. Being pretty apparently meant everyone wanted to be nice to him, and quite a few girls had tried talking to him as well. It had only been one afternoon and Snape already felt exhausted by all of the tedious social interactions.

"Professor Snape!" Snape winced at this unwelcome intrusion on his inner ranting and watched as Ginny Weasley came trotting up to him.

"What is it, Miss Weasley?" Snape asked in annoyance.

"Look, Professor, I wanted to apologize for what happened earlier. I know I reacted badly - this is your body now and you can do whatever you want with it. I'm sorry that I freaked out."

"Yes, well… It doesn't really matter." Snape muttered, graciously, in his opinion, accepting her apology. He had assumed that having said her piece and with his acknowledgment of her apology that Ginny would leave, but unfortunately the girl continued standing there and, unthinkably, kept talking.

"Professor, how are you coping with all this? I feel like my life has been turned upside down! Everything is so different and even though everyone is being so nice to me, I often feel out of place. Do you feel that way too?"

"Uhhh… Well I certainly have had a lot to adjust to." Snape said something vague and uncomfortably shifted from foot to foot. _Why for the love of Merlin is she talking to me about this? _

"Do you think it will get better? I worry that everyone expects me to be the same as the old Ginny!"

"Ummm… Look I don't think I'm the best person to be-"

CRACK!

Snape whirled around at the sound of two wizards disapparating a short distance away, but then relaxed when he saw that one of them was Dumbledore. Technically people shouldn't be able to disapparate on school grounds but, as the Headmaster was fond of reminding him, this rule didn't apply to the Headmaster.

"Good evening, sir. I trust you had a pleasant trip." Snape said with only a hint of acid in his voice.

"Ah, Severus, good to see you! I can see that you're adjusting wonderfully to your new body. That is a lovely hair style." Snape's only response to this was to grimace. "And Miss Weasley, how are you this fine evening?" Dumbledore smiled at his student. "I trust that you are beginning to feel more at home?" Ginny hesitated.

"Well, uh…Things are okay I guess." She glanced uncertainly at Dumbledore's companion, not wanting to open up in front of a stranger.

"Capital! Oh, but I am being rude! Please allow me the pleasure of introducing you." Dumbldore turned to the tall man that had apparently traveled with him.

"This is Rhombus Dumbledore, my brother."

"What?" Snape glanced at Dumbledore's companion in surprise, and the man smiled and gave a hearty "How do you do?"

Rhombus Dumbledore was a tall stately looking make with gray hair and short, neatly trimmed beard. It was hard to guess his age but Snape would wager at him being younger than Dumbledore based on the fact that he had less wrinkles lining his face. Upon closer inspection, Snape could indeed detect a family resemblance and he noted that their eyes were the same color, though Rhombus' lacked the same liveliness of his brother's.

"I… forgive me sir, but I wasn't aware that you had a brother." Snape said quickly once he recovered from the initial shock. Dumbledore's face suddenly darkened.

"Yes, you wouldn't have known. After all I myself thought him to be dead until recently. I only just received word that he might be alive, thus my sudden and unexplained absence these past few days. I can't tell you what a shock it was to discover my brother alive and well after all these years. I still can't believe that you survived, Rhombus! Whenever I think back on that dark day when…" The Headmaster's voice was suddenly choked with emotion and tears began to stream down his cheeks as he apparently remembered the events that had led to the brothers being separated. Incredibly curious, Snape had to bite his tongue to keep himself from demanding that Dumbledore finish his explanation.

Rhombus stepped forward and put a hand on his brother's shoulder.

"Come, Albus, let us not dwell on the past. It will do no good. Let us instead look to the future; we have much lost time to make up for!"

"Yes, of course, Rhombus." Dumbledore recovered himself. "Come let me show you to my study, we have much to talk about! Good evening Severus, Miss Weasley." Dumbledore strode off into the castle followed by Rhombus, and Snape watched them go in confusion and annoyance.

"Wow. Well that's wonderful for the Headmaster." Ginny commented brightly.

SKREEE!

Snape winced at he now familiar cry and turned around to see Hedwig perched on the wall, flapping her wings frantically.

"Just when I thought that this day couldn't get any worse." He muttered.

"Oh!" Ginny exclaimed at the owl's sudden appearance. "Is that Hedwig?" she asked, having only heard of but not having seen the owl up until this point.

"Yes. And what exactly do you want now?" Snape demanded, crossing his arms over his chest in displeasure. Hedwig continued to screech and flap her wings at him madly, but incoherently. Snape frowned at her wild behavior, having never seen Hedwig act so upset.

"What… what does she want?" Ginny demanded, not trusting the owl after everything she'd heard.

"I don't know." Snape muttered as he continued to stare at Hedwig. The owl's eyes, he realized, looked terrified. "I suppose we had better find out."

* * *

><p>Snape took Hedwig back to his lab so that he could make another potion to communicate with her. Ginny had followed along uncertainly, as she was too curious to see what was going on to leave despite feeling uncomfortable around Hedwig. The owl hadn't stopped fidgeting the entire journey and now sat perched on his work bench, hooting urgently as he put the finishing touches on the potion.<p>

"Quit your pestering." Snape muttered and downed the potion in one gulp. "There! Now what was so damned important!"

"It's him!" Hedwig cried, her voice full of panic.

"Who's what?" Snape demanded in confusion.

"That man that the Headmaster called his brother! He's the wizard that put the curse on me!"

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Aside<strong>

**Blonde One: Dun Dun Dun! Now how's that for drama?**

**Tomato Face: I dunno...can you really call a character named Rhombus "dramatic"? How about mathematical, or polygonal? ...or special...**

**Blonde One: Huh! Special enough to ruin an entire race of owl people by cursing their princess! And to be Dumbledore's long-lost brother!  
><strong>

**Tomato Face: And what's this rubbish about making Ginny a sympathetic character?**

**Blonde One: Don't you mean, "Ginny and Harry?"**

**Tomato Face: I meant what I said.**

**Blonde One: Hey, don't get all bitter just because you lack the empathy, nay, common decency to see the hurt and pain that can be held in the tender, fragile human heart!**

**Tomato Face: I'M VERY SENSITIVE ABOUT MY PSYCHOPATHY AND YOU KNOW THAT! **

**Blonde One: Whatever. I got the momentum going again, just try not to drop the ball this time, okay?**

**Tomato Face: Oh, I'll drop the ball all right! RIGHT INTO THE WARP CORE CAUSING A SPACE-TIME DISRUPTION THAT WILL END LIFE ITSELF!**

**Blonde One: ...I don't think we have a card for that.**

**Tomato Face: *panting hysterically* Yet! But no, I'm not playing a card this round.**

Will Tomato Face be able to keep the story going? Will Blonde One stop teasing her about her 'condition'? Will Harry and Ginny get to keep their new-found humanity? Stay tuned to find out!**  
><strong>


	9. Round 8: Inconsistencies

**Round 8: Inconsistencies**

"Once long, long ago there lived a young man who, while of no poor birth, was certainly also not of blue blood. One of the few in a newly-created merchant class, he belonged to a house somewhat more dignified than a peasant's hovel. His family owned a fair stretch of land upon which they had planted an orchard and a vineyard, aside from their private garden. They grew grapes of three varieties, peaches, golden pears, and ruby apples. While the young man was a man of letters, he was obligated to help with the harvest every year because his elder brother had left many years ago to distant lands and the family had not the wealth to hire any extra hands.

It could be said that such work was below one of his station, but truthfully the young man loved nothing more than spending time in the orchard. He counted the passage of the seasons by the trees and vines – the flowers and heavy perfumes of spring, the lush green and rich smells of summer, the fire-coloured foliage of autumn, and the still clean white of winter.

As the young man reached a marriageable age, he began to overhear whispers among his parents and the workers of arrangements for a bride. Upset at this, he spent many evenings in the fall laying out in the orchard, watching glowing fireflies weaving lazily around the fleshy peaches, gold pears, and ruby apples against the dark blue sky. Marriage was a difficult proposition for him, since a peasant would be below him and nobleman's daughter far too above him. Fearing for the future of their land, his parents began to meet with merchants from distant lands.

But the young man resented the prospect of an arranged marriage, as he was a romantic at heart.

One night in the early autumn, he fell asleep while he lay outside. Though not aware of how long, he awoke sometime later to the sound of a soft rustling. Sitting up slowly, he caught sight of a human form in the moonlight some distance away. The being seemed to be plucking the ripe fruit from the trees and delicately eating it. As it drifted closer to the tree he leaned against, he could see that it was a young woman. Her skin was smooth and milky white and she had long, flowing blonde locks that covered the indecency of her nakedness. Bathed in the moonlight and surrounded by fireflies, she glowed with an almost ethereal light as she ate the fruit.

Stunned by her beauty, the young man watched in enchantment as she consumed his family's fruit with an inhuman appetite.

Suddenly, the two were startled out of that intimate scene by hoarse calls of the young man's family. Since he had failed to return, they had gone out in search of him. Surprised, the young man and the woman looked in the direction of the calls. Shaken out of his silence, the young man turned his gaze back to where the young woman had been standing, only to find that she had vanished. His fears that she had been a ghost or some other unholy illusion were put at ease when he spied a half-eaten apple lying neglected in the grass. Returning to his house, he found his mind wholly preoccupied with thoughts of the ethereal visitor to his family's orchard.

In the following evenings, the young man would steal from the house in the late hours into the orchard in hopes of seeing the young woman again. While most nights he spied her, he would find himself struck dumb by her beauty and would watch her in endless fascination. Somehow, though, she would always disappear before the dawn and no matter how many times he watched her, he would never find any clue as to how she could so suddenly vanish.

But the girl's monstrous appetite took its toll, and very few fruits were ripe long enough to be picked.

By mid-autumn, the young man was abruptly informed that a suitable match had been found for him and that he was to be married within the week. He was loathe to be married to a woman he had never laid eyes on, and for the first time that evening when he spied the strange woman in the orchard, he spoke to her.

'Madame, forgive me, but I beg to ask why you are eating the fruit of my family's orchard and going about in such a naked state.'

The young woman spun to face him, her blue eyes wide in terror. Clutching a gem-like apple to her naked breast, she shied away from him.

'Please, I mean no harm!' He sought to ease her alarm.

'I am not to be seen!' Her voice was soft, hesitant, and musical.

'Where do you hail from? Why do you frequent this orchard, which is so dear to me? Have you any family?'

His questions seemed to further agitate her unease, until she had backed away from him into a clearing where she was bathed in full moonlight.

'Wait!' He called out furtively.

Closing her eyes briefly, they opened again a bright, shining yellow. Stopping in alarm, he watched as her hair turned snowy white and wrapped around her body, becoming a pair of wings. Feathers sprouted on her body and she changed into the form of an owl. With barely a moment's hesitation, she took flight away from the orchard as fast as she could.

'She's…an owl?'

He never saw her again after that night, although the fruit was still disappearing from the orchard at an alarming rate. Within the week, he was married to the daughter of a merchant who came to live with him in his home. While kind and reasonably fair, the young man grieved at their union, as he did not love her. As the owl maiden continued to devour their orchard and vineyard, the young man's family and new wife despaired that they were being driven nearer and nearer to poverty.

The young man had told no one of the owl maiden and his family was quite at a loss. Although he had restrained himself for quite some time, he decided to use his magicks to find her. Cautiously, as many of the help and his new wife were muggles, he cast an incantation and was able to locate the owl maiden. Sneaking up on her, she was none the wiser that he was watching her until he suddenly approached her.

'You, owl maid!' He walked swiftly toward her.

Her eyes wide with fright, she took to run away.

'Don't run!' He snapped harshly.

Although there were no magicks in these words, she shuddered and obeyed as if there were another power to them.

'I have kept quiet about your nighttime activities and patiently waited for an end to them, but I find instead that you are ruining my family. Why? Have we caused you some wrong?' He desperately sought an explanation.

'Please, sir, I mean you and your family no harm.' She responded in her musical voice. 'I consume your orchard for my people. The fruits here are second to none and feed the powers I require to defend my own from those who would harm them.'

'Do you not understand that you harm me and my own in doing so?' The young man searched her face for a sign of pity.

'Though you plant and tend to the trees in your orchard, the laws of beasts do not recognize or bow to the laws of man. I am the last surviving nobility of my people and am duty-bound to save them at any cost, even if it were to violate your law. I am truly sorry for the suffering I cause your family, but the suffering I shall endure is far greater.'

'I have been patient and endured your pestilence for far longer than any reasonable man would have. And what I get in return is insolence.' He spat. 'Very well. Do what you must to protect yours, and I will do what I must to protect mine!'

He held his wand out.

'Please, sir. Spare me and let me consume your orchard this year. Do this, and I will repay the favor in kind.' She pleaded.

'I know of your ways, owl. You bewitch humans with pleasing shapes and empty promises to meet your own ends, all the while valuing no one but yourselves.' He narrowed his eyes.

'The same can be said of humans.' Her face was serene as she offered this retort.

'Then we must do everything we can to maintain our advantage.' He said coldly.

The owl maiden's face turned ashen grey with realization and he raised his wand high above his head. Her face suddenly turned fierce.

'Should you do anything rash, I shall make my name known to you so that you can curse it aloud when I visit misfortune upon you and all you love!" Her voice was tinged with the screech of an owl in her anger.

'I have no intention of killing you.' His smile was grim.

As he cast his spell, the owl maiden fell to the ground with a horrific screech. Tripping over her own mangled form in a forced transformation, the disoriented beast could do nothing to defend herself as she reverted to her true body. Exhausted and panting heavily, she looked up at the young man with wild, yellow eyes.

'You are now sealed in your owl's body. While you could consume the fruit of my orchard, I doubt it is of any use to you now. I suggest you busy yourself catching mice and other vermin fit for you to eat." He sneered at her, and spun around to return to his home.

The furious owl flew away shortly thereafter.

The next morning, the young man found to his joy that the fruits were untouched. No longer was his sanctuary under threat by such a vile beast.

Only days later when the harvest had begun, a terrified helper ran screaming to the young man. Unable to speak from fear, he lead the young man to the tree he had confronted the owl maiden at, shaking all the way. The young man demanded to know what had so frightened the helper, who could only point in response.

Carved into the tree with jagged slashes was the message,

'KNOW MY NAME AND FEAR IT. I AM.'

I can only assume that she was interrupted as she was carving it."

Dumbledore raised an eyebrow as Rhombus sat back in his chair, sipping his cup of earl grey tea that had all but become tepid during the course of his elaborate story. The two were sitting in Dumbledore's office, where they had retired to after running into Snape and Ginny. There had been a lot of questions on Dumbledore's mind, and instead of answering them directly, Rhombus had launched into an insane fairy tale-like vignette.

"Really, Rhombus, did you have to imply that your untimely marriage and whatnot were _my_ fault? Why do you think I left home so early?" He gave a half smile.

"It was more of a point of contention for me years ago, but not so much now. I assure you that my tale – fanciful though it may seem – is true!" He insisted.

"You mean to tell me that you cursed a previously unknown and, to be frank unheard of, magical creature and ruined any chance that we could learn something from it because-"

"It was eating my orchard. Yes. Fucking owl just ate everything." Rhombus said distastefully.

Dumbledore made a face at this weighty profanity, but decided not to make an issue of it.

"And you don't even know the half of it!" Rhombus continued. "She certainly lived up to her promise. Made my life a living hell. Had she a name, I would have cursed it. Her minions would capture and release vermin on our property and attack our hired help. They were all driven away by owl attack! As you well remember, father wound up with a heart attack from the stress and mother died shortly after of grief. My faithful Charlotte left me after being mauled. Were she a muggle, she would have had those deep, raking scars for life. I was left alone and watched as the vineyard and orchard that I so treasured wasted away to ruin."

"They were rather lovely, weren't they?" Dumbledore got a far off look in his eyes. "I saw them recently. Dead and barren, as I recall."

Rhombus shook his head. "Not anymore. It's being paved over and a finishing school for muggle ladies is being constructed." He gave a bitter laugh. "A lost cause where those dogs are concerned."

"You'd do well, Rhombus," Dumbledore fiercely and coldly eyed his brother, "to remember that they are human, just as we are."

"Of course." Rhombus gave a superficial nod of apology, and held his tongue from adding 'nothing like those house elves'.

"While I am surprised and happy to see that you are alive, Rhombus. After…after hearing that you were in dire straits I rushed to our home as fast as I could. I saw you jump off that cliff and I saw the note. We looked for the body, but I suppose this explains why there wasn't one. You did a masterful job staging your own death. I was caught off guard completely when I finally found you – I couldn't believe it could be true. I thought I had moved past everything that happened…" He took a breath to steady himself, getting emotional at the painful memories Rhombus' appearance was bringing up. "But I know that my finding you was no accident, that you orchestrated it. You're a clever man, Rhombus, and I know that you were found precisely because you wanted to be found. And so I can't help but wonder what brings you here after all these years." Dumbledore carefully worded this statement, not wanting to give away too much now that he knew his brother was alive.

When Rhombus was hidden, he was at his most dangerous. Dumbledore would rather he were able to keep tabs on his dear little brother.

"Yes, I must express my regret at failing to contact you sooner. I had amnesia or some shit like that," he prefaced unconvincingly, "but the reason I have come is that I believe I have found the owl maiden who ruined my life."

"I'm sorry?" Dumbledore had been toying with the idea that Rhombus was tripping balls on acid or something.

"She's right here! In Hogwarts." He offered more details.

"One of the students? I can assure you that every student at Hogwarts has parents. Well, except for Mr. Potter." Dumbledore was taken aback.

"No, Albus, one of the student's _owl_." Rhombus leaned forward. "And, ironically enough, Potter's owl."

"Hedwig?" Dumbledore was surprised, to say the least.

"So that's her name…" He mused. "Did you not notice her surprising intelligence? Did you not wonder why she should be so smart and loyal to the boy? She is no mere owl!" Rhombus was starting to sound like a bad fantasy novel. He tended to do that when he got excited.

"Knowing this, what are your intentions?" Dumbledore seemed outwardly calm, but was shrewdly watching Rhombus for any signs of mal intent or betrayal.

"I don't know yet." Rhombus shrugged. "I'll admit that I was quite taken with her human form, but I'm furious for the ruinous effect she had on my life and everything I held dear. I don't know how I will react to speaking with her, but obviously I would not be here if I didn't wish to do so."

"This is true."

"And I would not dream of encroaching on your school without first consulting with you." Rhombus seemed to be speaking humbly, but Dumbledore knew it was out of fear of the headmaster's power and sphere of influence.

Dumbledore folded his hands on top of his desk.

"It seems that both you and I need some time to think about this." He said at length. "I must know what you intend so that I may consider what I will allow."

"Of course." Rhombus nodded.

"If you need some time, you may stay on the school grounds in the staff living quarters." He offered.

"Thank you, you are most kind." Rhombus stood, prepared to follow the house elves that had appeared.

"But be warned," Dumbledore cautioned as Rhombus turned his back to his older brother, "that you may not see or speak to Hedwig or any of the students before you have made your request and I have made my decision. If myself or any of the creatures of Hogwarts catch you anywhere near the rookery, I shall have you cast out into a Ministry investigation of just where you were during your mysterious disappearance."

Rhombus turned around, "What possible allegations could there be?" He spread his arms wide in innocence.

"I have my suspicions." Dumbledore betrayed all he was willing. "Good evening, Rhombus."

"Good evening, Albus."

* * *

><p>"What is she saying?" Ginny leaned in close, not able to understand the mad hooting and flapping of Hedwig. Although her nun's habit flopping about on her head was most comical.<p>

Snape decided that it would save her trouble in the long run and quickly brewed up a potion for Ginny as well, all the while asking Hedwig to be patient as though she were a crazy person.

Ginny drank the potion and made a face, almost certain that Snape had added the various insect parts out of spite instead of necessity.

"Can we talk about it _now_?" Hedwig barked impatiently.

"Good gracious! I've never heard of an owl capable of intelligent thought!" Ginny exclaimed in disbelief.

"I've seen nothing to lead me to believe such a thing is possible." Snape looked down her nose at Hedwig through half-closed eyes.

"That man! Dumbledore's long lost brother is him! He's the one who took away my ability to become human." Hedwig repeated herself.

"I fail to see how this affects anyone present but yourself." Snape said off-handedly.

"I know that you don't care much about me, Severus, even before I…you know, ruined your life."

"That's Selena. And professor to you." Snape sat down impatiently, crossing her legs.

"But this _does_ effect more than just me! That man is evil."

"How? What did he do?" Ginny blurted out before thinking. Being from the badass universe, following convoluted mysteries was not her strong suit.

"You mean other than cursing me?" Hedwig rolled her eyes.

Ginny's face flushed and she looked to the ground.

"Sorry, that wasn't your fault." Hedwig shuffled her wings. "Yes I have personal reasons for being concerned with that man's appearance, and those reasons include my being forced to remain an owl and to watch my people suffer. But there's more at play here. We were watching him for some time and let's just say that there were some rather shady and unsavory characters paying him visits before he faked his own death. I thought he had perished as well. It seems I was fooled."

"When you say unsavory characters," Snape prompted her.

"No one you would know now. The Dumbledore brothers have an unusually long lifespan. Although you might know some of their children, like Lucius Malfoy."

"Ah." Snape looked pensive.

"What significance does that have?" Ginny ventured.

"I believe the owl means to imply that many of Rhombus' visitors were of old, pure blood families who favored plutocratic rule and harsh treatment of muggles and muggle-born. In other words, the sires of those whose children would later become death eaters." Snape folded her arms across her chest, letting each finger fall slowly like a predatory spider's legs.

"Indeed." Hedwig bobbed her head up and down. "And I find that man – Rhombus, did you say? I find his disappearance suspicious. What was he doing in that time? I have no doubt that it was not good."

"Regardless of that, why should we believe you that he's up to no good now?" Snape was tired to listening to her inane prattle.

"Because if he has been involved in the activities I believe and has maintained the connections I think he has, he might have ties to the Dark Lord."

Snape went uncharacteristically silent at this, almost as though something had just clicked into place. She shook out of her reverie and stood up abruptly, pacing.

"I shall say that things seem to perhaps indicate your suspicions may be on the right track, as the circumstances surrounding my death involved my attempts to discover Voldemort's uncanny knowledge of things he should not have known. We suspected a shadow right hand man, a wraith-like informant if you will. Could it be that it is the Headmaster's long lost brother?" Snape pensively did the invisible beard stroke, failing to feel the familiar stubble that would accompany it by day's end. "Or it could be that you are manipulating me and the two are unconnected in your selfish quest for owl revenge."

"What?" Hedwig puffed up in outrage. "Why would I-?

"If you can convince me, I'll reconsider. In the meantime, I intend to do nothing further." Snape said decisively, then spun on her heel and walked briskly from the room.

"I, uh, I was in the middle of a conversation with him…so I'll just…go now." Ginny awkwardly followed in Professor Snape's wake.

"Stubborn ass." Hedwig muttered distastefully.

* * *

><p>"Professor, please. I just want to speak with you." Ginny pleaded, trotting after her.<p>

She was inwardly surprised; although she and Snape shared the same physical build, the professor was certainly a lot more accustomed to brisk tantrum walks.

Snape stopped suddenly.

"Very well, Miss Weasley. I will speak with you under the condition that you do not bother me again after our conversation." She made an awful lot of allowances for this troubling Weasley girl. "While we are in similar situations, I have no desire to play mentor to you. I have my own menstruation-laden life to attend to."

"I'm just really struggling."

"You mentioned that." Snape said dryly.

"But it's like I'm in a completely different culture here! Puzzles, mysteries, whimsy? My world is completely different! Ever since I can remember it was a dark and dangerous place." Ginny chewed her lower lip. "Everyone there is wound so tight – coming here…it's almost impossible to adjust to! Everyone here is so relaxed."

Snape almost seemed frozen in a pensive pose for a moment, her hand over her mouth as she thought.

"Go on." She said at length.

Ginny took a deep breath.

"I'm completely different than whoever this Ginny must have been! Everyone treats me in a way I'm not used to and when I don't act the way they expect, they freak out. I'm frustrated and trying my best, but it's like it isn't good enough. And I'm furious with how this universe is attempting to deal with the Dark Lord! It's like hardly anything is being done! You've sent aurors and spies after him and that's it. In my world, Britain is like a war zone and we're fighting for our beliefs and our lives!" Ginny's eyes were shining with intensity. "And Harry, the one who is most able to save us, is some kind of pansy girl man here!"

Snape bit back a smile, not wanting to reinforce any of Ginny's mentor-seeking behaviors. "It would seem, then, that our universe falls short of your standards." She offered a neutral comment.

"Yes." Ginny sighed. "I get mad at everyone here and have to remember that it's a different world. I have to remember that I'm the one who doesn't fit. It's a horrible feeling."

"Miss Weasley, I have some suspicions at the moment. Although it pains me horrifically to do drag out this dialogue between us, I must talk to some people before I can reach a conclusion."

"What do you mean?" Ginny stared after Snape in disbelief as she walked off with purposeful steps.

"There is an inconsistency with your story." She answered flippantly.

"But I've told you the truth!" Ginny protested.

"Be patient, Miss Weasley. I believe what you've said to me. I must go speak with the Headmaster. In the meantime, perhaps you should entertain the notion of altering this universe to something more of your liking. Like my current form, it's yours now. Summon your wretched brothers and give it a makeover."

Ginny watched her stalk off, completely at a loss and then gave a faint smile.

"_Carpe diem_." She muttered, and went to go find Hermione.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Aside<strong>

**Tomato Face: So...I can't help but notice Snape changes gender between the two of us.**

**Blonde One: What do you mean?**

**Tomato Face: Well...I can't help but feel like I kind of established Snape becoming comfortable with his new female sex in my previous chapter and then you continually referred to him as "he" in your update thus negating my beautiful transformation.**

**Blonde One: Meh. I didn't want to deal with that crap. Besides, he's still a man inside.**

**Tomato Face: But the beauty!**

**Blonde One: I would hardly call slutifying him a 'beautiful transformation'. **

**Tomato Face: Harumph!  
><strong>

**Blonde One: Anyway, the readers can decide for themselves whether to think of him as a man or a woman now. I'm not changing how I write.**

**Tomato Face: I'm not either. So I guess he's both depending on how he feels that day.**

**Blonde One: Sounds good. Moving on to more relevant things, your fairy tale intro was cute, although somewhat abrupt.**

**Tomato Face: Just wanted to shake things up a little! Can't get too comfortable in the narrative, now, can we?**

**Blonde One: Well, we can't buck the readers off, either. Maybe you should remember that.**

**Tomato Face: I *guess*. Plebeian. **

**Blonde One: Well, anyway, we've got an interesting mystery started now: what was the inconsistency Snape cued on? Stay tuned to find out!**

**Tomato Face: You're not playing a card?**

**Blonde One: Nope!**

**Tomato Face: But I want to win!**

**Blonde One: I was under the impression that this wasn't a contest.**

**Tomato Face: To lure you into a false sense of security.**

**Blonde One: Right! So, see you all next week.**

**Tomato Face: Bye bye!**


	10. Round 9: The Trouble with Time Travel

**Round 9: The Trouble with Time Travel**

"Well these are all the books I could find on the rise to power and eventual demise of 'You know who.'" Hermione slammed a massive pile of books onto the library table, sending up a small cloud of dust. Ginny was impressed at her upper body strength for being able to lift them all as if it were nothing. "Next I'll find you some recent newspaper articles on his current activities." Hermione offered.

"Thanks Hermione I appreciate your help." Ginny smiled. "I had no idea where to start with all this."

"No problem, but why the sudden interest in the history of the Dark Lord?" Hermione asked curiously as she pulled out a seat at the table and began to organize the pile of tomes into smaller ones categorized by author and publishing date.

"I wanted to be more proactive and find out as much as I can about this world." Ginny explained. She picked up the nearest book and flipped it open. It was a leather bound book entitled the "The Riddle Rein of Terror" and appeared to extensively detail the many atrocities committed by Death Eaters during the height of Voldemort's influence. Skimming over the table of contents, Ginny felt that it all sounded rather trite.

"I think that's a great attitude, and who knows, with your unique perspective and knowledge of the incarnation of Voldemort from your world you may have some valuable insight to offer on the current state of affairs." Hermione encouraged her. Ron had given Hermione a brief and fractured account of the body switching and time travel and she had pieced together the rest of the story on her own.

"That would be great." Ginny sighed. "But I'd settle for just being able to feel a little less lost here."

"Hey, it will get better." Hermione placed a hand on her shoulder and gave her a comforting smile. "And if there is anything that I can do to help you, just ask." Ginny smiled back, feeling a little better.

"Actually, since you offered, there was a little research project that I was hoping you would help me with." Hermione's eyes lit up at the mention of research and she immediately chimed in a "Of course"

"Great." Ginny turned her chair to face Hermione and fixed her with a serious expression. "First, have you ever heard of a wizard by the name of Rhombus Dumbledore?" Hermoine met her gaze with a thoughtful look as she gave her reply.

"Before this morning I would have told you no, however I heard a rumor that Dumbledore has a younger brother by that name who was presumed dead many years ago. Interestingly enough this turned out not to be the case and he has recently resurfaced, and he is currently staying at Hogwarts." Hermione neatly surmised. Ginny nodded in confirmation, not the least bit surprised that the rumors regarding Rhombus had spread to the general student body so fast. Even in her universe the portraits of the castle had been horrible gossips and no secret was safe for long at Hogwarts, especially not juicy ones like mysterious long lost brothers returned to life.

"Well the rumors are completely true, and what's more, I've heard some reports that suggest that this brother may not be all that he seems. I wanted to know if you could dig up so more information on him for me."

"Well there's nothing to be found through official channels." Hermione quickly dashed her hopes. "I was curious myself when I heard the news and tried doing some background research but the only mentions I found of Rhombus were a marriage announcement to a Charlotte A. Hopplesnapple in the Wizarding Society papers and a news report in the Daily Prophet after he seemingly leapt to his death. This was followed by an obituary, though they obviously never did find the body." Ginny bit her lip in frustration. That couldn't be the only records that existed of Rhombus' life! Hedwig had seemed so certain that this man had connections to Voldemort, and the more Ginny had thought about it the more suspicious this man's sudden reappearance seemed. There had to be more!

"What about unofficial channels?" Ginny asked out of hand and was startled when a sly smile crept across Hermione's face.

"Well you know I wouldn't know anything about something like that." Hermione said out loud whilst tapping the side of her nose in a conspiratory gesture and winking several times.

"Oh yes, of course." Ginny said quickly. She wasn't sure why Hermione felt the need for secrecy as the library was deserted and there weren't any portraits on the walls, as Madame Prince found them to be "too disruptive". Still she felt that it would be best to play along. Hermione smiled and then stood up from her chair.

"Well, anyway, I'll try asking around. See if anyone else knows anything." Hermione accompanied this proclamation with more comical winking and then headed toward the door. Ginny shook her head, not sure where Hermione intended to look for information, but glad that she had her help. If this Hermione was anything like the one she had known in her own universe, then she would stop at nothing until she uncovered the truth. Turning back to her book she began the tedious task of studying up on the Dark Lord of this universe while she waited for Hermione to return.

* * *

><p>Hedwig sat perched completely still in a tall oak tree on the school grounds, her body a pale lump standing out against the dark bark of the tree like a tumorous growth. She was intently watching the window to the room at the top of the tall spire where Rhombus was currently staying. She could occasionally catch a glimpse of the reviled wizard as he moved about his room, but she was too far away to see any details, even with her keen vision. Hedwig dared not get any closer, however, lest she give her position away.<p>

Rhombus was here at Hogwarts for some purpose of his own and until Hedwig found some clue as to what that was she didn't want to let him out of her sight. She bristled with anger as she recalled the day he had cursed her to this form. The man had been cold and pitiless in his punishment when she had refused to help him with his plans of world conquest. Even if no one would believe her, she knew that Rhombus was ruthless and conniving. He surely had his own dark purpose for being here, but whatever his plans she intended to ensure that he didn't succeed. She would stay vigilant and watch him in secret until he showed his hand. She had to ensure that, whatever Rhombus' plot, no harm came to Harry!

* * *

><p>Ginny and Hermione were once again meeting in the library, this time in a secluded corner where they could covertly pour over a file full of old and yellowed documents. Hermione had somehow managed to procure Rhombus' personal file from the Ministry of Magic. Upon seeing the almost manic look of triumph in Hermione's eyes when she had produced the information, Ginny had decided that it was best not to ask by what, no doubt illegal, means she had come by such information. She was instead grateful that the girl was willing to help her in her search.<p>

"Well the ministry sure is thorough. Look at all of these school records, they even have all of his attendance sheets!" Hermione said approvingly as she flipped through the sheets. "My, my! He had three tardy marks on his record! He must be a very arrogant person if he feels he can make others wait for him." Hermione said seriously as she made this arbitrary deduction.

"Does it say anything in those school records about him getting into fights? Or maybe about showing an interest in dark or forbidden magicks?" Ginny asked as she tried to glance over Hermione's shoulder at the documents.

"No, nothing about forbidden magicks… he did appear to have a great interest in folklore, though." Hermione offered.

"Oh." Ginny immediately lost interest in the school records and returned her attention to the medical records of the coroner who had examined Rhombus' parents after their rather strange deaths. Apparently Rhombus' father had suffered a very sudden heart attack and his wife followed him soon after from unknown causes. There had been some suspicions about whether or not their deaths were entirely natural but there had been no evidence found to suggest foul play and any further investigations had been subsequently halted. Despite the lack of any evidence to link Rhombus to the deaths Ginny was left feeling cold after reading the report.

"Hmmm, now this is interesting." Hermione piped up. Holding out what appeared to be a hand written letter on a decorative lilac colored scroll. "This was apparently written by a lady living in the village where the Dumbledore family estate and orchard was located. Listen to this." Hermione cleared he throat and then began to recite the contents of the letter which appeared to have been addressed to the lady's friend who had moved away from the village.

_My dearest Adelaide,_

_How I have missed you these past months, why there has been so much going on and I have had no one to discuss things with! You will not believe what has transpired! Just this morning I heard from the maid at the Dumbledore house that Mrs. Charlotte Dumbledore has left her husband! She must have run away in the middle of the night as no one was the wiser til this morning, when the maid went to clean the room and found that the bed hadn't been slept in and her mistress no where to be found. Charlotte must have been in an awful hurry as she left all her things. Everyone says that Charlotte is seeking a divorce because of the dreadful financial straights the family orchard and enchanted cider business has been going through, but personally I suspect that she has run off with that Turner lad who was fired from the orchard earlier this week. I haven't seen hide nor hair of him in days so it's likely they had this all planned out for awhile. You know I always thought that Mrs. Dumbledore possessed loose morals! Of course I can't say much for her husband, my but he has been strange since the deaths of his parents! We barely ever see him in the village anymore and when we do he barely speaks to anyone and behaves quite intolerably. Many of the servants have quit over his erratic behavior. I've heard rumors of strange visitors to the house and stranger still some people have reported spotting eerie lights coming from the orchard. People are starting to say that the he must be conducting illegal rituals out there. Do you suppose that the withering of the orchards is punishment from the earth for his ghastly experiments? Why it's almost too horrible to consider! Of course, despite all this the village girls are all in a tizzy that Rhombus is now single, as he is still quite a handsome man. _

_Speaking of handsome men, Mr. Poodersmitt has grown the most hideous moustache and I must tell you, Addie, that it has quite ruined his gorgeous face! At least now I don't feel quite so bad about his marrying that tramp, Pearl Snares. She has gotten quite fat, my dear. I used to think them quite ill suited, but now I think it is a fitting match…._

"The rest of the letter goes on like that." Hermione finished.

"I _knew_ there was something up with him!' Ginny crowed. "Dark experiments in the orchard? That's sinister stuff! By the sounds of it he probably offed his wife, too!"

"I don't know if we can conclude that based solely on this letter." Hermione interjected. "Small town gossip can get quite wild and might have little to no basis in fact. I will say that his wife running off without taking any of her things is quite suspicious. Some one else must have thought so, too, as there's some paperwork here stating that they were unable to find his estranged wife to settle his accounts after he was presumed dead. No one in the village knew where she went and this letter was the only hint of what might have happened. Looks like the Ministry assumed that Charlotte changed her name in order to start her new life with her lover."

"That or he killed her." Ginny stated doggedly, unwilling to give up on her theory.

"Why are you so sure that he is a criminal?" Hermione asked curiously.

"It's mostly just a feeling I have." Ginny had a hard time explaining her intuition, but she strongly believed that Rhombus was trouble. On some level he reminded her of the dark wizards of her own world. "Also I heard some interesting things about his past." Ginny quickly explained how Hedwig had accused Rhombus of having ties to families who had supported Voldemort, and that he had cursed her to her current owl body.

"Then was Hedwig originally a human?" Hermione marveled eyes wide as Ginny finished bringing her up to speed.

"I guess." Ginny said slowly, honestly having not given it much thought before now.

"It is more likely that she is a Strigiforma." a sleepy sounding voice suddenly pipped up from a nearby pile of books that they had previously ignored when they'd settled on this spot for their private conference. Hermione yelped as a form started to emerge from a gap in the heap, and Ginny instinctively pulled out her wand, holding it at the ready in case this intruder proved to be a threat. The blonde girl that emerged rubbing her tired blue eyes and yawning, however, was no other than Luna Lovegood. Ginny and Hermione immediately relaxed. They wouldn't be getting in trouble for illegally snooping through someone's private government file. After all, no one paid any attention to anything Luna said. No longer frightened, Hermione quickly switched to a state of indignation and fixed Luna with a steely glare.

"What are you talking about? And what on earth were you doing under there?" she demanded

"I was napping. The library is always nice and quiet and sleeping surrounded by books allows me to absorb the vestiges of the personal energy left behind by all the hundreds of students that have communed with the sources of knowledge over the years." Luna said matter of factually. "I was having quite a nice dream too before your conversation woke me up. It all sounds very interesting, especially this Hedwig. I believe that she must be one of the ancient shape-shifting owls known as the Strigiforma. They are a very reclusive and powerful race that few wizards have had the privilege of meeting. My grandfather was an anthropologist of magical societies, who devoted most of his career to the study of Strigiforma culture and traditions. He traveled to the countryside of Estickshire, not far from where Dumblsdore's home village is located as a matter of fact, and spent years living in the woods looking for the owl people so that he could study them. It was two years before he found them and it took another two for him to gain their trust and be allowed to observe their way. He wrote a fascinating memoir about his times there."

"Really." Hermione rolled her eyes. "And why haven't I ever heard of this book or of the Strigiforma for that matter?"

"Because in the end grandpappy decided that it was in the Strigiforma people's best interest that he never publish his work. You see, he discovered that they possessed a great deal of magical power and a rich tradition of fascinating spells and rituals that he felt could be very dangerous if the wrong people were ever to know about it. I read a copy of his book when I was younger and I must say that I agree with his decision."

"Rubbish." Hermione snorted quietly to herself but Ginny beamed at Luna.

"Do you still have a copy of this book Luna? I think that this may give us a clue as to why Hedwig was cursed! Maybe we'll get some insight into Rhombus as well!" Luna smiled back at her.

"My dad should have it back at home. I'll write him right away and asked him to send it."

"Thank you!" Ginny said enthusiastically. All of this research had been excruciating but it looked like it might actually pay off with some useful information.

* * *

><p>Headmaster Dumbldore whistled contentedly to himself as he exited the men's washroom and started back towards his office.<p>

"Good evening Headmaster." Snape suddenly stepped out from behind a statue of a dancing bear and planted himself directly in Dumbledore's path. "You're a hard man to get a hold of these days. I stopped by your office at least five times looking to speak with you and every time those gargoyles turned me away saying your schedule was 'too full to allow for any interruptions'." Snape made no effort to hide his annoyance at the Headmaster's obvious attempts to avoid him as he spoke. He had given up on the direct approach and had instead resorted to ambushing Dumbledore when the Headmaster left his study to use the lou. For his part Dumbledore took Snape's sudden appearance and venomous remarks in stride.

"Ah yes hello Severus, or should I say Selena? I'm glad to see that you have so thoroughly embraced your new life as a woman; however I'm afraid I am much too busy to chat. I have a long lost brother to catch up with and parent teacher conferences are coming up, you know." Albus made an attempt to brush past him, but Snape quickly fell into stride beside the headmaster, not about to let him get away now that he'd finally cornered the cagey old man.

"I quite understand, why don't I walk you back to your office and we can talk on the way? There are a few students I am concerned about and I wanted to discuss them with you."

"Certainly." Dumbldore declared as he power walked down the hallway. "What exactly has been troubling you?"

"Well, it's Miss Wysteria Wicklebot sir. She's a first year in my introductory potions class and she's quite the Hermione Granger wanna-be I am disgusted to say. It's sickening what a little know-it-all she thinks she is, always interrupting, and she doesn't even know a thing about potions!"

"I see. Well we were all young once." Dumbledore said airily.

"Quite, but that isn't what concerns me. Miss Wicklebot collapsed from exhaustion the other day. When I examined her course load I realized that she was trying to take both the first and second year course load at once and was enrolled in 20 classes, most of which fell in conflicting time slots. When I questioned her about it she showed me this!" Snape stepped out in front of the Headmaster and thrust out his fist which clutched a fine chain at the end of which dangled a whole and functional time turner.

"Ah." Dumbledore winced slightly as he glanced at the sparkling device.

"You know I thought it a little too convenient that the Ministry had apparently outlawed time travel right when you had decided to violate time laws and travel back in time and save Miss Weasley." Snape said coldly. "However I was too distraught at the time to question you. I was so upset that I didn't give much thought to your blathering explanation of Alternate World Theory either. That is, until Miss Weasley explained to me that she was having troubles adapting due to the fact that the reality she had known up until now is in a state of all-out war with the Dark Lord, and has been drastically different from our own world since before she was even born."

"Yes it's quite fascinating. Some innocuous choice as seemingly insignificant as 'what to have for breakfast?' could have been the catalyst that set that world down such a totally different path from our own." Dumbledore rambled. "All of the choices we make can have far-reaching consequences of which we are entirely unaware."

"Enough!" Snape suddenly snapped. "You lied to me! You said that you traveled back in time and brought Miss Weasley here so that it would be impossible for her to have her body switched with Hedwig. You stated that the fact that the switch was not undone, and that I remained trapped in this form was due to the existence of alternate realities and that you were prevented from trying to make any further changes due to the fact that all time turners were outlawed and destroyed by the Ministry! But none of that actually happened did it?" Snape didn't wait for Dumbledore to reply and continued his accusatory rant.

"Like you said before, in a fatalistic universe with only one possible future, Ginny Weasley can't ever be saved through time travel without creating a time paradox. After all, you would never travel back in time to save her if she had never died. Luckily, as you explained, the existence of alternate realities solves this problem. When Ginny Weasley is taken from the past into the future this would create a branching point for a new reality, one where instead of dying Ginny disappears one day. This reality would exist in tandem with our own reality, leaving our own timeline where Miss Weasley died intact." Snape finished his summary of the explanation that Dumbledore had given him days ago and took a deep breath. It did little to calm his rage and he fixed the headmaster with an accusatory glare.

"What you neglected to mention in your explanation is that **if** you had actually traveled back in time to retrieve Miss Weasley, then you would have created the alternate reality where Ginny suddenly disappears at the exact moment when you brought her back here. This would mean that, up until the point that the Ginny Weasley you brought back disappeared, she would have had all of the exact same experiences and memories as the original Ginny Weasley. She wouldn't have experienced the body switch, and depending on how far back in time you traveled to retrieve her, she might be missing a few days or weeks of experiences, but other than that she would be the same as the Ginny that died.

"Given that the Miss Weasley currently living among us has led a completely different life from the Ginny that we knew, and that time turners appear to still be legal and available to the public, I have to conclude that everything you told me was a lie. You never attempted to travel back in time to save Miss Weasley or my body. Admit it!" Snape panted as he finished his long and angry tirade.

Dumbledore stared at him with a carefully neutral expression and calmly replied, "Brilliant deduction. You are, of course, correct. I never tried to travel back along our timeline to save Miss Weasley. There are some things that one simply does not fuck with, and death is one of them. However the situation did provide me with a cover that allowed me to travel to a completely different reality from our own and bring back Miss Weasley with no one suspecting a thing." Snape gaped at the Headmaster's easy admission of this huge deception.

"But why? What does that accomplish?"

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Aside<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Blonde One: So for those of you who are concerned that I just undid Tomato Face's Time Travel card with this update, thus breaking the rules of the game, have no fear. The two of us discussed and agreed upon this plot development once it became clear that her inclusion of the 'Badass Universe' made no sense.<strong>

**Tomato Face: Excuse me! You're the one who wasn't making sense when you made it so that the new Ginny had never loved Harry!**

**Blonde One: Hey, you never said how far back in time Dumbledore traveled! If Ginny's feelings for Harry had been recent, then the Ginny that was brought back could have never developed them!**

**Tomato Face: But it's pretty much canon that - whatever! Can't you just admit that we both messed up?**

**Blonde One: … Fine! You know, this is why I said that time travel ruins everything. It's too damn complicated!**

**Tomato Face: Normally I'd retort with, "You mean too damn awesome!" but even MY head's spinning a bit - and I'm one of the two writing this thing! I do feel a little sorry for the readers, though. I'll bet they're happy that there was no time travel to worry about after all, and that this Ginny is just from the alternate Basass Universe! *starry eyes* I wish everyone was from the Badass Universe. You'll never get me to swear off time travel, though. It's too much fun. **

**Blonde One: *under her breath* Sadist.**

**Tomato Face: What?**

**Blonde One: So, are you playing a card?**

**Tomato Face: I'm sorry to say this, but no. **

**Blonde One: You don't win by holding onto your cards - we've been through this!**

**Tomato Face: My last card has limits! Using it is really hard. If I don't wait for the right time, it won't make any sense!**

**Blonde One: Dammit, I really want to know what your last card is!**

**Tomato Face: *sigh* I wish I had a different one, because I'm assuming we want to end this story sometime soon...**

**Blonde One: Well, beggars can't be choosers! I guess we'll just have to wait and see how this develops, then.**

**Tomato Face: Given that I'm writing it...probably not well.**

**Blonde One: *laughs* You said it, not me!**

**Tomato Face: D'oh!**

* * *

><p>Why did Dumbledore bring Badass Ginny to replace normal Ginny? What is Rhombus up to? What secret powers does Hedwig possess? Can Tomato Face come up with a satisfactory answer to any of these questions? Stay tuned to find out!<strong><br>**


	11. Round 10: The Rift

**Round 10: The Rift**

Harry was somewhat despondent. Not only had the new Ginny routinely rejected him, but now he felt like Hermione had as well. The two had been running a tandem research marathon for hours, and he had offered to help with his unique perspective along with Ron. Usually the three of them could accomplish anything together. But when he appeared with Ron in the library and had spoken with Hermione, she had cast a quick glance at Ginny, who tried to hide her discomfort. Hermione picked up on it and gave Harry and Ron some weak excuse about needing to teach Ginny to research for herself because she had never had to write papers in her universe.

"It's rubbish! You _know_ it is!" Harry sighed in frustration.

"It did seem a bit…conspiratory." Ron admitted, trying to be the calmer of the two.

"I just wanted to help! This is something that affects all of us and the more we can discover, the better."

"You don't have to tell me." Ron gave a bitter half-smile. "Sure, there's always been danger from You-Know-Who, but it never seemed so immediate until it caused everything in my family to go all wonky. Things haven't been the same since then, and I don't mean only with Ginny."

"It's completely changing everything." Harry agreed. "Although I suppose that can't be helped. I'm sure this new Ginny feels the same way, too."

"Hermione's been all dodgy with me lately." Ron admitted. "I thought we could trust each other and tell each other anything. I know when she acts like this she's up to something…legally questionable. She's got to realize that, whether she tells me or not, I'll still know." He shook his head. "Just feels kind of cold. Always dodging behind Ginny like that. She may be from another universe, but she's still my sister!"

"I miss that we can't help them. I miss being a team." Harry sat down.

"I know what you mean. But until they decide to let us help, we're just bashing our heads against the same wall. Best to just wait it out." Ron suggested.

"I just…I don't mean to sound childish, but I wish things could go back to the way they used to be." Harry confessed, nervous about saying it out loud.

Ron looked at him a moment as if deep in thought.

"Me too."

* * *

><p>Dumbledore shrugged under Snape's fierce glare.<p>

"I dunno. I was bored, I guess." He said indifferently.

"You know me better than that, Albus. That isn't going to fly. Everything you do is deliberate and calculated." Snape narrowed her eyes.

"I should pretend to be flattered, Selena, but I know you're far more shrewd than that." Dumbledore smiled wide.

"I know that your retrieving of Ginny from another universe was somewhat of a gamble, but I can't help but suspect an ulterior motive beyond, as you so tactlessly put it, 'fucking with death'."

"More of a re-statement of the sentiment than a quote, but I digress." Dumbledore temporarily quibbled with senseless details. "You are correct that retrieving Miss Weasley was not to replace one deceased girl and again correct that it was a gamble. With parallel universes being extremely theoretical and no exact science, I had no way for certain to be sure what kind of universe I would be taking someone from – much less who!"

"Wait. Do you mean-" Snape's eyes widened.

"That retrieving Ginny Weasley was a mistake, as much up to chance as roulette?" He closed his eyes. "Yes."

"You had no intention of taking Ginny at all." Snape could hardly believe the sheer irresponsibility of it all. "Why?"

"Strigiforma." Came his simple reply.

"What the hell is that?" Snape hadn't bothered to remember the details of Hedwig's sob story and failed to recall that Strigiforma was the name of her people.

"Why, it's what our dear Hedwig is." Dumbledore's smile was a little less sincere and Snape gave a derisive snort. "While not much is known about them, humans_ have_ had some significant, if limited, involvement with them. They possess great powers, few of which we have ever seen."

"Powers? All I've seen is annoyance and angst." Snape crossed her arms.

"Come now, Selena, has it never occurred to you to wonder how some of our magnificent magical objects are created? The time turner, for example."

"That's a product theoretical magic – a bunch of insane old coots paid to sit around thinking useless thoughts that never manifest themselves into anything productive beyond the time turner." Snape remembered her visit to that wing of the Ministry in disgust. Tax dollars visibly being wasted. "Isn't that where Sybill used to work before she graced us with her presence?"

"The time turners were based on what was discovered through inhumane testing and experimenting on two captured Strigaforma." Dumbledore dropped a bombshell. "We did not create that magic ourselves. It is not possible for a human – unable to see how time can function – to craft and use such a power. Because of this, the time turner's power is limited to small, petty use that won't affect much of anything. No one who knows of its true power would use it without understanding the effect it might have on the universe. Not even Voldemort."

"This does not even begin to explain why you took the risk you did with Miss Weasley's badass universe." Snape was feeling edgy. Such desperate actions were unlike the Headmaster.

"The stakes were raised, Severus." Dumbledore's face was intense. "We stand poised to lose everything."

"What do you mean?" She suddenly twigged on something, "You knew about Rhombus before he appeared to you, didn't you?" Her eyes widened.

Dumbledore nodded. "You did not hear the cock and bull story I pretend to believe. I must confess it took a great deal more physical exertion than I expected it to. No, what Rhombus never knew is that I was entirely aware of his brief and disastrous involvement with the Strigaforma, although I lacked many of the details. Further, he never knew that my leaving home after our parents' death was not what it seemed, either. I traveled, spoke to many, and, once I had information, returned home and watched him. I discovered what was happening and I knew the consequences that it could have had. That it _did_ have."

"Sir?"

"You see, Selena," He was continuing to speak now, more on momentum than anything else, "I knew when he disappeared. Exactly when. Because I was the one who killed him."

Snape's face went pale.

"Or at least, I thought I did." He sighed. "He was some kind of tricky bastard after all."

"Dare I ask-"

"Not now. I'll explain more when the time is right. I will, however, explain more about Miss Weasley."

"Very well."

"You see, I mapped out roughly the major changes and turning points I saw in the rise of Tom Riddle to becoming Lord Voldemort. It was entirely guesswork and, as I'm sure you have long deduced, the actions of a desperate man. I needed someone from a universe where things had turned out as hopelessly as possible – where the very act of still being alive proved them to be more capable than almost anyone here. Using my own life, I had hoped to bring myself here. Alas, my plan mostly failed. Purely by chance I uprooted Miss Weasley from her world and brought her here. But I can already see the potential that she has. I just need to wait for her to actualize it and come to her calling in her own time. This is something that cannot be rushed." As Snape had only partial information, she couldn't help but feel that the Headmaster was beginning to sound a bit…mad.

"So why did you bring her here? Is our war against the Death Eaters really so hopeless?" Snape persisted.

"While the loss of your body was a heavy blow to our cause, the situation was not hopeless. At least, not until I discovered – mere weeks before his appearance – that Rhombus was still alive."

"It's a little hard to take him seriously." Snape admitted.

"You would do well to take him seriously." Dumbledore sighed. "If he succeeds in what I am certain he is planning, then we are going to need more than just Miss Weasley in order to survive. I have ordered him to stay in his quarters in order to slow him down, but I don't know how long it will be before he makes his move to capture Hedwig. There is no doubt in my mind that he partially succeeded in his plan – that he can use _some_ of the powers that Strigaforma have. I can think of no other explanation for how he survived. And although I don't know when or how, I know that he will try to take the rest of the power – as well as the knowledge of how to use it – for himself. When this happens, he will be free to access the most powerful beings across all existing universes to aid his cause."

"How does this in any way involve the Death Eaters?" Snape feared the thought of two villainous and powerful factions against which they would have to defend themselves.

"I don't know yet." Dumbledore frowned. "But I know that they need each other. At least, for now. One does not move without the other. I need to figure out how they are helping each other and why."

"This…does not bode well."

* * *

><p>The distance between Hermione and Ginny from Ron and Harry increased as time went on. Harry and Ron didn't even bother to exchange pleasantries as they passed each other, since the girls seldom responded.<p>

Ginny failed to respond out of discomfort. She had felt guilty after the first time she refused to speak to either of them, and each subsequent time made her feel worse. The worse she felt, the less likely she was to say anything, and so they had descended into a frigid silence. Hermione, in a strange sort of solidarity coupled with her nose constantly being stuck in the middle of a heavy book, had ultimately ended in radio silence as well.

Ocassionally, they would speak with Luna and sit with her at lunch, but to many the noticeable chasm between the two groups was baffling and cause for gossip. Rumors flew and the four found themselves unwillingly in the middle of social intrigue.

Only a few days later, however, the intrigue deepened. A grey owl soared through the air above the Gryffindor table and Luna's face lit up.

"It's Fitzwilliam! My father's owl!"

The owl landed on the table and carefully laid a package wrapped in brown paper on the table. Luna paid him a few sickles and soared off, no doubt bound for her father.

"Is it the book?" Hermione's eyes widened in interest.

Luna smiled in her mysterious, sleepy way and unwrapped it.

"This is it!" She pulled the book out and passed it to Hermione.

"Oh my." Hermione breathed, preparing to open the heavy leather cover of a gorgeously hand-made book.

Ginny and Luna leaned in close as Hermione opened it.

"What?"

The first page was blank.

Hermione's brow creased and she turned a few more pages. All of them were blank.

"How can this be?" She quickly flipped through all of the pages. "It's blank!"

"It can't be blank." Luna shook her head. "He didn't want anyone to read it."

"Luna's right." Ginny mused. "It must be that the text is somehow being hidden from us."

"It's a puzzle!" Hermione sat bolt upright.

"Seriously?" Ginny was starting to get a feel for this universe – and she didn't like it. "But... didn't you say that you had read some of it before Luna? So you should know the trick to reading it right?" Ginny asked hopefully.

"Oh, well actually my mother was the one who used to read exerts to me when I was younger. She must have known the secret but unfortunately she's dead." Luna crushed Ginny's hopes that there would be a quick and easy solution.

"No matter, we can solve this ourselves." Hermione said enthusiastically.

"We're going to need all the help we can get! He was quite adept with secret magic." Luna noted.

"Ginny, I'm really sorry. I know how uncomfortable everyone here makes you, but Harry, Ron, and I are a puzzle-solving machine! Let's face it, you're kind of new at it."

"This is true." Ginny agreed with Hermione.

"So we really need to open up communication with them again!" Hermione pressed.

"I'm…I'm sorry, Hermione. I didn't mean for it to get so out of hand. Or for you to get swept up in it as well. I'll go talk to Harry and Ron alone. I need to make things right so that we can work on this…er…puzzle, together!"

Luna's expression hadn't changed at all, but Hermione and Ginny suddenly became aware of the fact that they were excluding her.

"And of course you too, Luna!" Ginny stuttered.

"You have…such unique knowledge that will no doubt come in handy." Hermione added.

Luna gave a slow, sleepy smile.

"Sounds smashing!"

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Aside<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Tomato Face: Yeah…late again.<strong>

**Blonde One: What's the dealyo?**

**Tomato Face: Sorry, I went on a weekend family thing and got carsick on the way there. My brilliant plan to complete this on time was foiled by my own weak stomach!**

**Blonde One: Ouch. Well anyway, back to the story. Things seem like they are coming together and I feel like it's time to show my hand.**

**Tomato Face: You mean you're going to play your last card?**

**Blonde One: Yep. Here it is folk. For my next turn I play: Switch Bodies!**

**Tomato Face: What, that one again? Man this is starting to feel redundant. Maybe we shouldn't have made so many of those cards?**

**Blonde One: Don't complain until you read my update. I promise it will be a doozy!**

What does Blonde One have planned. Can she really make that tired old body switching trick seem fresh? And what will happen to the direction of the story now that Tomato Face is the only one with a card left? Tune in next time to find out!


	12. Round 11: The First Move

**Round 11: The First Move**

"Perhaps you need to say the secret password!" Ron suggested as he turned the journal over and over in his hands, as if in hopes that looking at it from a different angle would some how reveal its secrets.

"Hmmm…" Hermione looked pensive as she pondered this possibility. "I've heard of girls putting spells like that on their diaries so I suppose that's possible."

"Maybe the password is something like… Password!" When nothing happened Ron tried a series of other random words that popped into his head. "Owl! Pickles! Quiditch! Oh bother, I can't think of anything else. What about you guys?" Ron quickly gave up after none of these caused anything to happen. Hermione shook her head at him.

"We'll never be able to just guess the password, we need some clues." She gently took the book out of Ron's hands and began inspecting the binding for any hints to the manuscript's mystery.

"Wait! Owls are nocturnal right?" Harry said slowly as an idea dawned on him. "So maybe the book is written in moon letters, and we need to shine moonlight on the page to see them!" He quickly chanted a spell and a pale light shone from the tip of his wand. He reached over Hermione's shoulder to shine this simulated moonlight over the open pages of the book. The yellowed paper unfortunately remained blank.

"Ahh too bad Harry." Luna gave him a pat on the shoulder.

"Calamity Kittens!" Harry swore like a 6 year old girl in his disappointment. "I thought that was it for sure!"

Ginny suppressed a snort of derision as she watched this scene unfold. The five of them were back in the library, seated around a long table as they tried to solve the increasingly frustrating puzzle of Luna's grandfather's book. After taking the boys aside Ginny had discovered that Ron and Harry had been pretty much waiting for the girls to ask them for help, because no sooner had Ginny uttered the words had the two boys eagerly agreed to offer their assistance to the cause. At first Ginny had been relieved that there didn't appear to be any hard feelings about her previous behavior. She had even begun to feel hopeful, as Harry and Ron had listened so seriously while she had explained the situation. Now she was quickly loosing faith in this "puzzle-solving machine" as Hermione had dubbed the three friends.

"Luna can you remember anything about the times your mother read this to you?" Hermione asked. Luna got a distant look on her face and stared off into the corner, presumably in deep thought.

"Well, let me see." Luna suddenly seemed to snap back to reality and picking up the book she stood back from the table with it held out at arms length in front of her. "Mom always read to me like this." Luna raised the open book over her head and began spinning and twirling around the room. Everyone watched in horror as Luna danced about, inadvertently kicking over chairs and knocking into bookcases as she spun around in circles all the while staring up at the pages of the upraised book. Finally Hermione leapt to her feet and placed a restraining hand on her shoulders.

"That's enough Luna. It's not working."

"Oh you're right." Luna said with a rueful smile as she handed the book back to Hermione who clutched it to her chest while eyeing Luna as if she were crazy. "I just got caught up in the memories there for a second."

"You mother read this book to you like that? And you never thought that was weird?" Ron asked incredulously.

"Of course not." Luna said with a confused look on her face. "That's the way my mom always read to me."

There was an awkward silence as everyone thought about how this revelation of Luna's mother's apparent insanity explained so much about their friend.

"Anyway." Harry said at length. "Ginny, what do you think about the book?" Harry gave her a hesitant smile as he made this obvious attempt to include her in the process.

'Oh um… let me see." Ginny took the book that Hermione hands and opened it up to a random empty page. _Think! If I didn't want anyone to read my book what would I do_? Ginny tried hard to concentrate and think of a solution but no matter how hard she tried the only idea that came to her was burning the stupid book. Seriously, why keep it around if you thought it was too dangerous? _Come on there has got to be a solution! _The bank pages of the book seemed to mock her and her inability to creatively problem solve, and Ginny was suddenly overcome with an overwhelming feeling of rage.

"Arrrghh!" Ginny screamed and started slamming her fists against the pages of the book. "Frickin' let us read you! Why won't you just work?"

"Uhhhh… Ginny I don't think that's helping." Hermione made soothing gestures in Ginny's direction but quickly backed up when Ginny suddenly stood up and threw the book violently to the ground with a wild look on her face.

"You useless piece of trash! Please just die!" The book bounced across the floor with it's old and fragile pages flapping about. Suddenly a long curly script started to form on the paper. The book came to a sliding halt and everyone gasped as they saw that its abused pages were full of writing.

"Ginny you did it!" Harry yelled and ran to scoop up the book. Ginny panted and slumped back against the table in exhaustion.

"Thank you!" Ginny quietly offered up her gratitude to the demon gods of her world that this stupid riddle trial was over.

"Oh um… I think we spoke to soon." Harry's face fell and he held up the book to show them the pages were once again blank.

"What!" Ginny screamed and kicked over a chair.

"Chill out Sis." Ron said with a smile. "Something you did made the words appear, we just need to figure out what it was."

"Maybe it was the punching!" Ginny raised her fist and advanced towards Harry with a manic look on her face.

"Woah, woah, wait!" Harry said with a panic. "I don't think that was it!"

"Oh! I get it!" Luna cried and ran up and grabbed the old journal from Harry, who'd been holding it in front of himself defensively.

"Please." She told the pages and words formed there once more.

"Thank you." She said and the words melted away. Luna looked up with a grin. "Grandpa was a real stickler for politeness. I should have guessed that these were the passwords!"

"Alright! Good job, Ginny!" Ron slapped her on the back. Ginny wanted to scream some more but managed to hold it in somehow.

"Let me see!" Hermione snatched the book out of Luna's hand and then sat down purposefully at the table.

She opened the journal to its first page and solemnly uttered the magic word "Please." Hermione started flipping through the book at a rapid pace. Using her convenient speed reading skills she quickly read through the entire book and closed it with a thunk.

"Well, Hermione?" Ginny prompted. "What did it say?" Hermione slowly turned to face them all of the color gone from her face.

"It's more serious then I thought! According to these records the Strigiforma possess strange and powerful magic and know dark rituals that could give them power over people's souls!" Everyone shuddered and looked at each other in horror. Ginny felt her pulse start to race as she thought of the horrifying possibilities of what an unscrupulous person could do with such terrible power.

"That must be what Rhombus is after!" she cried. "If he had control over people's souls he could do anything! He could even take over the world if he wanted to!"

"Do you think Hedwig's in danger?" Harry suddenly looked very worried.

"Probably! Man, we need to do something!" Ginny shifted from foot to foot restlessly. "We need to tell the Headmaster!"

"What's going on here!" A shrill and angry voice broke into their conversation, it was followed by Professor Snape, who rounded the bookshelf and stomped up to the group looking distinctly pissed off.

"Professor Snape!" Hermione leapt to her feet. "We just discovered something very impor-"

"I already know what you've been doing here." Snape crossed his arms across his chest and attempted to draw himself to his full height. It didn't quite have the same imposing effect as it once had but his presence in Ginny's body was still extremely creepy and everyone took an involuntary step back. "Madame Prince came to me in tears saying that you had been horribly abusing literature!" Snape snapped. "Now which of you is responsible for this outrage? Step forward Potter, I already know it was you!"

"Professor Snape!" Ginny screamed "We don't have time for this! We-"

"Oh I'm sorry. Too important to follow the to school rules hrrm? Well you'll find that you will have a whole lot of time to think about what you've done in detention! Now come while I think up a suitable punishment for-" Professor Snape never finished his tirade.

A chill entered the room as if a breeze was blowing and then, to everyone's horror, Snapes's entire body suddenly went rigid and then collapsed. No one made any move to catch him as fell straight backwards, only watched in shock as he hit the ground.

"Wha- What just happened?" Ron stammered.

"Professor Snape?" Ginny knelt by his body and gave him a shake. "Hey wake up! We were talking!"

"Don't move him! He could have a concussion!" Hermione cried as she recalled the loud crack she'd heard when Snape's head had struck the ground. She then turned to the others all business. "Well don't just stand there! This could be a medical emergency! Ron you go get Madame Pomfrey and Luna you go and find the Headmaster!" Ron yelped and rushed out of the room to do as he was told followed swiftly by Luna. Harry stared down at Snape's prone form and was struck by an intense feeling of déjà vu. Ignoring it he turned back to Hermione and Ginny.

"Do you think he had a brain aneurysm from screaming too much? I always thought he'd die that way."

"He isn't dead." Ginny huffed; mildly offended that Harry apparently didn't even know what a dead body looked like.

"His breathing is very shallow but he's defiantly still alive." Hermione confirmed her face full of concern. "Harry… Isn't this very similar to what you described happened when Hedwig preformed the body switch?" Harry blinked at her and then went pale as it suddenly fell into place why this scene had felt so familiar to him. Hermione was right. This was exactly like what had happened before.

* * *

><p>Madame Pomfrey shook her head in frustration and turned back to face Headmaster Dumbledore.<p>

"I'm sorry, sir, but I can't find the slightest thing wrong with him!" The haggard looking nurse shrugged her shoulders in defeat. She and Ron had come bustling into the library a few minutes before and quickly began attempting to revive the patient to consciousness to no avail. Dumbledore had rushed up to the group followed by Luna not long after. The wise old wizard's face was unreadable as he stood with the five students, quietly observing Madame Pomfrey's valiant efforts.

"That's quite alright, Poppy." The headmaster said gravely. "I suspect that this sudden coma is caused by something completely different than a medical malady."

"Well you might have said so earlier!" Madame Pomfrey huffed in annoyance. Suddenly Snape's body twitched and his eyes fluttered open.

"Selena!" Madame Pomfrey gasped. "How are you feeling?"

"Huh! Wha…where." Snape glanced around the room in a disoriented fashion.

"Now take it easy! You suddenly lost consciousness and you need to take things slowly." Madame Pomfrey said soothingly, but Snape just stared at her in confusion.

"Professor Snape?" Harry asked hesitantly. Snape's head whipped around at the sound of his voice and blinked at him in surprise.

"Harry?" Snape gasped and started to sit up, but then she suddenly stopped and stared down at her own body in apparent shock. "But how… I don't understand!" Harry groaned inwardly. This was definitely not Professor Snape.

As if on cue, one of the long windows suddenly seemed to explode in a spray of glass and a very pissed off looking owl barreled into the room screeching and squawking uproariously. Harry could tell by the way this owl flew haphazardly, as if not used to its wings, and by the way its face was contorted as if in the midst of a fit that this was undoubtedly Professor Snape. That meant that the person sitting in stunned silence on the floor possessing Ginny/Snape's body was none other then Hedwig.

Headmaster Dumbledore seemed to grasp the situation immediately as well and gave a heavy sigh. Seeing as how Professor Snape seemed to be attempting to flap and hop his way over to where Hedwig sat, no doubt so he could claw her eyes out, Dumbledore gave him a severe look and shook his head firmly.

"Calm yourself Selena. We'll have you back into your adopted body in a moment." Once he was sure that Snape was, for the moment at least, no longer trying to attack anyone, Dumbledore turned to the bewildered girl on the floor.

"Miss Hedwig, I presume? I would like to say that it's a pleasure to meet you, but under the circumstance you'll forgive me if I skip the pleasantries and ask you how exactly you came to inhabit this body again?"

"I… I don't know! I was perched in a tree on the castle grounds just a moment ago, and then I suddenly woke up here. I don't know what happened, I swear!"

"You expect us to swallow that load of crap!" Ron suddenly broke out. His was so livid that his whole face had turned red and his body was completely tense, as if he was physically holding himself back from throttling Hedwig. Hedwig stared at him wide eyed and tried to explain.

"But I really-"

"It wasn't enough for you that you _**killed my sister**_ just so you could have some fun prancing around as a human girl! Now you've decided to steal her body again!" Ron yelled, not willing to listen to anything she had to say. Hedwig's face drained of all color.

"No! I never meant to-"

"I'm surprised that you didn't just steal Ginny's body for your games!" Ron gestured wildly at alternate universe Ginny who was staring as him opened mouthed, clearly surprised that Ron had had such rage contained within him this whole time. "Why not ruin her life, too, so you won't have any competition?" Tears were running down Hedwig's face and she desolately choked out a shaky "I'm sorry." Instead of lessening Ron's anger this apology seemed to only infuriate him more and he suddenly surged forward fists clenched. Harry instinctively leapt in between them and grabbed Ron by the shoulders to hold his friend back from violence.

"Calm down, Ron! Hedwig never meant to hurt Ginny!" Harry tried desperately to calm his friend. "I was there, it was an accident!"

"An accident!" Ron screamed "How can you say that! She stole Ginny's body for her own selfish purposes and she's trying to do it again!"

"Enough!" Dumbledore bellowed and Ron and Harry instantly stopped their struggles at the force contained in the Headmaster's voice. "All of you calm yourselves! I won't tolerate any violence! If you can't keep your tempers in check, you can leave right now!" Ron briefly looked like he wanted to protest but seemed to think better of it and silently nodded his head before roughly pulling out of Harry's grasp. He backing up a few paces to stand with his arms crossed across his chest leaning against one of the book selves but continued to glare venomously at Hedwig.

"Good." Dumbledore nodded and then turned his intense gaze back to Hedwig who abruptly stopped her quiet sobbing with a gulp. "Miss Hedwig I will need to ask you to perform the body switching spell and to return that body to Professor Snape. You will be given a chance to tell your side of the story, but given the current circumstances and your past history of body theft I will need to take you into custody while I investigate this incident."

"But Headmaster!" Harry started to protest but was quickly silenced by a withering glare from Dumbledore.

"I understand." Hedwig said softly as she pulled a strand of hair from her head. "I will fully cooperate." Harry felt a knot form in his stomach as he looked at her hopeless face. Why wasn't she trying to defend herself? To his horror Hedwig quietly preformed the body switching spell without uttering another word in her own defense. As soon as the two bodies had collapsed from the shock of having their mind thrust from their bodies, Headmaster Dumbledore immediately gathered Hedwig's still owl form into an enchanted cage he'd conjured up with a complex spell.

"But Professor she didn't do it!" Harry tried once again to come to her defense.

"I'm afraid that this isn't open for discussion Harry." Dumbedore said curtly. "Rest assured that I intend to look into this matter." Turning away he instructed Madame Pomfrey to take Snape to the infirmary to recover and then quickly swept from the room, taking the unconscious and imprisoned Hedwig with him.

"Why are you defending that bird!" Ron finally snapped once the Headmaster had left the room. "She killed Ginny! Don't you hate her?" Harry gaped at him, at a loss as to what to say. It was true that directly after Ginny's death he had been furious with Hedwig, but he had seen how horrified and torn up with guilt she had been. He knew that Hedwig hadn't meant to harm anyone and he had slowly started to forgive her. Above all else Harry realized that, whatever she may have done in the past, he trusted that Hedwig would never perform the body switching spell again.

"I know Hedwig did a terrible thing Ron. Hedwig knows that too. That's why I'm certain she would never have done it again!" Harry tried to explain his feelings to his friend.

"Whatever." Ron snorted in disgust and stormed out of the room quickly followed by a concerned Hermione.

Harry winced. It hurt that Ron was so furious at him but it couldn't be helped. He was certain that Hedwig was being wrongfully imprisoned, and he was determined to find away to help her.

* * *

><p>Headmaster Dumbledore delicately placed the cage containing the sleeping Hedwig on his desk beside Fawkes' perch and then sat down in his cushy desk chair with a heavy sigh. He had believed the girl when she had said that she hadn't been responsible for this latest body switching. The confusion on her face couldn't have been faked and he had seen genuine guilt in her eyes when Ron had confronted her. Regardless, he could think of nothing that Hedwig would gain by making such a foolish attempt. No, he was sure that Hedwig had not tried to snatch Ginny's body once again.<p>

No doubt this was the work of Rhombus attempting to draw Hedwig out. He wasn't yet sure how Rhombus had managed to achieve it but this was undoubtedly evidence that his brother had acquired more of the Strigiforma powers than he had expected. He would need to move carefully. At least with Hedwig in his custody he could keep an eye on her while he considered his next move.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Aside<strong>

**Blonde One: And the die is cast!**

**Tomato Face: **_**That**_** took you three weeks to write?**

**Blonde One: Well, you know. It was a long and dramatic update and I wanted to make it great.**

**Tomato Face: Uh huh.**

**Blonde One: Well that and I was lazy...**

**Tomato Face: Pssh! You're a hundred years too young if you think you can out-lazy me!**

**Blonde One: Well...I'd rather you didn't try to prove that with your next update. I'm hoping we can keep the momentum up now that we're reaching our final, thrilling conclusion.**

**Tomato Face: I **_**guess**_**. Man, what is it with you and wanting to have completed stories?**

**Blonde One: Seriously?**

**Tomato Face: But I suppose it must be an eye for an eye. I think I'll have to play my last card, then.**

**Blonde One: W-what card do you have?**

**Tomato Face: Love triangle! It says to take the three most prominent characters from this chapter and to make them fall in love.**

**Blonde One: Seriously? I don't think Snape, Ron and Harry would like that very much! Not to mention that we want to end this story some time in the not-too-distant future.**

**Tomato Face: Hm. You make a valid point.**

**Blonde One: How about just straight up love triangle? Then you can pick whoever you want ****

**Tomato Face: *creepy smile* We'll seeee... Heh heh.**

**Blonde One: Oh, come on!**

* * *

><p>Will Tomato Face choose a love triangle that makes sense, or will she further derail and ruin the story forever! Stay tuned for next round!<p>

**Blonde One: No, seriously! Come on!**


	13. Round 12: Putting Things in Place

**Round 12: Putting Things in Place**

"And as you can see," Snape continued to drone on in Ginny's voice as she scratched away at the blackboard, "by adding a composite of newt's tail and holly, the effects of most potions will change. While it isn't perfect, as a general rule the concoction will have its opposite intended effect- Gah!"

Her head snapped forward as a thrown textbook collided with it. She turned around, livid.

"Who threw that?" She hissed.

Her potions students sat looking innocent and mildly stunned. Snape cursed inwardly, as she had no Harry Potter to blame on this latest shenanigan. She could feel her head smarting in anticipation of the sizeable lump that was likely forming.

"Who. Threw. That?" She repeated herself.

But the students, even though it was only a Hufflepuff remedial class, had already figured out that there was no way Snape could hold them accountable if she didn't know who had done it. Across the houses, Snape had discovered a disturbing trend of solidarity – if she punished them all, no one would rat out the miscreant. After too many whole class detentions, parents had complained and she had been forced to abandon this disciplinary tactic. Worst of all, any class that had Harry Potter in it would be the only class that did not misbehave, making Snape all the more eager to pin that damn ragamuffin orphan child as the culprit behind the whole thing.

Snape's sharp ears detected a slow giggle at the back of the room.

"WINDY!" She whirled to face the loathsome girl. "Detention!"

"Huh. Mum says you can't give us'n detention no more." Windy said slowly.

Snape could feel the walls closing in as her rage doubled, but at the same time realized it was futile. Without her former disgusting male body, she had lost her ability to instill terror-born obedience from her students. The ten items thrown at her this week alone could attest to that fact.

"We'll see what the Headmaster has to say about that." She snapped, storming from the room.

* * *

><p>"Well, Selena, I must say that I wish you'd come to me about this earlier." Dumbledore sighed heavily, his hands folded neatly on his desk.<p>

Snape gleefully ignored the wire cage on the floor, which contained a miserable-looking Hedwig.

"It makes a whole lot more sense why you insisted on punishing all students."

"Sir, I…I'm no longer able to keep students under control. They've found my weakness: my low position in the school political Peking order." Her shoulders sagged.

"I'm certain you're blaming this on your new body, Selena. Unfortunately, I must agree. I warned you that this might happen. You look and sound like someone their age or younger, so the students have declined to mindlessly obey you as an authority figure. No matter how much you snap at them, punish them, or yell at them, to the students of Hogwarts you have become just another girl."

"God, children are so fucking stupid." Snape griped.

"You said it, not me." Dumbledore smiled serenely.

"But Headmaster, what am I to do?"

"Well, Selena, I don't think there's very much you can do at the moment. As I suggested earlier, I think your best course of action is to simply grow up again and take advantage of your second childhood as it were." Dumbledore pressed.

"Vomit." Snape rolled his eyes.

"Very well." Dumbledore frowned slightly. "But you are in no position to teach at the moment. Fourth years across all houses are failing to listen to you and it's only a matter of days before it spreads to all years. While it pains me to do so, I'm afraid that I must suspend you from your duties as Potions Master until a solution can be reached."

"But then who will replace me?" Snape figured Hogwarts couldn't do without him.

"Selena, you know that I would not ask you to do something like this unless I was absolutely certain it was the only course of action to take." Dumbledore snapped.

"Y-yes sir." Snape was not used to the Headmaster putting his foot down.

"This may serve two purposes, Selena." Dumbledore had a slight scheming twinkle in his merry blue eyes. "I will temporarily take over your post, but in exchange you must be actively guarding Hedwig in my office while I'm gone."

"That thing again?" Snape's jaw dropped.

"If Rhombus sees me out and about for hours at a time, he will think that she is not being as well-guarded and might reveal himself by attempting to take her from my office." Dumbledore explained.

"Rhombus doesn't strike me as a fool." Snape's face turned sour. "If he notices that I'm gone as well, he'll be able to put two and two together."

"But that's just it! We can concoct some story about Miss Weasley leaving the castle and make her up to look like you!" Dumbledore grinned.

"That…that could almost-"

"Sir!" Harry Potter burst through the door to Dumbledore's office.

"MAH!" Snape, who hadn't seen the approaching orphan, jolted in her seat.

"Mr. Potter," Dumbledore looked up in surprise with a feeling of foreboding, "what is the matter?"

"It's Ginny!" He was practically out of breath.

Dumbledore rose to his feet, his eyes serious.

"She's…she's gone!"

Before Snape could even react, Dumbledore was on his way out the door.

"Selena, stay here and guard the owl at all costs. I will go investigate this, but keep in mind that it could be a diversion of Rhombus'. I will return as soon as I know the situation, and we shall continue this conversation."

And then the Headmaster and Harry Potter were gone.

Snape sat in her chair for a few minutes, and then sighed.

"Well, this could be a while."

She noticed out of the corner of her eye that Hedwig perked up at this, probably hoping that Snape would talk to her out of nothing better to do. Snape grinned sadistically and pulled a large book from Dumbledore's bookshelf.

"Time to brush up on my legal magicology."

* * *

><p><em>Dear Harry, Hermione, Luna, and most of all, my Dear brother Ron,<em>

_As you likely have noticed, I have been struggling to fit in here in your universe. I have tried time and again to do things the way that you do, but I just can't do it. It's far too silly. My world is a hard, badass place and I feel like I will never be able to fit into your school system. However, the cruelty of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is echoed in my universe as well, and I feel that I must do something about it. So, even if it kills me, I will go on a journey alone to set things right for you. Just because my world is a place of pain and sadness doesn't mean that I should let yours lose its magic. If you don't hear from me again, then assume that I've lost. I'm sorry that I couldn't be the Ginny you all wanted me to be._

_ Love,_

_Ginny _

* * *

><p>"Does this mean that I don't have to guard the damn bird?" Snape asked hopefully.<p>

"No, Selena, it just means that another approach is required." Dumbledore shook his head.

"…You're not…going to take another AU Ginny, are you?" Snape could feel her face go pale with horror.

"Merlin, no!" Dumbledore laughed. "One train wreck is enough, thank you."

Snape frowned. "Then what are you-"

"Arrrr, right then." Filch sauntered into the room, dragging his greasy hair and stench in with him. "What did yer want me to do?"

"Ah, Argus. Delightfully punctual as always." Dumbledore smiled and handed him a flask. "Drink this."

"Not sure why yer handin' me strange phials to drink, but I trust ye." Filch shrugged and took a swig. "Gofff!" He shook his head, blinking wildly. "'At's awful!"

"Excllent. Thank you Argus."

"Headmaster…" Snape's voice had a hard edge to it, already suspecting but hoping it wasn't true.

Suddenly, Filch's hideousness melted away as his shape changed into that of Ginny Weasleys'. Admittedly the intermediary stage of him looking like a mix of the two almost made Snape throw up, but she managed to keep it down.

"Urrr, wot's this, then?" Filch held up his hands in terror to behold their milky white smooth skin. "My voice!"

"I need you to do me a favor." Dumbledore maintained a straight face but secretly reveled in being an asshole. "I would like you to consume that polyjuice potion every hour on the hour and spend all day walking around the castle."

"I-"

"Smashing. Off you go, then." Dumbledore shoved him out the door. "There we are, Selena," he turned to Snape with a grin, "we're still good to go. House elves will make him up to look just like you and Filch will be our decoy. It's not like he does anything useful anyway."

"But sir-"

"Oop! Time for potions with Slytherin and Gryffindor. I wonder why I keep blocking those houses together when they seem to be bitter enemies? Oh well. Mind the store, then." Dumbledore breezed and was out the door before Snape could burst a capillary in her face from rage.

* * *

><p>Harry sat in his desk, being lectured by Dumbledore. It was like a dream come true! An engaging, functional adult was informatively and interestingly teaching them potions without any hate or torture. And yet he couldn't quite enjoy himself.<p>

Lately he'd been surprised by it, but he missed Hedwig. He'd spent so much time pouring out his adolescent sorrows to her in the rookery, and now that every Ginny Weasley from his life seemed to be gone, he felt like he was suddenly left adrift in his own life without a rock to help keep him steady. He felt like he might drift away.

Hedwig had actually seemed to understand him. And unlike the negligent Dumbledore or unsympathetic adults, seemed to feel for his pain. She loved him. Harry blinked, focusing on the words in his textbook as he realized the truth.

While it may have started out of not having his first choice, Ginny, Harry realized that not only did he love Hedwig too, but he even loved her more than he had Ginny, when he thought she really was Ginny. He loved Hedwig's cute naivety, the way she followed him around, how she laughed like a spring breeze, and the wonder she seemed to feel with everything in the human world. It wasn't just the body, it was her. As creepy and weird as it sounded, he was in love with Hedwig.

"Mister Potter, staying after class to spend some time brushing up on lacewings?" Dumbledore's soft voice broke his reverie.

Harry looked around with surprise, realizing that everyone had left without him. Even his best chums Hermione and Ron hadn't had the decency to snap him out of it before he left. What assholes.

"I…" He looked down.

"Whatever is the matter?" Dumbledore asked in concern.

"Sir, I," He looked up at his role model and father figure-ish archetype, "I love her."

Dumbledore imperceptibly jolted in shock, but instantly put a settled and calm face on.

"Who?"

"Hedwig."

"Oh dear." He stood up. "I was afraid you were going to say that." He sighed and paced to the front of the room. "You see, Harry, loving a magical creature – even one who can be bewitched to assume human form – is a dangerous and forbidden love among wizards."

"I-really?" Harry looked befuddled. He figured with all the fucked up things wizards did, loving an owl who could also take the form of a human would be like eating a fancy kind of butterscotch.

"Yes, Mr. Potter. There are very few races that are considered to be acceptably doink-able by polite wizarding society." He inclined his head gravely. "I'm afraid the path you've chosen is a very difficult one.

"It's not about doinking!" Harry rose to his feet, shouting in an aggravated passion. "It's about love! And when has anything in my life ever been easy?"

"Going to keep on milking that 'Boy Who Lived' thing, are you then?" Dumbledore rolled his eyes.

"Sir?" Harry felt hurt. "This is callous, even for you."

"What could be more callous than forcing your love on a strigiforma! A creature with unearthly beauty and boundless power! You could never make her happy!" Dumbledore retorted, visibly agitated.

"She loves me!" Harry shouted back, fighting a girlish sob. "She told me! She accidentally killed and maimed two people just so she could be with me for a day!"

"LIES!" Dumbledore shrieked, pounding his fists on the table.

"What's wrong with you?" Harry demanded, as the Headmaster was acting like a stanky old wizard.

"You can't possibly love her the way she deserves to be loved! The way _I_ love her!" He raged on.

"Headmaster?" Harry looked at him in disbelief.

"You're just a boy! A weak, powerless boy whose mother's love protected him! Your fame, your power, everything! Everything that has made you who you are was not your own power or your own doing – it was your mother's! A coddled infant like you who rides the coattails of his mother's death has **no right** to be with a creature of such exquisite beauty like Hedwig!" Dumbledore continued to rail on.

Harry's eyes widened in horror.

"Rhombus." He uttered in disbelief.

Dumbledore looked like he'd been slapped in the face, but pulled himself together.

"I was merely testing your devotion to the bird, Mr. Potter. If you wish to have disgusting hybrid owl babies, I now give you my blessing to do so." He offered, completely retreating.

"You're Rhombus." Harry insisted. "What have you done with Dumbledore?"

Dumbledore rolled his eyes and sighed.

"Very well, Potter. Yes, I am Rhombus Dumbledore."

"Where," he gritted his teeth, "is the Headmaster?"

"Where indeed." Rhombus smiled coldly, a strange expression to see on the Headmaster's face. "Where could I have put dear older brother Albus?" He took out his wand and began to toy with it.

Harry glowered at the man before him, wary and antagonized. He held his wand at the ready, not entirely sure what to expect.

"Is he still alive?"

"Oh yes. For now." Rhombus smiled widely, a sickeningly gleeful look in his eyes. "But you'd best not kill me if you want to see your dear Headmaster again."

"What do you want?" Harry demanded.

"I think that's very obvious. I loved that girl from the moment I saw her, and her power only added to the intoxication. I want her. I want her power, everything." He flicked some fireworks idly out of his wand. "And…while you musn't hurt me if you wish to see Albus again," he grinned at Harry out of the corner of his eye, "I have no such limitation!"

He shouted and cast a curse at Harry, who barely rolled out of the way in time.

"You will die here, Harry Potter!"

* * *

><p>Snape had finished reading that very long book and her eyes were achy and bloodshot. She massaged the bridge of her nose, cursing her ability to speed-read.<p>

She cast a look at Hedwig, who seemed droopy. Her eyes were glazed over, half-open, and her beak was slightly ajar as she panted heavily.

"What's the matter with you, then?" Snape asked irately.

Hedwig looked up at him blearily, still panting.

"Right. Despite all your stupid magic powers, you can't talk in that form, can you?"

She set about rummaging through the cabinets of Dumbledore's office, finding the emergency potions ingredient stash. Making her patented elixir, Snape downed the mixture in one gulp and wiped the corner of her mouth in a very unladylike manner.

"So what's bothering you now?"

"I'm sorry…I…don't mean to…be a burden." Hedwig panted. "But…I haven't…been fed in over…a day and I need…water too."

Snape grimaced upon hearing this. Not even prisoners were treated this badly. No wonder Fawkes looked so awful most of the time.

"Just a minute." Snape muttered, and summoned a House Elf.

The gross-looking little creature looked up at her with big eyes.

"Bring me water and some dead mice." She commanded it.

With two quick successive bangs, the elf disappeared, and then reappeared with the items. Disturbingly quickly. Without another word to the creature, Snape turned to Hedwig as the elf disappeared. Pushing one of the freshly dead mice through the bars, Snape watched in half-disgust as Hedwig swallowed it whole.

"Can I please have the water?"

"I…I can't get the container through the bars." Snape admitted.

"Ah, I see. Maybe you can try to pour it into my beak?" She suggested.

"Needlessly complicated and too much effort on my part. I will let you out for your meal, but if you try to escape I swear I will bewitch you so you won't be seeing straight for the rest of your life." Snape offered a random threat.

"I just want water." Hedwig sounded exasperated. "Really, you are the most bitter person I've ever known."

Snape didn't dignify that with a response and snarkily threw her cage door open. Hedwig hobbled over to the container of water and descended on it, lapping it up noisily.

"Don't stand on ceremony or anything." Snape sniffed at her poor manners.

Once Hedwig had slated her thirst, she ate the rest of the mice in mighty gulps, almost like a duck. She closed her eyes and let out a sigh.

"That's much better." Hedwig sounded far more comfortable.

"I've got to ask." Snape randomly introduced a new topic. "What is it about Potter that so intrigues you?"

"Well," Hedwig looked down in embarrassment, "as you know I've known the boy for several years now. But I must confess that the first thing that drew me in were…his eyes."

Snape leaned forward and almost fell out of her chair.

"His eyes, you say?"

"Yes. I…I found them to be sincere and rather captivating." She admitted. "Holding an innocence and purity that is rare to find in humans."

Snape leaned back in her chair, feeling genuinely curious.

"Go on."

* * *

><p>Ginny grunted under the strain of her own body weight as she hauled herself up an almost perpendicular cliff face. Although thin and wiry, her muscles practically bulged out her sleeves as her fingers sought out the most minute of crevices. It seemed that this universe's Ginny hadn't tapped into the hidden strength of this lean type of muscle, as she felt her ribs strain to expand far enough to allow her to breathe comfortably in her jacket.<p>

She had tried – she really, really had. But the research and the puzzles were just too much, the culture too difficult to adapt to. Her world was in an all-out war, but this world wasn't. She had learned the skills this universe had to offer, but found based on the current situation of Voldemort's armies that those skills fell painfully short of what was needed. It was her turn to give back. Even though she didn't fit in, Ginny knew that this universe would have loved her, and given her a home and support. She wanted to fix it, vicariously making her feel like she was saving her own world. Or maybe herself.

A rocky outcropping suddenly crumbled and she faltered, almost falling. Her body swung out and her right hand almost let go of her last available handhold. Mustering all of her finger strength, Ginny managed by some miracle to hold on as her feet finished their arc and swung back into the rocky face of the cliff. Taking a moment, she looked down to watch the loose chunks of stone tumble into a misty void. She swallowed, feeling her heart beating rapidly, and thanked her lucky stars that her wand had stayed in her pocket. She was going to need it.

Amazingly, as she had suspected, the spy networks of her universe were largely intact and parallel in this universe, albeit largely untapped. All it took was some pummeling, blackmail, and death threats for her to safely discover the location of Voldemort. The answer, though ironic, should not have been terribly surprising.

Ginny was scaling the cliff that Rhombus Dumbledore had allegedly thrown himself from in his faked suicide as she made her way to the abandoned high density housing complex that had been built over the Dumbledore vineyards.

She prayed as she climbed that Voldemort would not be the same as in her universe. Because if he was, she was only climbing nearer and nearer to her own death.

* * *

><p>"Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha~!" Snape laughed, tears rolling down her face, as Hedwig delivered the punch line to yet another racist joke about nonhuman magical creatures. "Brilliant."<p>

"Hee hee!" Hedwig felt mirth, even though it was her own joke. "Well, it's true, isn't it? Once Goblins got into the banks it became needlessly complicated with their lust for rock faces and interlocking gears."

"They _are_ cheap, aren't they?" Snape sighed. "It's not so much about being able to spend the money as having it holed away in some dank cave."

"Back when I was able to become human, I'd play pranks on them all the time." Hedwig fondly recalled. "I'd frickin' turn invisible and smack them up-side the head. Oh, you should have seen it." Her owl face almost seemed to be grinning.

"I had no idea you were such an accomplished asshole." Snape felt like she was learning something new everyday. "Does Potter have any idea?"

"Ah." Hedwig hesitated. "Not as such. You see, those were in my younger renegade days more than a century ago. As I grew up, my philosophies changed and I began to find such petty acts of bullying unsatisfying."

"Pity."

"And what made this realization crystallize was my time spent with Harry." Hedwig recounted fondly. "Seeing the human world from his vantage point and listening to him – I learned so much."

"God, he ruins everything." Snape muttered under her breath.

"I'll always be who I am, but Harry makes me feel like I can be more than I was. His seemingly unimportant problems – the insignificant problems of a young human man - help to ground me and make me realize that the world can be a strange and wonderful place. A strigiforma has some of the highest levels of magic of any creature on this planet and it can be easy to overlook how amazing the world can be in the eyes of a creature with lesser power. It's almost like knowing too much takes away the magic." Hedwig fluffed her feathers, perching on top of her cage.

"You're so powerful and yet a wizard like Rhombus has been able to seal you in this body?" Snape found it unfathomable.

Hedwig looked down at the floor.

"I don't even know how he was able to do it. Certainly he has somehow acquired some of the strigiforma power, but as for the rest I really cannot guess. Where could a human have gotten such unimaginable power?" She murmured to herself.

Snape was seized by a strange curiosity and found herself unable to shake it from her mind. Before she knew it, the words had tumbled out of her mouth.

"What does your human form look like?"

Hedwig's face snapped up to look at her severely.

"I mean…is it weird-looking? You _are_ an owl." Snape tried to cover her strange question, wondering what had possessed her to even ask it in the first place.

"I…do you really want to know?" Hedwig began hesitantly.

"Well…yes, but I don't really see how you can show me." Snape tried to shrug nonchalantly.

Instead of answering, Hedwig's eyes suddenly glowed with a soft yellow light. The light abruptly became an intense flash that forced Snape to cover her eyes. Once it had faded, Snape carefully pulled her hands from her face and then goggled at the scene before her.

The cozy interior of Dumbledore's office had gained an almost ethereal feel as soft orbs of yellow light floated about the room. Almost like fireflies, they cast a supernatural and beautiful light upon everything around them. Hedwig remained perched on her cage, but that wasn't what drew Snape's eyes.

Sitting in between Hedwig and Snape on the floor was a beautiful young woman covered only by her long, flowing blond hair. Beams of light coming from Hedwig's eyes seemed to be creating this brightly glowing projection of a girl. She looked up at Snape with bright green eyes and a melancholic expression on her face. With a bitter smile, she abruptly faded and the lights vanished from the room as Hedwig sagged and almost tumbled from her perch.

Snape stood transfixed for a moment, the memory of the girl so vivid in his mind. _That_ was Hedwig?

_Oh, Merlin_. She thought to herself as things suddenly snapped into place.

She had felt beginnings and inklings as she got to know Hedwig better, and as their long and witty conversation continued to wind through topics as diverse as troll music was from the finer points of raising shrubs. Now, seeing the human face and the emotions reflected in it combined with the personality of the owl, Snape realized that the unthinkable had happened.

_I'm…falling in love with Potter's bird?_

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Aside<strong>

**Tomato Face: Well, sorry for the delay! I wanted to set everything in motion to lead up to the ending.**

**Blonde One: Ummm...what the crap was that bit at the end about?**

**Tomato Face: My card! I was building a heinous love triangle! Of rivalry!**

**Blonde One: Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't a love triangle consist of three people? You already have Harry x Hedwig x Rhombus, why'd you get greedy and throw Snape in there?**

**Tomato Face: Correct _me_ if _I'm_ wrong, but I believe we kind of already established and implied that Rhombus had a thing for Hedwig's naked hot chick body.**

**Blonde One: Yes...that we did. Okay. So your triangle was Harry x Hedwig x Snape? Dude, that's a little messed up.**

**Tomato Face: Snape deserves to be happy!...by holding another flaming torch for a woman he can't have. Plus I have to have a little bit of disruptive fun now, don't I?  
><strong>

**Blonde One: Yes, I suppose. And...it is fun being mean to Snape, isn't it?**

**Tomato Face: Only because we love him!**

**Blonde One: Tee hee! I also can't help but notice the eyes thing. Did you _finally_ see the last Harry Potter movie?**

**Tomato Face: Yeah. :)**

**Blonde One: Anyways, it appears that we are both out of cards, meaning we can no longer introduce any random new plot points into the story.**

**Tomato Face: Yep.**

**Blonde One: So I guess all that's left for us to do now is try and tie all of these loose plot threads together into some kind of satisfying conclusion! Should be simple enough... **

**Tomato Face: ...**

**Blonde One: ...**

* * *

><p>With no cards left at her disposal will Blonde One be able to continue on with nothing but her own meager imagination to guide her? And what of our narrative? Now that Tomato Face can no longer interfere with the stories direction will the plot actually start to progress? Tune in next time as we head towards the possibly thrilling conclusion of Potter Ping Pong!<strong><em><br>_**


	14. Round 13: A Fly in a Web

**Round 13: A Fly in a Web**

"_Expelliarmus_!" Harry cried, hoping to strike first and catch Rhombus with his guard down.

"_Protego_" Rhombus smoothly cast a shield spell and nullified the burst of magic Harry had hurled at him with the ease of a man who had faced countless battles before. Harry felt himself start to sweat as his mind raced to try and think of a strategy. This was Dumbledore's brother, if he was even close to being as powerful as the Headmaster was than Harry knew he was in trouble.

"You'll never be able to defeat me with pathetic spells like that boy." Rhombus sneered.

"_Avada Kedavra_!" Harry yelled, deciding to go straight for the throat. To his horror Rhombus neatly sidestepped the deadly beam of green light and in the same motion raised his wand at Harry.

"_Confringo!_" Harry threw himself to the ground and rolled behind a row of desks as a stream of fire roared over his head and exploded against the far wall in a blast of almost unbearable heat.

Quickly pushing himself up into a crouch Harry surveyed the seen only to have his heart sink. The far wall and the door to the classroom were now consumed in flames, effectively blocking his means of escape.

* * *

><p>Hedwig paused in devouring the mouse that Professor Snape had procured for her dinner and turned her head around 180 degrees to stare behind her in the direction of the door.<p>

"Ugh, I wish you wouldn't do that. So unsettling." Snape griped from his seat at the Headmaster's desk.

"Something… something's not right!" Hedwig whispered. Snape frowned

"What do you mean?'

"It's.. it's Harry! Harry's in danger, I can feel it!" Hedwig's head whipped back around to face Snape, her eyes full of distress.

"Oh." Snape immediately lost interest. "Well that's nothing new."

"I have to help him!" Hedwig cried and in a frenzy of flapping wings she hurled herself from her perch and through the window of Dumbleodre's office into the afternoon air.

"Hey!" Snape sprang to his feet too late. "I'm supposed to be guarding you!" But Hedwig was already long gone.

"Damn it." Snape muttered. "Yet another unrequited love interest that has flown off into the arms of a damned Potter!"

* * *

><p>Ginny sat crouched in a leafy crop of bushes carefully surveying the large country mansion of the Dumbledore family estate. On the surface everything seemed quiet but as she watched and her eyes became adjusted to the gloomy night she detected several black cloaked figures stationed around the perimeter of the unassuming manor. She smiled to herself, only three. Clearly she had been correct when she had predicted that security would be lax on the side of the manor facing the cliff. Once she was certain she had the positions of all of the guards, Ginny slowly and carefully began to crawl though the bushes towards the back porch of the house. One of the guards was stationed there behind a short leafy tree that almost entirely obscured him from anyone approaching the house. Unfortunately for him, this hadn't been enough to fool Ginny's sharp eyes and the cover of the tree also effectively hid him from the line of sight of the other two guards.<p>

Creeping as silently as death itself Ginny managed to sneak through the undergrowth until she lay only a few feet from the unsuspecting Deatheater. From her position on the ground Ginny could make out bored expression on the lean face of the man beneath the hood. He was staring straight ahead, completely unaware of the danger lurking at his feat.

"_Petrificus Totalus_." Ginny whispered. The death eater barely had time to blink at the small burst of light before Ginny's spell left him completely immobilized. Ginny held her breath for a moment as she waited to see if either of the other guards had seen the light from her spell but everything remained still and quiet.

Slipping in to stand beside the paralyzed guard in the concealment of the tree Ginny glanced around again before crawling in between the slates in the porch railing and onto the wooden deck. Having gotten this close to the house she was certain that she would be able to avoid detection so long as she stayed quiet. Ginny crept across the forward till she was pressed up against the side of the house and listened cautiously for any sound of movement from within. There was nothing, all that was left was for her to get inside unseen.

The Dumbledore family home was an old house and had been built in the traditional manner of wizard houses with a separate entrance for the house elves that led into a small service hallway. The inclusion of these separate passageways and doors allowed the house elves to go about their work without the wards having to look at them. Ginny found just such an entrance leading into the house and tried the handle. The small door slid soundlessly open on perfectly greased hinges as no one wanted to hear the little gremlins at work either. The opening was small but Ginny managed to squeeze through and found herself in a long low corridor with an incredibly low ceiling. Ginny carefully shut the tinny door behind her and feeling a little like Alice in Wonderland she crawled down the hallway on her hands and knees until she reached a branching point. Glancing down both directions Ginny heard the faint sound of clattering pots coming from her right and guessed that that hallway led to the kitchen. From the sounds and smells of it there were House Elves hard at work in there, though she couldn't fathom what they would be cooking at this time of night. Choosing the opposite direction Ginny kept crawling until she reached a small door.

Ginny pressed her ear against the door and listened for any signs of movement on the other side. When she heard nothing she slowly opened the door just a crack and peered inside. The room on the other side of the door was dark and all that Ginny could see were a few chair legs. Deciding the coast was clear. Ginny opened the door the rest of the way and slid through in to the room.

The chamber Ginny found herself in appeared to be a dining room. There was a long oak table with a dozen finely upholstered chairs lined around it. A small chandelier hung from the ceiling and glittered faintly in the moonlight that drifted in through the window. No one was around. Ginny quietly let out a breath that she hadn't even realized she's been holding in. She had successfully infiltrated Voldemort's lair. Now the real challenge began.

Ginny tightly gripped her wand forced herself to take a deep breath in an effort to calm herself down. She felt nauseous at the thought of facing the Dark Lord but she forced down her mounting fear and steeled herself for what was to come. She knew that she had to do everything in her power to ensure that this world never ended up like her own! She also knew there was a good chance she wouldn't be making it back from this mission. With a final deep breath Ginny moved to the doorway and peered around the door frame into the hallway. There was still no sign of any of the house's inhabitants, Ginny hoped this meant that they had all retired to bed. Maybe she would get lucky and be able to catch Voldemort while he was sleeping.

Creeping down the hallway Ginny peeked into each room that she came across but they were all ordinary rooms empty of any human life. After twenty minutes of fruitless searching Ginny was beginning to wonder if this house was just a decoy with no one inside after all. Suddenly Ginny stopped in her tracks and cocked her head to the side as she listened. There were the sound of whispered voices and approaching voices ahead of her. At the end of the hallway the corridor branched to the left and Ginny could see a dim light shinning from around that corner that steadily grew brighter as the person holding the light drew closer and closer.

Knowing she had little time Ginny quickly opened the door nearest her. Seeing that everything was dark, Ginny slipped inside and quietly shut the door behind her. Realizing that she should probably hide herself, Ginny turned around and then suddenly froze. She had assumed that the room was empty but there, silhouetted against the ceiling high window stood a tall figure in a billowing dark robe. With smooth serpentine movements the man turned to stare at her with menacing red eyes.

"What have we here?" Lord Voldemort's softly ask question came out as a hiss. "An intruder!"

She was caught!

* * *

><p><strong>Tomato Face: Dang! You get her all caught and stuff.<strong>

**Blonde One: Yep!**

**Tomato Face: And you set up all of the climactic action!**

**Blonde One: Yep!**

**Tomato Face:...Gee. I guess that means the story will be over in a few chapters, then, huh.**

**Blonde One: Probably. Assuming you don't draw it out somehow.**

**Tomato Face: *shrugs* Nah, we've had a good run. I think it's time to end things gracefully...well, as gracefully as we're capable of.**

**Blonde One: I'm...cautiously optimistic?**

**Tomato Face: *straight face* Why would I lie to you? *grin***

**Blonde One: I'm...now uneasy.**

* * *

><p><strong><strong>Will Tomato Face keep her word? Will the story end soon? What is in store next for our random heroes? Stay tuned to find out!


	15. Round 14: Finale

The hungry flames engulfed the heavy, oaken door and began to lick up the walls. Sparks from abandoned potions ingredients began to shoot throughout the room, almost like fireworks. Harry struggled to dodge the streaks of magic as Rhombus in Dumbledore's form laughed and idly toyed with him. Rhombus, using the power he had somehow robbed from the Strigiforma, easily cast a shield to protect himself from both the fire and magic. As the flames swelled and grew, the room started to fill with a thick, black smoke, causing Harry's eyes to water and his lungs to burn. He had to end this soon – he didn't have much time.

Grasping desperately at the tabletop, Harry felt his fingers close around the glass neck of an Erlenmeyer flask. Grabbing that and a random potion in a nearby Florence flask, he hucked the former in Rhombus' general direction. It bounced off of Rhombus' magic shield, and shattered on the ground where it left a green puddle.

"Godammit." Harry muttered under his breath. "Must have been Neville's."

"Nice try, Potter!" Rhombus laughed. "But I'm afraid that, had it hit me, a hair removal potion would only have caused me to look more dignified – like a young Patrick Stewart."

"He's right." Harry gritted his teeth.

Suddenly, a rack of cauldrons on a counter behind Harry violently exploded as their contents became unstable from the heat. Harry lurched forward from the force and hugged the ground desperately as shrapnel flew in all directions. Luckily, he was largely unscathed, although he was starting to get light-headed from the fumes. If only they had bothered to teach him that anti-witch burning charm. Confound that lazy Professor Flitwick!

"Still alive back there, Potter?" Rhombus asked in a cold version of Dumbledore's voice. "Because you won't be for long."

"Suck on this, you dick!" Harry screeched, throwing the Florence flask with all his might.

Unfortunately, Harry did not have much upper body strength, and the flask crashed to the ground at Rhombus' feet. Before Rhombus had a chance to gloat at Harry's scrawny upbringing, there was an explosion as the purple contents of the Florence flask mixed with the hair-removal potion. The room was lit with a blinding flash of light, and the next thing Harry was aware of was a ringing in his ears as he struggled to get upright. After a few flailing attempts, he managed to claw himself into a sitting position. There was a gaping hole in the floor where the potions had exploded, and Rhombus had been thrown against the wall with such force that he was briefly stunned within his force field. Scrambling to his feet and running in a weaving pattern like a drunken donkey, Harry stumbled to the door, which was still on fire. He moved to lift his wand in order to dispel the blaze when he realized that he had dropped it where he had been hiding. Harry turned around and saw with wide eyes that Rhombus had regained himself, and that his time was up.

"Well, Potter, quite an interesting gambit. Had you been luckier, it most certainly would have paid off." He raised his wand and his shield flickered and died out. "Pity. _Winguardium Leviosa!_"

Harry felt himself being lifted from the ground and was suddenly thrown at the ceiling. He struck it, feeling intense pain and seeing spots, and then landed heavily on the floor, hearing a sharp snap.

"I'm going to relish this." Harry's vision was starting to fade as he heard the shattered pieces of cobblestones crunching under Rhombus' feet.

Barely conscious of his surroundings, Harry could faintly feel a gust of wind dance about him. The next thing he was aware of was a soft brush of feathers across his cheek, which roused him, and his eyes fluttered open. He saw his owl, Hedwig, sitting before him on the ground, her fierce eyes tinged with gentleness.

"Hoot hoo hoo hoo hoot hoo hoo!" Hedwig said insistently.

"What?" Harry squinted at her, and then realized that he was no longer in pain.

"She's saying that she tried to get here sooner, but the door was on fire." He heard Ginny-Snape growling from the doorway. "You're welcome for putting out the fire, by the way. You'd think you'd remember how to cast a spell to breathe in a smoky environment, Potter. It's so easy!"

Harry looked about and realized that the room was indeed no longer ablaze. Rhombus' shield was once more enveloping his body, but the headmaster's doppelganger brother was clutching the side of his bleeding head, looking quite pissed off. Clearly Hedwig and Snape had arrived to the rescue just in the nick of time.

"You must have healed me, Hedwig. Thank you!" Harry rested his hand gently on Hedwig's head, and she closed her eyes briefly before looking up at him again.

"Gross. Barf!" Snape commented.

"Don't think you've won, Potter! Despite your bird's _remarkable_ abilities, she's powerless to use them so long as I maintain my leverage!" Rhombus spat.

"Hoot hoot! SKREEEEE!" Hedwig shouted.

"Yeah, what are you talking about?" Snape looked wary and puzzled.

"How do you think I've been able to obtain the power of the Strigiforma? I have in my possession a rare magical artifact that my great grandfather discovered in a trip abroad. It takes the power from whatever is imprisoned inside and transfers it to the owner – ME!"

"You mean you're holding one of her people hostage?" Harry asked in outrage.

"No. I'm holding all of them hostage! The cage gets bigger and smaller according to my need. Also, I put Albus in it! HAHAHAHAHAAAAA! You have no hope of defeating me!" He roared with laughter.

Snape squinted at him. "How did you capture all of them?"

"It took years of diligence and got easier the more I captured." Rhombus smiled unnervingly. "Their added powers helped me to locate the rest."

Hedwig hooted indignantly.

"No, I don't think I shall." Rhombus responded.

However, he suddenly lurched and grabbed at his chest.

"What?" He asked, as though he'd been struck, and then lurched again. "What's happening?" He seemed to be reeling.

"Is this some kind of trick?" Snape held her wand up.

"Hoot hoot screee hoo!" Hedwig tilted her head to the side.

"What do you mean he's losing his powers? Is it me?" Snape was at a loss. "Am I somehow winning?"

Hedwig shook her head.

"I've got to get back to my lair!" Rhombus shoved past Snape and barreled out the door.

"After him!" Harry shouted, and in a manner befitting of Benny Hill, they chased after Rhombus through twisting corridors and secret passageways until they arrived at Rhombus' guest room. It was very anti-climactic.

Bursting into his room, they found that there was a large cage full of owls and Dumbledore taking up most of the space. It was a complete mystery how he managed to get it into the room without anyone noticing. But security had always been lax at Hogwarts.

"Ah, I see you've found me." Said a very naked Dumbledore, Rhombus having stolen his clothes in order to complete his disguise.

It was a well-established fact that wizards did not wear undergarments. It added some extra fun to Quidditch matches.

Hedwig started screeching, and Snape and Harry suddenly realized that at least a dozen of the imprisoned owls were lying dead on the ground.

"Sir, what happened to the owls?" Harry shouted in horror.

"He's killing them!" Rhombus shouted in anger.

"That can't be true! Dumbledore would never kill an innocent creature!" Harry insisted. "It's probably your cage sucking their life force dry."

"Nope. It was me." Dumbledore said, and killed another owl.

Hedwig screamed and flapped at the cage, trying unsuccessfully to maul Dumbledore.

"They were looking at me with these eyes like, 'Please kill me. It's the only way to stop Rhombus.' I know I seem a little doddering at times, but I'm almost completely certain that this is the only way." And he killed another owl.

Hedwig was screaming and trying to tear through the bars with every ounce of her being as the other owls looked up at her with frightened and imploring eyes.

"I never thought you capable of such cruelty, Albus. To think you'd take the lives of such magnificent creatures."

"There's still a fair number of them left." He snapped another one's neck. "Well, one less."

Hedwig collapsed to the ground, panting heavily, but still struggling to bite the bars open.

"Sir, you need to stop! This isn't the way!" Harry cried in horror, tears streaming down his face.

Snape bit his tongue, folding his arms and remaining silent.

"Do you see how these ordinary humans are? They think nothing of non-human sentient beings. But I'm different. Sure, I imprisoned and magically enslaved many of your brethren, but it was all for you! I want to cleanse the world of these horrid creatures, paving the way for your people to rule over us with your wise and just leadership. Please, Hedwig, my love!" Rhombus begged. "Let me help you. Add your power to mine, and help make this rotten world a better place. I swear that I will save your people."

Hedwig, panting and looking slightly manic, stared up at him.

"Hedwig, no! He's trying to trick you." Harry insisted.

Hedwig looked at him for a moment with her bright, intense eyes, but then closed them and turned back to Rhombus.

"Hoot hoot." It was quiet, but firm.

"She said, no, right?" Harry felt his insides go numb.

Snape shook his head.

"My love!" Rhombus smiled.

They heard the sound of another neck snapping and turned to stare in anger at the naked Dumbledore.

"I guess I just have to kill them faster." He shrugged his shoulders and picked up another one.

Hedwig screamed in rage, and it came out in a disturbing half-owl, half-human screech as her body seemed to grow in size. In a somewhat repugnant transformation, suddenly a beautiful nude blonde woman with long hair covering her indecency stood where the owl had been. Her skin glowed as though the pale moon were shining on it.

"Wow." Harry was almost certain he would have been overcome by her beauty were it not for the immense terror he was also feeling.

"I suppose he's killed enough owls to weaken the power of the curse I placed on you." Rhombus mused, not letting his guard down.

"Albus Dumbledore," Hedwig hissed in a full human voice, "I will kill you for your crimes against my people."

"Not if I can help it!" Snape lunged at her.

She easily sidestepped his clumsy attack, and touched a single slender finger to his forehead. There was a flash of light similar to what Harry remembered from the body switching fiasco, and suddenly Snape slumped to the ground.

"Great Scott! Who have you switched him with now?" Harry shouted in confoundedness.

"No one." She said coldly. "I have separated his soul from this body."

"What- but-but Hedwig! You're good!"

"This is why I love you." Rhombus whispered lustily.

She turned to face him, smiling.

"You are drunk on my power." She put an arm gently around Rhombus' shoulder. "And your adulation does not go unnoticed." She brushed her fingertips along his ears.

"Awesome!" He shuddered with delight. "I knew eventually you'd understand that my disgust is well-placed."

"Yes. You've been right about everything. I was too blind to see your love and devotion. Or to understand how vile humans can truly be. The only just path is to rule them." She whispered into his ear.

Her face turned and he slowly bent down to kiss her.

"Nooooooooooo!" Harry shouted in slow motion, shaking his head from side to side.

"This is what I've always wanted." Rhombus whispered.

"I know." She closed her eyes, and then her hand darted forward with inhuman speed and she touched his forehead.

There was a flash of light and he slumped to the ground as his soul was exiled from his body. Hedwig turned from his body and exhaled slowly.

"Okay. There's a lot of work to do, now." She said.

"He-Hedwig! You did it!" Harry stared up at her in admiration.

"I'm sorry I had to trick you, Harry. You were the only one who didn't pick up on the subtle body language exchange happening here." Hedwig sighed.

"What do you mean?" Harry asked.

"Let me explain." Dumbledore stood up, his nethers covered by his long beard. The living owls around him looked very relieved. "You see, Rhombus, in his vanity, explained to me in great detail how he was able to seal Hedwig's powers. By trapping more of her people inside this cage, he was able to gain enough magic to overpower her. He put me in here to keep me out of trouble, forgetting that even without my wand I am an efficient killing machine. By killing the owls, I not only weakened Rhombus, but I allowed Hedwig to regain her power. Also, Hedwig was able to act grief-stricken in order to fool my deluded brother into thinking she had changed sides." Dumbledore explained. "Killing Severus just made it more believable."

"Still…" Harry looked uncomfortable. "That's a lot of sentient beings that you just murdered…"

"Yes, indeed." Dumbledore sighed heavily. "Hedwig?"

"It's still fresh enough that I can bring them back. Remember, I have a completely unbelievable power over souls." Hedwig reminded them.

She waved her arms as though they were wings, and Harry stared at the still owls expectantly.

"When will they revive?" He asked.

"Oh, that was just to heal their shattered necks. Now I'll revive them."

Spreading her arms wide, the room darkened and a breeze of energy flowed through them, whipping up like a torrent. They could feel it, but it didn't stir a single hair on their heads. Shining spheres of light started to float down through the ceiling and settled into the bodies littering the floor. The owls opened their eyes and stood up, blinking in surprise. Hedwig opened the cage and everyone emerged. Snape sat up from the floor, and looked around in confusion.

"What- what happened? What's going on?" Snape sounded groggy.

Suddenly, Rhombus sat bolt upright, looked around, and then started screaming uncontrollably. Everyone stared at him in horror.

"Why did you bring Rhombus back?" Harry asked in utter bewilderment.

"I didn't." Hedwig smiled. "That's Severus. I thought he'd enjoy that body more. It's much more attractive than his first one." She giggled.

"Then who-"

"Harry! It's me, Ginny! I'm so confused!" She put a hand to her head. "But I guess I'm alive again?"

"That's wonderful! What a perfect and convenient turn of events." Harry smiled warmly.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Snape continued to scream.

"What's wrong with him?" Ginny asked.

"That poor man." Dumbledore shook his head, assuming it was from the shock of being in yet another new body.

"I'm not really sure." Hedwig pursed her lips.

"WHY DID YOU BRING ME BACK?" Snape shouted.

"But…I thought-" Hedwig stammered.

"YOU OWL SKANK! YOU RUIN EVERYTHING. I WAS IN HEAVEN ABOUT TO HAVE A THREESOME WITH LILY FUCKING POTTER! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU'VE DONE?"

"Gross." Harry wanted to burn his eyes out.

"Um. Sorry? I guess?" She looked uncomfortable.

"Wait. If you were going to have a threesome, who was the other participant?" Dumbledore inclined his head in bemusement.

"SHUT UP!" Snape suddenly clammed up.

"Was it a certain-"

"SHUT UP!"

"Mr. James Potter?"

"I SAID SHUT UP!" Snape's face was purple.

"Oh, God, why." Said Harry.

* * *

><p>After the climactic battle to save Harry Potter's love life, Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Hedwig sat at the Gryffindor table eating breakfast.<p>

"Can't she borrow someone's clothes?" Ron asked, staring pointedly at his oatmeal across from the naked goddess.

"I can lend you some, Hedwig." Hemione smiled kindly.

"The Strigiforma have no need of clothes." Hedwig smiled.

"Yes. No need." Harry said quickly.

"I…okay." Hermione opened her copy of the Daily Prophet. "Holy Hannah!"

"What is it?" Asked Ron and Ginny, who was seated next to him.

"It's other Ginny!" Hermione was feverishly scanning the lines of text.

"Oh crap! I forgot about her!" Ron smacked his forehead.

"What do you mean, 'other Ginny?'" Ginny looked at him in distress.

"It's a long story." Ron gave a weak smile.

"Look at this!" Hermione held up the front-page photo.

It was photograph of a badass-looking Ginny Weasley holding the severed head of Lord Voldemort before a crowd of cheering wizards.

"It says that she single-handedly dueled and defeated He-Who-Should-Not-Be-Named, and hunted down and captured the Death Eaters." Hermione stared at the words as if they were turning into chocolate frogs.

"Oh. Wow." Harry was speechless.

"That's wonderful, Harry! Now you won't have to worry about Voldemort anymore!" Hedwig cheered.

"I…I suppose." He raised his eyebrows.

"Now we can focus on us!"

Harry blushed.

* * *

><p>"Well, Severus, I notice that you have quickly regained your sallow and greasy appearance. It would seem that only when you are female do you bother with hygiene."<p>

Snape looked despondently at his empty plate, clinking his silverware against the bare porcelain.

"I want to die." He moaned.

"Come on, man!" Dumbledore clapped him on the back. "Everyone will die eventually."

"Well…yeah. I guess you're right!" Snape seemed to perk up.

"Although, now that you're a Dumbledore, it might take a little longer than most. We're notoriously long-lived."

"Not if I can help it!" Snape screamed, and downed an entire boat of gravy.

* * *

><p>Epilogue<p>

Now that Voldemort was defeated, Alternate Universe Ginny was elected as the next Minister of Magic. She led Britain into an era of unparalleled global domination and imperialism. Harry and Hedwig did indeed get married and have freakish-looking owl-human hybrid babies that no one really wanted to look at. Even Ron didn't remember their birthdays. Snape did, quite by accident, eventually accept his new body. He started working out and before you knew it, he was getting dozens of hits on plenty of fish. Ginny, restored to life, resumed business as usual. She quickly got over Harry and married someone much better. Finally, Dumbledore found that he enjoyed nudity so much that he was declared and honorary Strigiforma so that he never had to wear pants again.

The end.

* * *

><p>Author's Aside<p>

**Tomato Face: All's well that ends well.**

**Blonde One: What took you so long?**

**Tomato Face: You can't rush art.**

**Blonde One: Even if it took like a year to finish the final installment? And it took both of us, you glory hog.**

**Tomato Face: That's right! This final installment is brought to you by both of us. Because that way, it would actually happen.**

**Blonde One: You're the worst sometimes, you know that?**

**Tomato Face: I do!**

**Blonde One: Thanks to all of our readers who stuck with us through the long wait! We hope that you enjoyed the final installment.**

**Tomato Face: Merry Chistmas!**


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